Post # 31
Feeding a baby to sleep is not a no-no, and you did not create a monster by picking up your baby. No one, ever, in the history of mankind has ever raised kids and then looked back on their time as a baby and thought, ‘gee, I wish I had held my baby less.’ Your baby is the biological norm and one day this will be but a distant memory.
Anyway, back to the topic, if he goes back to sleep after you pick him up, would you consider co-sleeping for the latter part of the night? The best thing we did when my son was a baby was put a queen bed in his room. That way when he awoke in his crib, one of us could pick him up and snuggle back to sleep in his room in the big bed. And wouldn’t ya know, he’s now a well adjusted six year old who sleeps through the night!
Post # 32
occa95 : I would love to see the studies that claim that. Based on all of the research I have done, that belief is not based in facts or research and I am shocked that they are teaching you that at University. Professional sleep consultants are trained in many methods of sleep coaching, but all of them include some crying. She’s not talking about a newborn – her baby is 10 months old and well beyond the age of being able to self soothe if allowed to learn. Part of that learning process is with protesting/crying.
I feel for you, OP! We are on the struggle bus right now with sleep, too. It is ROUGH. We did Ferber for night sleep to get him to sleep, and now he’s only waking up 2 times at night. He is not quite 5 months old, so the wake-ups are for hunger/feeding. However, lately he’s been wanting more and more food at night, so we are trying to curb that and get him more food during the day. Ugh!
Our pediatrician STRONGLY encouraged us to CIO because he was getting so little sleep at night. That has helped immensely. Now we just have to figure out naps, which we started this week, and are handled differently than bedtime. He spent an hour crying this morning until it was declared a failed nap and my husband went in to get him. 🙁 It is SO hard, but if your husband can be your rock while you go through it, that will help. Just know that you’re not alone – SO many of us struggle with sleep with our babies.
Post # 33
Prettysmile40 : Your husband is being a jerk!
It’s normal for babies to suddenly stop doing something they’ve been doing for a while such as sleeping through the night.
I never could let my babies CIO and you know what? They slept great as toddlers and have grown into happy, successful teens who still sleep just fine. Your hubs needs to take every other night until you get this worked out.
Post # 34
I don’t want to turn this into a debate on CIO because I truly think every parent needs to decide for their own family what’s right. My best friends did CIO with their babies and while I disagree with it I think they are both wonderful mothers. One of them is even our first choice to raise our kids if we die because I think she’s that amazing as a mother! We just disagree on this one thing and that’s totally fine. That said, here is a useful article on the problems with the methodology for CIO studies:
Babies cry to communicate and wanting to be held and comforted by a parent is just as valid a reason to cry as being hungry or having a dirty diaper. Imagine a woman came to the Bee to say her husband didn’t comfort her when she was upset and said “you’re fine – I fed you and wiped your ass what more do you want from me?” would we think that was ok? Probably not.
I get it – babies are exhausting. We all have lives on top of being mothers that make sleep a necessity. We need to put on our own oxygen masks first. But we also have to be a little more understanding about what babies are feeling.
Post # 35
So, for us? No. CIO was eventually what worked. That said, we didn’t pull the trigger on that for either of our kids until around 1 year. I’m pregnant with our third and I’ve been “pep-talking” to myself that I’m going to try to CIO earlier than 1 year with baby 3 but we’ll see.
We didn’t go totally cold turkey on getting up. We went in if he/she was crying before midnight, but after that ignored until 6 am (or a reasonable time). It. Was. Hard. But honestly, didn’t last for more than a couple of days and now we have two outstanding sleepers (12 hours/night).
We did introduce blanket (muslin squares) and a small non-suffocating stuffed animal around 10/11 mos (so long as they could sit up and easily function in their cribs) as well as breathable bumpers- this helped markedly. (My husband is a pediatrician so he’s a super sleep safe maniac). Good luck!
Post # 36
Prettysmile40 : Honestly, what worked for me with both my kids was ”screw this, I’m just going to co-sleep.” My husband moved into the spare room and I had the baby in with me. Best decision ever – baby was happy because he got to sleep next to Mom, I was happy because I was asleep. Once my older one hit 2, he was more than happy to be in his own bedroom. He’s now 3,5 and won’t even come into my bed when he’s sick – he wants his own space. My younger one (18months) is still in my room and I’m not bothered at all.. I’m not breastfeeding anymore but will just wait until he’s a little older (around 2) so that I can reason with him, and then put him in with his brother. In all honestly I think CIO methods are rubbish and unkind to the baby. Baby is crying because it’s dark and they want Mom and/or Dad. They dont’ want a swaddle, white-noise machine or anything else.. they just want to be close to their parents. In your position I would bring your baby in with you and then you all get to sleep.. win-win. Trust me, they really don’t want to sleep with parents anymore when they’re older.
