(Closed) Any other bees not like their in-laws? How do you deal?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

@Ali-oop:  Yes!  Your situation sounds identical to mine minus the physical abuse.  I handle this by not spending time there.  FH defends his father (though sees the error of his ways and will not hesitate to call him on them).  I avoid the stress by letting FH go there alone, or not spending much time there if I have to go.  It is hard for FH to know I do not care for his father, but he deals.  I do not speak ill of his father.  Be very careful about that.

Post # 4
Member
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yep. I do not care for them. At first, I had no issues at all. But then I got to see the real (scary) sides of these people and now I’m just not a fan. His mom is very controlling over him and I don’t feel truly wants him to be happy. I think she wants to be the only woman in his life.

 

His step mom drinks excessively and doesn’t remember conversations. She then later, holds others accountable for what she does or doesn’t say. It’s all very confusing. She is also a non stop talker (actually both his mom and step mom are…I’m sure there is no coincidence his dad picked them both!) and just says really mean things about other people.

I like his brother very much. And his Dad and his grandfather. And his maternal grandmother. And his son. =)

Edit: You asked for how we deal…

I just complain to my family or friends and try to keep my complaining to him really low, even if he’s complaining. I do support his relationships with them but I don’t put myself in situations where I can be a target. And when I’m around them, I’m just nice and say positive things. I also don’t disclose a lot personally. To his step mom, I don’t go out of my way to talk to her but I also won’t ignore her if she tries to talk to me. I give one word, pleasant responses.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
9692 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Ali-oop: I don’t care for my inlaws either, so we don’t see them.  

Post # 7
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My FH is very close to his family.  I love that about him, except for that fact that I’m ALWAYS made to feel like the lesser person in the bunch.  His entire family makes me feel as if I don’t know anything and they know everything and always will.  IRRITATING!

Post # 8
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

@Ali-oop:  When we go to family functions, I typically say “hello, how are you doing?” smile, and go mingle with other members of his family.  We definitely don’t NOT go to functions because of him – we just spend our time around other people there.  If there is a function where it is just us we (or at least me) usually will not go.  

I don’t think anything should change or become harder once you have children.  You should continue to avoid and, if necessary to see him, be cordial with him.  Based on what you said about his personality, I would NOT allow unsupervised visits between them and you and DH’s child.  At the very least DH should be there, and he should be aware that you do not want his father alone with the child. 

Post # 10
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I am not super-crazy about his family.  They’re nice enough people, don’t get me wrong – but his dad and sister frequently drink/smoke to excess and they’re not very nice once they’re under the influence, while his mom is very passive-aggressive, which I just don’t have the patience to deal with.  She also talks all the time about how her daughter is her “best friend” and how she hopes I will be, too – she’s even asked repeatedly that I call her ‘Mom’.  First – I have a mom, so no, I’ll continue calling you by your given name.  Second – since your definition of ‘best friend’ means trying to make decisions for me and/or complaining to me all the time about stuff we both know you’re not going to do anything about, we’re just not going to be BFFs, sorry.  I tried explaining all this to FI the other day and I think he was a little insulted/disappointed…he feels like he is ‘friends’ with my parents.  But my parents (both of whom had strained relationships with their in-laws) are wayyyyyy less intrusive than his parents, at least IMHO.  We’ll be living ~20 minutes from both sets of parents post-wedding, so we’ll see what kind of balancing act we can strike…

Post # 11
Member
5245 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Ali-oop:  I dont mind my inlaws they are kind and generous people but I currently live with them and I dislike them more and more each day cause they do weird things that annoy me. Thankfully we are leaving in 44 days because I know if I stayed any longer I would end up hating them!!!!

Post # 12
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I feel for you! I couldn’t stand my ex-in laws to the point where I would feel physically sick whenever I had to spend time with them. I found my best way of coping with them was a drink beforhand, if possible (they were all anti-alcohol so it had to be before), or thinking of something to do that I enjoy after seeing them and focusing on that.

Post # 13
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

@Ali-oop:  It is probably important to discuss your concerns about your FFIL’s behavior (in respect to your future children) with FH now.  Make sure to tread lightly… This discussion was difficult for my FH and I because he felt like he needed to defend his father.  It is a slippery slope – be careful not to insult FFIL to FH! 

I think my argument was based on that “I do not approve of X, Y, and Z behaviors that your father constantly demonstrates around me and your young brother, and I do not want my child raised in or exposed that type of environment.  How do you feel about that FH?”  I kind of let him give me his opinions after each thought I presented to him.  He seemed to take that well.  But your FH is certainly different so do your best to present it in a way that will not make him want to defend his father.

 

Post # 15
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I love most of my in-laws. They’ve been nothing but kind, inclusive, and helpful when we need it.

FMIL is a different story. I really did try when I first moved up here, and she didn’t seem so bad. Well, turns out she was just pretty good at hiding her crazy. I’d find out later that some of her stories weren’t true (e.g. she’d tell it as though she acted calm and collected, but we’d later find out that she got drunk and had a vitrolic alcoholic meltdown spanning several hours). We luckily don’t get much of that anymore (once she had a total red-faced spitting & screaming meltdown because we asked that she not give our pets treats for a few days; she threatened to call the police), because she doesn’t visit drunk, but we do get VMails occasionally.

She also likes to grossly overstep her boundaries, but FI and I are so much better about keeping that in check. A few years ago, she had taken it upon herself to reorganize our entire kitchen while we were getting ready. I had a potted plant outside the door, and opened the door one day to find her standing there with the pot, sans my plant, with her “prettier flowers” inside of it instead. At one point, she was obsessed with having my cat and kept trying to bargain for him. He’s MY cat and I love him!

Then there are the inappropriate questions or comments. One would be the time she claimed that this was HER wedding (even though I am doing all of the planning, and FI and I are the only ones paying for it). Another was when she called here and asked if I knew who my real father was. WTF? Even if my father wasn’t my biological dad (which he most certainly is), he is the one who loved me, raised me, and taught me what life is! YES, I know who my real father is.

Luckily, FI is on the same page with me, and puts up with even less than I do. We deal with her by setting strict boundaries for ourselves, and enforcing them. I mean, we didn’t give her a set of rules or anything, but we’ve decided what we’re okay with and enforce those boundaries as they come up. If she doesn’t call before coming over, even though we’ve asked her to so many times, we don’t answer the door. If she starts being rude about something, FI promptly reminds her how rude she’s being and hangs up the phone if necessary. She isn’t allowed to call him screaming about something, like she does to other people; he’ll hang up and won’t engage in an argument. We don’t tell her many things anymore, not really more than you would tell an aquaintence, because we know she’ll sit and obsess about it.

As for how I personally deal with the frustration, well, this is one way. It’s nice to talk to some other people about being in similar situations. I also arrange to be busy if I know she’s coming over, whether that’s an impromptu shopping trip, a nice long shower, or conveniently leaving early for work. On my phone, I’ve set her number to go straight to voicemail, so I never again have to deal with her habit of burst calling interrupting my business. So I mainly work on minimizing my time with her as much as possible, and support FI in upholding boundaries. It seems to work pretty well.

Post # 16
Member
1926 posts
Buzzing bee

Just don’t get involved, that’s my strategy. His family adores me but have SO much drama with each other. I do my best not to get involved but they always manage to stick me in the middle of it. 

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