(Closed) Any other bees feel like husband doesn't want you?

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I don’t like typing on my tablet so I will be brief. You are not alone. I have googled the matter extensively and even.read a book on it. 4 to 6 times would be a great month for us, and we adore each other. Send me a pm if you want and I will try to get back to you from a computer

 

Post # 3
Member
47440 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
recaptcha:  Are you aware that not everyone has the same accord me sex drive and it has nothing whatsoever to do with whether you are wanted or not?

Your sex life is actually right in line with major surveys done of American married couples.

<br />Married couples say they have sex an average of 68.5 times a year. That’s slightly more than once a week. — Newsweek

The toughest thing we have to learn to do is to accept our partners for who and what they are, and not assume that we cause any of their issues/behaviors.

Your husband may never be the lover you want, but from your description he obviously loves you.

Post # 4
Hostess
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
recaptcha:  I think you’re taking it as a personal insult, but really he just had a different sex drive.. And him having sex just to make you happy is a big tthing even if you get upset he’s not into it…it’s hard to be into it when your drive is not there….take it from me…him doing that is a big thing and shows he cares

Post # 5
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It can be frustrating. As women we are taught that men should want to jump our bones 5x a week, whether we want it or not. I don’t even read the threads about how many times a week couples are having sex. 

Post # 6
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Count your blessings because it sounds like there are many good things about him. Sometimes we lack in certain areas and excel in others. My husband, for instance, can be very sexual and be up for sex whenever I mention it ( and the kids are either in bed or not demanding my attention lol) all the while he can be awful at listening, a slob, and short tempered ( to sum up some areas he lacks lol) 

What I am getting at is nobody’s life and relationships is perfect. I hope you take some stress off, relax, and get lost in a hobby or time with a friend so maybe you’ll both feel recharged and ready for some intimacy when you see him. Sometimes my husband is the happiest to see me when I give him space to be in front of the tv alone for a couple hours and make a move when he comes up to bed. Patience and care are wonderful things to practice- I feel those words describe what helps a relationship be fulfilling on both ends. 

Post # 7
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

From what I understand, your relationship has always been this way. It seems like your husband just has a lower sex drive than you, and not that he doesn’t want you or is less attracted to you. (I’m guessing he doesn’t masturbate or watch porn? If he does, that’s a different issue.) I know it’s hard, but you need to stop taking it personally and equating it with not being attracted to you or in love with you. Would he be willing to go down on you or satisfy you other ways when he doesn’t want to have (PIV) sex? Would you be happy with that? It seems like you both love each other very much and I’m sure you’ll be able to work it out.

Post # 9
Member
697 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
recaptcha:  I can understand you feeling hurt if your husband says he has a low sex drive and yet he’s told you he masterbates once a week. If my fiance told me that I wouldn’t be very happy either. If you are willing and he knows it then why wouldn’t he come to you when he wants it too? That doesn’t make any sense to me… Have you talked to him about this and how it makes you feel like how you’re telling us right now?

I’m like you and have a very high sex drive. My fiance has a high sex drive too but not as bad as mine lol I would have it every day or every few days if I had my way. But my fiance is happy with a few times a week or less depending on how tired he is from work. So there are lots of times where I’ve had to relieve myself because I know he’s not in the mood or is too tired and I’ll leave him be. He never complains if I initiate it more and sometimes he’ll joke that he can’t keep up with me. But he does it in a loving way. I understand that sometimes work can get hard and tiring and you may not be in the mood and that’s okay. I’ve felt the same way too! From how you’ve described your husband, he sounds like a caring man that really loves you. But it’s just your sex life together that’s not satisfying to you.

But in all honesty, the fact that he told you he masturbates once a week kind of disturbs me based on your situation. I would understand if he did it if you didn’t want it, but you do so why wouldn’t he want to have sex with you instead of doing that? It just doesn’t add up to me. I would definitely talk to him about it if you haven’t already. It’s clearly very important to you so he should be willing to make the effort to make it work for the both of you so you’re both happy. That’s what marriage is all about!

Post # 10
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I understand it’s hurtful to feel rejected, but you need to adjust your perspective. I think you’re overreacting a bit and reading too much into things, like the madonna-whore complex.  A lot of people just have lower sex drives and it has nothing to do with love or sexual attraction.

My concern is that you’re now giving him space without any indication from him that he wants space. Not wanting sex, and not wanting to be around you are two VERY different things. I feel like you’re projecting your insecurities into other areas of your marriage, and that might start having a negative impact. What if he starts thinking you’re becoming distant and don’t want to be around him, while really you’re just trying to give him space?

Also once a week masterbation isn’t anything to be concerned about.  A lot of people masterbate occasionally as a quick release without the foreplay, action, clean up, etc.  If he were masterbating every day and not wanting sex, that might be something to discuss.  But weekly seems reasonable.  He could also go get a check up just to make sure his hormone levels are okay, but it all seems normal to me. 

Maybe one thing you could try is not so much initiating sex, but initiate some extensive cuddling.  Sometimes when I want sex, I find i’m craving intimacy more than actual sex, and having some bonding type is really helpful.  Instead of rolling over and crying, just snuggle up to him. Take the pressure off and just enjoy being close. And if it escalates into something else, all the better, and if not, maybe it will make you feel better that you are still being intimate even if he doesn’t want sex.

I have a low sex drive, and it’s frustrating.  I feel really bad that I don’t want sex as often as my partner does, and he can always tell when I force myself to do it, which makes him feel bad.  For me, I had to reassure him that it has nothing to do with him, that I still find him sexy, that I like having sex with him but I just don’t have a high sex drive.  Is there a big difference in your ages?

Post # 11
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

View original reply
recaptcha:  It could just be tht you guys have a sexual initiation disconnect. I know with me and DH, whenever I suggest it, he’s DTF, but the way he initiate turns me off sometimes (goes straight for my lady bits with no foreplay). Perhaps you have this issue in reverse?

Think about how (and when) you intiate. Maybe he doesn’t like doing it first thing in the morning, maybe he wants you to do something a little different.

Post # 13
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

My sex drive has gone down lately, and I tend to feel guility about it, because I want my SO to feel wanted/sexy etc, but he assures me it’s fine. We have sex at least once a week, but sometimes I kind of have to psych myself up for it. One thing I’ll do is when I see an “ideal” time, I’ll jump on it, since I know that later I’ll be too tired, etc.

The thing is, we are major major cuddlers, and spend a lot of time being very close, and I think that’s very intimate, so it kind of gives some of the same emotional connection that sex does. 

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that two people with different sex drives can still have a very intimate, close relationship. Just be close to him and don’t obsess over the number of times you have sex.

Post # 14
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee

I feel you. I myself have gone through the same thoughts at times, very occassionally I still do when he turns it down. For the first year we were together, we’d have sex 4/5 times a week on average, pretty much every time we saw eachother or stayed the night. deep down I know this is part of the ‘honeymoon’ stage of a relationship and that he doesn’t love me any less now that it’s on average twice a week, sometimes 1. I try to put it down to different sex drive, as I also say the whole ‘but guys are the ones who are meant to want it all the one’ but he tells me he loves me more now, and although extremely important, sex isn’t EVERYTHJNG and that sometimes he genuinly enjoys cuddling more than sex as it’s a different closeness. I agree, and I have to stop comparing to what was before. in your case, it seems it’s always been that way, so it really is just a case of conflicting sex drives. 

Post # 15
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

What was your sex life like before marriage? Was it all of a sudden a big change in his sex drive or has this been constant throughout the duration of your entire relationship? 

The topic ‘Any other bees feel like husband doesn't want you?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors