Any married ladies give their babies their own last name?

posted 7 months ago in Babies
Post # 61
6099 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

megm1099 :  There are children starving in America and what on Earth does that have to do with the OP wanting her children to have her name?

Post # 63
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

kgr9 :  Thanks for the clarification. I admit your original post absolutely rubbed me wrong. I do understand the struggle. I’ve talked about my story before. I just didn’t share it because I didn’t think it was going to be helpful because it involved you being the one to bend and it doesn’t seem like you are willing to.

My husband and I had this same issue. I was so angry over him just absolutely refusing to give I wouldn’t even speak to him for 24 hours. We almost didn’t even get together because it was such a dealbreaker for us both. But we agreed to table it and come back to it. Eventually we did come back to it and agreed that if I gave up hyphenating then I get the choice of first and middle names for every single child we have. No input for him. He got what was so important to him so these are MY names. I chose and will always pick my own family names so that at least that history can continue.

To be slightly fair his last name is historic so I understand why he wants it for our kids so badly. But it took awhile for us to come to this decision. This choice is not for everybody though. I hope you two can find a solution that either makes you both satisfied.

Post # 64
7849 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your first post rubbed me the wrong way as well, but with your update I understand where you’re coming from better. That is really too bad that your names combined would sound like a joke! 

Honestly maybe it’s the feminist in me but I feel like you should prevail here. I was rolling my eyes at your first post about how the fact that you’re the one who carried them in your body gives you the upper hand here, but the more I think about it, why shouldn’t it? What’s his argument after all – that traditionally kids take their father’s name? That’s no more valid than your argument – in fact I think it’s less compelling.

What about like a pp suggested, they get your last name but your husband gets total authority over choosing their first and middle names? Is there a family name on his side that could work for a first or middle name?

Post # 65
9391 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

kgr9 :  Sorry but I don’t agree that carrying the babies just gives you more rights to naming them. There needs to be a compromise that both parties agree on, IMO.

And the argument about matching your mother is just…fucking weird IMO. I would be so insulted and hurt if I was your husband. Like my children would be better off matching their grandma than myself? No. 

Post # 66
788 posts
Busy bee

I also find the part about having the same name your mother very weird. I would be extremely insulted if I was your husband and you thought it more important the children share your mother’s last name rather the FATHER. That’s absurd. I’m not sure what your compromise is here because I personally wouldn’t choose for my children, especially twins, to have different last names that’s just me. He doesn’t necessarily have more right to their last name than you do, but leave your mother out of it.

Post # 67
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

kgr9 :  I think some of the posters are being a bit harsh here. Yes, you don’t have more rights over him, but he also doesn’t have more rights over you and it shouldn’t just default to them getting his last name.

In addition, you have made it clear that both of you are uncomfortable creating a hyphenated name, but he ALSO is unwilling to create a new last name – something that you are willing to do so it would be fair to everyone. He actually sounds less compromising than you.

Post # 68
128 posts
Blushing bee

Thanks for the update. I think the fact that he’s unwilling to compromise would be the biggest issue for me. If he’s not willing to look at other options like creating a new last name, I don’t think I would bend on this one. It sounds to me like he’s the one with the problem compromising, not you (as some PPs have suggested). One other option you could suggest is using a different family name, like a grandmother’s maiden name for example. We were planning on going this route before we decided to hyphenate. But him just refusing all other options and insisting on his name would be a nonstarter for me, and there’s no way I would give in at that point.

I’m not sure what the root of the issue is for you, but it might be worth examining that. For me, it was that I refused to participate in this sexist naming tradition I didn’t agree with, but I was totally happy with all kinds of other options. But maybe it’s something different for you. I would suggest backing off of your reasons like the benefits of your kids sharing a name with your mother. I just don’t think that’s a compelling reason, and it almost weakens your argument, in my opinion. Figure out exactly what it is about defaulting to tradition that bothers you, and then explain it to your husband. 

Post # 69
3608 posts
Sugar bee

The arguments for why you should win this debate aren’t valid. It doesn’t matter that your mom is watching them and it doesn’t matter that they’re in your uterus. Did your husband choose for them to be there? No. The reason your posts rub people the wrong way is because there is a tone of entitlement that you seem to be holding over this process, and that’s not okay. Honestly at this point I’d flip a damn coin, because neither of you are more entitled than the other and every other compromise was turned down. It’s a sucky situation, but compromise or coming up with a solution together is the only way through it…not trying to “win” and declare yourself the one with the higher position here.

