Post # 1
Until recently, my Future Mother-In-Law and I got along great. We’d shop, have coffee in the morning, etc.
Her son and technically I moved out (I lived at home as well, but spent most of my time there) recently and between that and the wedding planning our relationship has gone downhill. His sister moved out after us. Now, his mother is going through an extreme case of empty nest syndrome (his sister moved down the street from us and his mother will be moving beside his sister… seriously) and I think she blames me for all of this change. We also don’t see her as much now that we don’t live with them, but we see them at least 2x/week.
I read all these posts about horrible Future Mother-In-Law and I never thought I’d have to deal with one.
If your relationship did a 180 when did it come full circle?
Post # 2
How has it gone downhill? I don’t know if there are enough details to help. But like you said, she’s had a lot of change, both her kids moved out at the same time. That’s probably quite a big deal since she’s been with them for what… 20+ years?? As a sidenote, I love my mom but could never, ever have her live right next door or down the street from us. She wouldn’t want that either.
Post # 3
yep; it did a 180 after we got engaged and then went steadily downhill. At one point I thought things were getting back on track but they didn’t, and now (4 years on) we’ve ended up cutting contact with her (2 weeks ago now). Will post in more detail later but the massively condensed version is we’re pretty sure she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and so unfortunately it was inevitable that things would sour after we got engaged.
Post # 4
As far as my relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law doing a 180 – yes and no. My Future Mother-In-Law and I got along great. We planned things together, went shopping and visited family without my Fiance, she would help when I needed her, and vice versa, but I always knew there were personality issues because she didn’t talk to her eldest daughter and complained about her son-in-law all the time. Well, one day she found a reason to make me the enemy too, as she does with anyone that’s not related to her that she sees as a threat to her way of life. My situation will never turn around. Hopefully, yours isn’t as extreme. Best of luck.
I recommend the book “Toxic In-Laws” by Susan Forward, Ph.D. It helped me get through the shock of my Future Mother-In-Law issues.
Post # 5
I’ve definitely had a complete 180 here. I’m hoping for change in the future, but I’m not holding my breath. What kind of issues are you having? Have you tried to talk to her?
Post # 6
my mil and I got along great in the beginning then things went downhill around the time of the engagement. she blamed me for the fact she wasn’t number one to her son anymore. I’m not going to lie I wasn’t the nicest person around her for a while. We have been married for a year and a half and I can honestly say things have drastically improved! ! I go over to hang out with my mil now and I never thought that day would come!
I dont one know the specific details surrounding your situation, but I would just continue being respectful and understanding of her feelings right now. hopedully your situation can make a turn for the better as well
Post # 7
I don’t know if I can offer any details that don’t sound stupid because it’s really a compilation of a lot of little things.
The main issue we’ve always had that is now coming to the surface (as we’ve moved out) is how different we are when it comes to keeping house.
She’s a housewife and I genuinely believe there’s nothing wrong with that profession (I’m only planning to work part time and my Fiance supports that), but she’s the laziest housewife. Ever. The place is never clean. Now, I will confess I’m OCD and my house is cleaner than necessary, but I was beginning to get frustrated staying over there because it was such a mess. I may get flack for this, but I think a housewife’s job is to keep a clean damn house. Cleaner than most… That’s their job. Also, she rarely made dinner. Again, I believe that’s a housewife’s purpose. She probably did as much cooking and cleaning as a single mother who works full time and I just found that hard to deal with, probably because my mother is a single hard working mother who does more around the house than she does.
Now that we’ve moved out, she doesn’t seem to fathom that keeping house requires work and we cannot come over everyday. I need to clean and it takes organization to to prepare meals and I get so frustrated when I’ve prepared dinner and she invites out OUT to eat. She’s always asking what I’ve made to eat.
