(Closed) Any older brides bummed about friends involvement?

posted 9 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 17
Member
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am 32 and I hear you…… 🙁

Post # 18
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I agree with libbtek.  Focus on the people who will be there; if you focus on those who won’t or can’t, it will take away from your joy.  By the time I will walk down the aisle, I will be 36, and almost all of my friends have children.  I tried to set the timeline far enough in advance so they will have time to save up for airfare, hotel, arrangements with the kids, etc.  

How did everything go with the wedding?

Post # 19
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yep, I hear you. Quite a few of the people invited to my hen do can’t make it because they have small children and either don’t want to leave them or can’t afford to go away for the weekend (they’re all kind of scatttered geography-wise so the party can’t just come to all of them). I totally understand, but I went to all of theirs and assumed they’d come to mine too. It’s just gutting that I met my Fiance after they had all settled down, nothing I can do about it but I am disappointed.

Post # 20
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m 30, and most of my friends either can’t make it due to work commitments (military) or distance and children.  I’m talking about the wedding, much less any parties.  However, instead of a bachlorette party, I’m going to have a nice shower, then treat myself to a spa day, because frankly, I can afford it.

Post # 21
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Yes!  I have been very bummed about this.  I am 33 and a good number of my oldest friends from HS and college are not coming and all but one lives locally.  At the time they all got married I had moved out of state and spent a small fortune flying back to CA for all of thier weddings.  One friend of 23 years is not coming because she refuses to get a babysitter for her kids that are 9 and 4 for a few hours during the wedding.  I am very disappointed and hurt, our wedding is smallish and I only invited those who had kept in touch and still have an impact in my life.  Bummed but I will try my best to celebrate with my ‘new’ friends that are coming, excited, and want to celebrate with us!  It has been eye opening to see who truly is a good friend,.  I am using it as a way to clear out people that I now know not to devote as much time to, and focus on concentrating on those friends that have been amazing!  

Post # 22
Member
2692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I am not experiencing this because all the ladies in my bridal party are at the same stage in their life, but I am the only one not married (2 got married at 20).  Actually 2 are going through a divorce but we all have kids (except for one bm).  I hope you get the support you need for your big day… I know for me I don’t have a lot of people to rely on since everyone has their own life but it is what it is.

Post # 23
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@lmoss78:  I don’t think it is the age, I think it is the fact that they have young children. My friends are very involved in my wedding (are in their 40s) but they either don’t have children or have grown children.

Post # 24
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry you are going through this. But from someone on the relatively early end of my friend set to get married, I’m filing this away and making sure that I treat my friends who get married a little later as well as they are treating me now. 

Thanks for posting. 

Post # 25
Member
6354 posts
Bee Keeper

My friends and I have become more distant over the past few years… and since I am anticipating the Question any day now… I will be pleasantly surprised if any of them show any real interest in the wedding.

I wish I had a close group of friends (not just for the wedding) but I’m not TOO sad about it since a wedding isn’t really about friends, it’s about the groom (and for him it’s about the bride), and it’s obvious to me he’s 100% into it, and that’s what really matters 🙂

Post # 26
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I find that people have been making a big effort to making it feel special but it seems like it’s because we are literally the last people on both sides of our respective families to get married, so the wedding is being treated by the families as some sort of quasi family reunion for the “last time” and everyone is showing up. Our friends are showing up to either the US engagement or the wedding in India, including the pre-wedding vacation. 

We’re not doing things like bachelorettes/bachelor, showers etc. because our friends are so scattered and also because they’re not part of the Indian wedding. But in terms of the two main events, engagement and wedding, people have made a huge effort, which really touched me. 

Post # 27
Member
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I turn 39 this week. Most of my friends got married back before I was 30, and we even had one divorce. I am in a sorority, but not active because it’s too expensive. They started having children, and meanwhile, I was in this long relationships that just weren’t going anywhere. I was in 2 four year relationships, and the when I got a couple years into the 3rd, I kind of made a real split from my friends.

I’d already been drifting because they were married, had kids, or were in relationships that were actually working (at the time) and didn’t have time to spend with someone single. Once it became apparent that my BF at the time wasn’t going to propose any time soon, I just really distanced myself from my friends because I was tired of telling them the same stuff, not moving forward with my job, in my relationship, and I just was tired of standing still or even moving backward while their lives “seemed” to be going forward. And for some of them, I just didn’t like their spouses or their spouses wanted to be the best friend instead of me.

Now, here we are 9 years later for me and the BF, and we’re engaged. But I haven’t spoken to some of these friends since 2006 at the latest. I don’t really mourn for the relationships except one, but I just feel bad that I was there for all the bridal showers, all the weddings, and baby showers, but now that it’s my turn, I pretty much am alone in it as far as friends are concerned. I want people to be there and involved, but at the same time, I’ve become this hermit who really doesn’t want to deal with people. My Fiance is pretty much the same way. BUT I want a wedding, not an elopement. 

So now my wedding’s gonna be a traditional type wedding on a very small scale.  I’d thought I’d have my sorors around me, and I technically could if I activated in my sorority, but I don’t know that it will be the same, because they won’t be my line sisters. Anyways, my family will be around me, and it’s a celebration of the joining of families, so hopefully that will be what’s most important in the end. 

 

Post # 28
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hi there-

I totally get where you are coming from. I got married the first time in my mid-20’s & we had a big wedding, almost every weekend, there was some type of party, shower or wedding. All of my friends were doing it, none of us had kids, parents were paying for alot, etc.

I got married for the second time on October 17, 2009 as a 39 year old bride & it was just different. I have great friends & very supportive family, as does my husband, but with friends who have kids who are involved in activities & we all have mortgages now, car payments, kids bills, etc. there is not as much $ to spend on “extras”.

Not only that, but my twins were 6 when we got married, so we had quite a few bills of our own, in addition to the fact that we were paying for the wedding ourselves.

We handled this by changing our expectations-not lowering them, just making them different.

We had a late morning wedding & a brunch reception. We lowered costs by using things we LOVED & realizing that it wasn’t so much about where we had the wedding or what we did, it was more about who was there. I had a wedding dress, but the guys wore khaki pants, navy jackets & we bought their ties-coordinating, but not matching. My twins were both in the wedding. We each had an honor attendant & one other attendent. My sister was Maid/Matron of Honor & his brother was Best Man. Friends helped with parts of the service & many were very happy to offer their services (soloist, pianist, etc.) as this WAS a grand celebration.

We had a low-key rehearsal dinner that was catered, but family friendly. We did have 2 showers-they did a gift tree for us at one & it was UGA themed. We had alot of fun registering for things for us that we liked to have in our home together, without having to register for the things that first time newlyweds or homeowners have to register for bc we had both lived on our own for quite some time-duvets, nice sheets, good towels, some “Game Day” gear in UGA colors, camping equipment, etc. We also did a honeymoon registry at HoneyFund, which enabled us to take a romantic Smokey Mountain honeymoon in the middle of October (our anniversary is just 2 days away now), which is something we may not have been able to do with our own load of bills (mortgage, after school care, taxes, car payments, etc.).

I think it is hard bc everyone is in a different place when you are an older bride, but you will find that friends & family will still wish you well, you just have to modify your expectations a bit. Like I said, not lower, just different.

A bride is a bride no matter what age you are-first time, second time-no matter. It is still your special day. 🙂

 

Post # 29
Member
4943 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

We eloped, so we didn’t have any involvement from friends. But….How’s this for you. I have a friend who declined my “after elopement girls’ night” party … not because of children or whatnot, but because she hired a photographer to shoot a family portrait of her and her 3 dogs.

Yep, true story.

 

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