Post # 1
I feel like I’m more in love with my husband than he is with me. If you’ve ever been in a position like that, it’s very painful and I’m really struggling with that.
We’ve been married 10 months now and for the most part everything is wonderful with the exception of sex. I want it all the time and he never does. We have sex around 4-6 times a MONTH. I feel like he only does it to make me happy and that really hurts me. He is so sweet and wonderful, I love him with all my heart, body and soul. He tells me I’m beautiful but that doesn’t mean much when I don’t feel like he’s physically attracted to me.
I’m crazy attracted to him and can’t keep my hands off him but he doesn’t seem to feel the same way about me. He jokes around about me “pawing” at him all the time and how I’m always thinking about sex. He’s made comments about how he feels pressured to perform so I started backing off. I try not to “paw” at him or initiate anymore and just try to let him come to me but that’s not very often. I was up all night last night crying because I wanted him and was hoping he would be up for some sex but he obviously wasn’t interested. So I just rolled over and laid there and silently cried.
I think he loves me. He puts me on a pedestal and always does sweet things for me but it’s killing me that he doesn’t want me. We’ve talked about it several times over the course of our relationship and that’s why I started trying to take the pressure off him and just let him initiate when he wants it. We have sex during the time of day he prefers and I don’t complain when we only have sex once in 2 weeks. I just can’t help wishing he would just grab me and throw me on the bed and tell me how much he wants me. I don’t think that will ever happen.
Anybody else been through this? What do you think? I don’t know what to do and would like to hear from others in a similar situation.
This topic was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by recaptcha.
Post # 2
I don’t like typing on my tablet so I will be brief. You are not alone. I have googled the matter extensively and even.read a book on it. 4 to 6 times would be a great month for us, and we adore each other. Send me a pm if you want and I will try to get back to you from a computer
Post # 3
Are you aware that not everyone has the same accord me sex drive and it has nothing whatsoever to do with whether you are wanted or not?
Your sex life is actually right in line with major surveys done of American married couples.
<br />Married couples say they have sex an average of 68.5 times a year. That’s slightly more than once a week. — Newsweek
The toughest thing we have to learn to do is to accept our partners for who and what they are, and not assume that we cause any of their issues/behaviors.
Your husband may never be the lover you want, but from your description he obviously loves you.
Post # 4
I think you’re taking it as a personal insult, but really he just had a different sex drive.. And him having sex just to make you happy is a big tthing even if you get upset he’s not into it…it’s hard to be into it when your drive is not there….take it from me…him doing that is a big thing and shows he cares
Post # 5
It can be frustrating. As women we are taught that men should want to jump our bones 5x a week, whether we want it or not. I don’t even read the threads about how many times a week couples are having sex.
Post # 6
Count your blessings because it sounds like there are many good things about him. Sometimes we lack in certain areas and excel in others. My husband, for instance, can be very sexual and be up for sex whenever I mention it ( and the kids are either in bed or not demanding my attention lol) all the while he can be awful at listening, a slob, and short tempered ( to sum up some areas he lacks lol)
What I am getting at is nobody’s life and relationships is perfect. I hope you take some stress off, relax, and get lost in a hobby or time with a friend so maybe you’ll both feel recharged and ready for some intimacy when you see him. Sometimes my husband is the happiest to see me when I give him space to be in front of the tv alone for a couple hours and make a move when he comes up to bed. Patience and care are wonderful things to practice- I feel those words describe what helps a relationship be fulfilling on both ends.
Post # 7
From what I understand, your relationship has always been this way. It seems like your husband just has a lower sex drive than you, and not that he doesn’t want you or is less attracted to you. (I’m guessing he doesn’t masturbate or watch porn? If he does, that’s a different issue.) I know it’s hard, but you need to stop taking it personally and equating it with not being attracted to you or in love with you. Would he be willing to go down on you or satisfy you other ways when he doesn’t want to have (PIV) sex? Would you be happy with that? It seems like you both love each other very much and I’m sure you’ll be able to work it out.
Post # 8
I have tried very hard to give him some space. I am not a social person but I have cultivated some friendships so I regularly go out with friends now. I also try to engage in activities that keep me out of the house so he has time alone. Sometimes I also sign up for overtime on the days he has off to give him even more time away from me.
My apologies if I was a little generous in my estimates. I’m lucky if its 4-6 times a month. Usually its closer to once every 2 weeks. I guess thats better than nothing but it’s sad that even that small amount is pity sex.
Yes I realize every relationship has some give and take. Hypothetically, even if I were in a relationship with a man with a really high sex drive, he might be a real jerk otherwise. That’s why I appreciate my husband’s other qualities so much.
He says that he has a low sex drive but he also told me he masturbates once a week. I don’t understand why you would masturbate when you have an extremely willing wife.
I have a couple of theories one of which that he has a “Madonna-whore” complex. He is a gentleman and very respectful of women so l wonder if he regards me as the woman he loves who he wouldn’t degrade with “dirty” sex. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t know.
All I know is it hurts to feel constantly rejected. Apparently I can’t even hit on my husband without “putting pressure” on him.
Thanks for listening and for your feedback.
Post # 9
I can understand you feeling hurt if your husband says he has a low sex drive and yet he’s told you he masterbates once a week. If my fiance told me that I wouldn’t be very happy either. If you are willing and he knows it then why wouldn’t he come to you when he wants it too? That doesn’t make any sense to me… Have you talked to him about this and how it makes you feel like how you’re telling us right now?
I’m like you and have a very high sex drive. My fiance has a high sex drive too but not as bad as mine lol I would have it every day or every few days if I had my way. But my fiance is happy with a few times a week or less depending on how tired he is from work. So there are lots of times where I’ve had to relieve myself because I know he’s not in the mood or is too tired and I’ll leave him be. He never complains if I initiate it more and sometimes he’ll joke that he can’t keep up with me. But he does it in a loving way. I understand that sometimes work can get hard and tiring and you may not be in the mood and that’s okay. I’ve felt the same way too! From how you’ve described your husband, he sounds like a caring man that really loves you. But it’s just your sex life together that’s not satisfying to you.
But in all honesty, the fact that he told you he masturbates once a week kind of disturbs me based on your situation. I would understand if he did it if you didn’t want it, but you do so why wouldn’t he want to have sex with you instead of doing that? It just doesn’t add up to me. I would definitely talk to him about it if you haven’t already. It’s clearly very important to you so he should be willing to make the effort to make it work for the both of you so you’re both happy. That’s what marriage is all about!
Post # 10
I understand it’s hurtful to feel rejected, but you need to adjust your perspective. I think you’re overreacting a bit and reading too much into things, like the madonna-whore complex. A lot of people just have lower sex drives and it has nothing to do with love or sexual attraction.
My concern is that you’re now giving him space without any indication from him that he wants space. Not wanting sex, and not wanting to be around you are two VERY different things. I feel like you’re projecting your insecurities into other areas of your marriage, and that might start having a negative impact. What if he starts thinking you’re becoming distant and don’t want to be around him, while really you’re just trying to give him space?
Also once a week masterbation isn’t anything to be concerned about. A lot of people masterbate occasionally as a quick release without the foreplay, action, clean up, etc. If he were masterbating every day and not wanting sex, that might be something to discuss. But weekly seems reasonable. He could also go get a check up just to make sure his hormone levels are okay, but it all seems normal to me.
Maybe one thing you could try is not so much initiating sex, but initiate some extensive cuddling. Sometimes when I want sex, I find i’m craving intimacy more than actual sex, and having some bonding type is really helpful. Instead of rolling over and crying, just snuggle up to him. Take the pressure off and just enjoy being close. And if it escalates into something else, all the better, and if not, maybe it will make you feel better that you are still being intimate even if he doesn’t want sex.
I have a low sex drive, and it’s frustrating. I feel really bad that I don’t want sex as often as my partner does, and he can always tell when I force myself to do it, which makes him feel bad. For me, I had to reassure him that it has nothing to do with him, that I still find him sexy, that I like having sex with him but I just don’t have a high sex drive. Is there a big difference in your ages?
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
It could just be tht you guys have a sexual initiation disconnect. I know with me and DH, whenever I suggest it, he’s DTF, but the way he initiate turns me off sometimes (goes straight for my lady bits with no foreplay). Perhaps you have this issue in reverse?
Think about how (and when) you intiate. Maybe he doesn’t like doing it first thing in the morning, maybe he wants you to do something a little different.
Post # 12
Once weekly masturbation wouldn’t bother me if we had sex more often. Since sex is so infrequent, it seems to be taking the place of sex and that’s what bothers me. He said he typically masturbates when I’m at work and unavailable. I don’t see why he can’t wait a couple hours til I get home. I’m a year older than him.
I love to cuddle but he doesn’t. Once we’re in bed, he doesn’t like to touch at all because he says he can’t sleep like that. So if I rolled over and tried to cuddle, he’d just be irritated so I never do that. I usually will ask him to come cuddle me for a little while when I feel like it and he usually obliges me.
One thing I have done in the past is ask him to go down on me so I guess I should have done that. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it. I could have masturbated but I don’t want to. I want sex with my husband.
It’s nice to have someone to talk to about this. The only person who I normally talk to about it is my sister and I don’t want to wear her out on the subject haha. She’s got her own problems to worry about. I don’t feel comfortable talking to my friends about it.
Post # 13
My sex drive has gone down lately, and I tend to feel guility about it, because I want my SO to feel wanted/sexy etc, but he assures me it’s fine. We have sex at least once a week, but sometimes I kind of have to psych myself up for it. One thing I’ll do is when I see an “ideal” time, I’ll jump on it, since I know that later I’ll be too tired, etc.
The thing is, we are major major cuddlers, and spend a lot of time being very close, and I think that’s very intimate, so it kind of gives some of the same emotional connection that sex does.
I guess what I’m trying to say, is that two people with different sex drives can still have a very intimate, close relationship. Just be close to him and don’t obsess over the number of times you have sex.
Post # 14
I feel you. I myself have gone through the same thoughts at times, very occassionally I still do when he turns it down. For the first year we were together, we’d have sex 4/5 times a week on average, pretty much every time we saw eachother or stayed the night. deep down I know this is part of the ‘honeymoon’ stage of a relationship and that he doesn’t love me any less now that it’s on average twice a week, sometimes 1. I try to put it down to different sex drive, as I also say the whole ‘but guys are the ones who are meant to want it all the one’ but he tells me he loves me more now, and although extremely important, sex isn’t EVERYTHJNG and that sometimes he genuinly enjoys cuddling more than sex as it’s a different closeness. I agree, and I have to stop comparing to what was before. in your case, it seems it’s always been that way, so it really is just a case of conflicting sex drives.
Post # 15
What was your sex life like before marriage? Was it all of a sudden a big change in his sex drive or has this been constant throughout the duration of your entire relationship?