We recently had a blowout because I was in the process of buying a very ridiculous and un necessary home decor object. (A $1,500 Swavorski figurine to be exact, lol.) Now, I know it’s an object that’s not needed, but I am by no means a shopaholic. I finally have my own house and I just wanted a signature decor piece. This is another thing we butt heads over: She wants to go to the mall everyday and I only buy what is needed. I have one very nice piece of something that I keep for years, not 5 average things that are the exact same. For example I have 3 pairs of shoes, and she buys so,etching monthly because it’s on sale. They have an entire room full of shoes. She, however, has objects all over her house, to the point that you can’t sit at the table without moving something. If you totalled up all of her stuff it would cost more than my silly crystal. Anyway, she blew up, calling me spoiled, blah, blah. I ended up screaming back at her saying that she’s a quantity type of lady whereas I prefer quality and it all goes downhill from there.
Like I said it’s silly, but it’s becoming a serious case of,personality clashing.
Post # 8
I’ll look into this. She has bad blood with her eldest daughter ATM, simply because her daughter doesn’t make enough time for her. She also feels as though she’s being used as a free babysitter which I understand, but she CAN say no. I got fed up listening to her trash talk her daughter so I asked her why she simply didn’t do something… Why she didn’t just say no. Her response, “If I didn’t watch the baby, what else would I do?” She doesn’t really have a lot of hobbies. Cleaning and cooking isn’t even one of them. Her daughter isn’t innocent in that she doesn’t make as much time for her as she could, but she works full time! My Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t seem to grasp how much time and energy having a job takes. I guess its my turn to have the bad blood or fall from grace or whatever.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2015 - City Hall!
i care for my Mother-In-Law because of some health issues. i take her to drs appointments, handle medication, etc. now when i say care, i mean…she can handle herself..to a point. she is pre alzheimer’s and has a whole boat load of problems. she’s apparently (according to my Fiance and siblings) been a little psycho her whole life (or theirs really)
so we have days where she LOVES ME MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. and then there’s days where talks crap. does she ever hate me? no. so our relationship really at the root of it is good. and then it’s bad. and then it got really bad. and now it’s good again.
what it took was me just letting it go. ignoring the issues we had. and moving past them on my own. even though what was happening bothered me to the core.
anyway rant over but in a nutshell. if it’s important to you to have a good relationship with her, it will come around, even if you have to let go of a lot of disagreement.
^^been up with a sick child all night, including an ER trip, and that’s word vomit. apologies!^^
Post # 10
I used to work as a PSW in the secured unit so all of the residents were suffering from all degrees of Alzheimer’s, dementia, memory loss, etc. I know how tough it can be to have a relationship witth someone under these circumstances. Youve got the right idea by moving on on your own! I couldn’t recommend a better idea. Especially bexcuse communication with these individuals is next to impossible at times its important to take contrOlof your emotions. On a random side note, one thing I prayed for daily while working in healthcare is a cure for Alzheimer’s. I just wish we had more to offer those who suffer! I think it’s one of the worst afflictions an individual can suffer from so props to you for handling everything so lovely.
Anyway, after writing and re reading my posts, I feel better. It worked almost like a vent! I’ll just take a step back from my relationship with her for the moment. I don’t want to make it worse and I don’t think I can keep in check every time just yet. It’ll get better when it gets better.
Post # 11
Not necessarily a 180 with mine because we weren’t BFFs or anything before the engagement, but I am with PPs in that things have gotten really crappy after getting engaged. I’m hoping things get better, or we might end up having to cut her out.
Despite my best efforts, she never 100% liked me, and has admitted indirectly that it’s bevause I’m not from old southern money, I was never a sorority girl, and because we have different values (aka I’m not racist and support women’s rights). She always just said “oh we’re just different” but it was clear that she thought my differences from her made me not as good. But we were always cordial, and once in a while even got along really well!
Then we got engaged. She knew it was coming (FI had several conversations with her about it), but that doesn’t seem to have helped. I think she is having a REALLY hard time coping with her oldest son getting married, and especially to (gasp!) a girl who doesn’t have rich parents who own land and who wasn’t in a sorority. I must be awful!
She’s chosen to lash out by acting like our wedding isn’t real because it’s small, insisting my parents must be paying even though they have no money, and then telling me that my parents don’t love me or care about my wedding because they don’t have a wedding fund for me, and insulting my upbringing.
We’re not on speaking terms. I’m still waiting for an apology from her and some serious changes before she can be a part of my life. She keeps liking everything on my Facebook, but that’s NOT an apology, so I’m ignoring it.