Post # 37
Prettysmile40 : When I was a child, my Dad was all for ”letting us cry” whenever there was anything wrong. Right from infancy up until we were more than old enough to remember it. My Mom was the one who picked us up, cuddled us and made us feel safe when we were upset. Guess who I have a better relationship with as an adult. Trust your gut.. hold your baby if it wants to be held.
Post # 38
occa95 : wow I would be really upset to paying tuition to learn things that are not evidenced based or true. Science shows that what you are saying is false, sleep training is not harmful when all other needs are met.
Post # 39
emeraldbee : You let your baby cry for an HOUR?! Sorry but I find that utterly insane and unkind to the baby. Why not just rock your baby to sleep // feed it to sleep // cuddle it // take it on a walk in the stroller? The baby-phase is so short and before you know it they’re independent little people who run off to daycare happy to see their friends and all they need at bedtime is a goodnight kiss.. no crying needed. Why try to force that before your baby is ready?
EDIT to add – Parenting is hard, and I’m sure you’re wonderful people who love their baby very much. I don’t mean my post as a criticizm of you personally, what I’m criticizing is the CIO method, because I strongly disagree with it. I guess I shouldn’t have posted anything at all because it’s a free discussion and we’re all free to write our opinions, but now that I have I feel I should offer a follow-up edit.
Post # 40
amanda3334455 : this. I keenly remember my parents letting me cry and be upset at bedtime and it’s an awful feeling. I just wanted to cuddle! Especially since they both worked full time I didn’t feel like I got enough time with them. I have good relationships with my parents as an adult but I still remember that feeling and I don’t want my own child to feel that if I can help it. My daughter is 22 months now and at the point that we can talk about her feelings and I’ll ask her “are you frustrated? are you sad? do you just need a hug?” and she will tell me yes/no depending on her feelings that day. Don’t underestimate kids – there is more going on in those little brains than we think.
Post # 41
amanda3334455 : Ehhh…I have to take issue with the part of your post where you say CIO is rubbish and unkind and imply that anyone who doesn’t do things the way you did is in the wrong. I know plenty of people that have co-slept with their babies and it worked great for them. That’s great – but it doesn’t mean it’s the One Solution for all families and all babies. There are safety risks to co-sleeping that need to be weighed against the benefits of it, just like the pros and cons of CIO and other sleep solutions need to be weighed. Plus, some marriages will experience a strain if the partners are sleeping in separate beds for literal years to accommodate the baby/toddler. That just isn’t going to work for everyone.
FWIW: my attitude is do what works for your family. If that’s co-sleeping then super! If that’s CIO and after a couple rough nights everyone in the house is sleeping soundly (which has been the case for sooo many families I know), then good for them too.
Post # 42
daisy123 : That’s pretty much what we are doing now but in our bed and we don’t really want to be as we don’t get quality sleep. we don’t have room in his room to put a bed so the goal is to keep him in his crib all night. Not sure how to make that happen though.
Post # 43
amanda3334455 : that’s awesome that that worked for you, but I have a friend who can’t get her 5 year old son to sleep in his own room because she co slept with him
Post # 44
Bullshit – sorry but hands up who remembers what their parents did when they were 10 months old.
OP. My son was always fed to sleep then one night when he was 9 months old that stopped working. I had a horrible night with him and I started reading up about CIO. We went for it. It took 3 nights and he never went beyond the 2nd step before he was fast asleep. No regrets at all about doing it. My son sleeps well now and trusts us and loves us very much.
OP – if you really can’t handle it, get hubby to do it and go stay at a friends house for a few nights while he does. occa95 :
Post # 45
tiffanybruiser : Oh I do agree with you too there. Some of my friends’ babies slept in their cribs and didn’t really cry, or if they did it was more of a whimper. They all slept better if baby was in the crib. Also a couple of my friends were very worried about the safety risks of co-sleeping with tiny babies, so they couldn’t bring themselves to. That’s fair enough and I do realize that all babies (and parents) are different. My advice was directed to OP who seems to feel the same way I do but is trying to please her husband, or at least that’s the impression I get, so I guess I was trying to reassure her that it’s ok to want to do things the way that she wants to. You hear a lot of ”you must train your baby to xyz” these days, and personally I think a lot of things fall into place as babies get older. It’s like potty training.. if you try and do it before your baby is ready, it’s unpleasant for everybody and not terribly effective. But I know what it’s like to be criticized too.. I stopped breastfeeding my kids before 18months and got a lot of flack from other Moms telling me I was damaging them by not feeding at least until age 2..