Post # 70
1762 posts
Buzzing bee

So are you going to use the whole “they grew in my belly” to win your way in all decisions regarding the twins until they’re 18? I feel sorry for your husband. 

Post # 71
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

kgr9 :  You’re having twins. Two babies, right? Why is this even an argument? Why doesn’t one get your name and the other his? Seems like the only solution since neither of you are going to budge.

Choosing an entirely new name is no different (to you) than using your husbsnd’s name, so if you’re ok with a totally random name why aren’t you ok with his? It wouldn’t be a compromise for him to agree to a new name.

Agree with other posters that your “tie-breaker” point is ridiculous, and disgusting. I can kind of understand why you’d think that, but to actually argue the point? And I won’t even touch the thing about your mother, jesus. Your poor husband. 

Post # 72
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

kgr9 :   I kept my name and our kids are hyphenated, that being said, why on Earth would you factor in your mom’s last name? Your kids will have no idea what her last name is anyway, by that time they will be in school anyway.

Post # 73
1038 posts
Bumble bee

kgr9 :  Thank you for the update. I can see, now, that you love your partner and that bit of information seemed a bit removed from your initial post. That said, the updated reasons seem to be “reaching” as well. Grandma doesn’t need to share the last name with her grandchildren in order to take them to medical appointments or pick them up from a daycare, because you will be required to fill out paperwork for her as an authorized caregiver for her (and medical release forms) no matter what her name is. I think you need to stop framing it with pre-prepared excuses for why this would “make sense” or why you should get “first rights” and simply say that it is something you desire in your heart. Because people are misunderstanding and arguements for why you are using those excuses can be pretty easily broken down and questioned.

I DO understand, on a very personal level, how much your name can be a part of you. My family name is part of my identity, a link to my past and to people I adore. My best memories are sometimes of people referring to me by my surname/last name during sports practice. As an adult, I would rather surrender my own first name than my family name. Truly. 

You mentioned that your husband has a “brand,” so he probably feels the same identity attachment to his name that I do to mine. I cannnot tell from your explanation if you feel this same strong self-identity as you describe that he does and that I do as a person, or if you decided to keep your last name and now are in a position that you want to have the same name as your child. You say that you would not be opposed to creating a new name all together, while he is. This makes it seem, to me, like you aren’t attached to your last name as much as you are to the idea of sharing a name with your children that is yours. Why did you not take your husband’s name, if you do not mind creating a new last name entirely? Is that a possibility?

This must be really hard for you because typically one partner or the other will have a stronger attachment to their name, and it seems both of you firmly believe the children should have your name. I don’t think hyphenation works in all cases. I know a married couple named White and Rice who could not hyphenate. And, another couple who dated but did not marry named “Swallow” and “Pickle.” 

Does your husband have an abrivated or slightly altered version of his last name that people use, in sports, a nickname? Jones = Jonesy or something? Perhaps a modification of his last name could be used as your son’s first name? Or, as PP said, a child named for you and a child named for him?

I can say that it has taken 4 years of constant discussions while we planned for our future for my Darling Husband and I to reach an agreement that our children would have my name. My DH’s name will die with him. I will be killing it by my actions. But the idea of giving up my family name or not identifying them as my family caused me deep pain and anxiety. It has been a long road for us to see eye to eye on this, and I know that it will still be hard for my husband when we are blessed with a child. It must be even harder to want this so badly yourself, while your husband feels the same, with such a short timeframe to figure it out.

You have come up with many reasons why it “should be” your name. Have you given any thought to what other options beyond a hypenation could be a possibility for your family? It doesn’t sound like you are bent on keeping your last name, if you are willing to invent a new one. To me that seems to indicate that this is not about protecting your surname or your legacy, and is something else entirely.

Post # 75
768 posts
Busy bee

I don’t see why OP feeling strongly about carrying her children being an argument for them having her name is any different from her husband feeling the same way because…tradition..?

Granted, I didn’t didn’t appreciate OP’s oringinal “Mother Earth” post much either (and I’m glad you toned that down OP) but poor husband nothing – men are simply accustomed now to it being the obvious assumption that their nme will be taken as the family name. I really applaud men who are able to think outside the box on this. 

20 years ago it’s likely OP wouldn’t even be considering this unless the children were illegitimate. It’s a sign of the times that Children’s names are now the next thing “up for grabs” since more women are now deciding their own names after marriage.. 

It shouldn’t always have to be the foregone conclusion that children take the fathers name, and it really irks me that my children most likely will because my fiancé probably won’t entertain the alternative..

Im glad youse were able to come to an agreement OP. 

F&@k the patriarchy – I’m away to burn my bras here..

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