I think I do, though there’s no diagnosis at play (I’m currently therapist-shopping since I have new insurance). I’ve got CPTSD and bipolar 1 going on, so there’s a lot going on upstairs…thankfully, I’m stable and medicated except for my crap body image.
When I was 22, I had to take a course of prednisone that absolutely trashed my metabolism–we’re talking 20 lb gain in like a month. I also had half of my thyroid removed at 19 (that’s a story for another day). I’d always been very thin; I’d finally gotten up to 125 at 5’4″ and was happy with my weight.
Then that turned into 140, then 150, and so on. For about a year, I was heavily restricting calories and working out so much that I had basically no energy…and for a spoonie, that’s rough. I was basically at “negative spoons” all the time.
Now, I’m around 170 but my old clothes still somehow fit. I’m guessing it’s because of how my weight is distributed, but I’m still hard on myself because of the numbers game. I also have endometriosis, so there’s the contant bloat thing, which I call the “endo baby.” (Today, its name is Winston. Gotta laugh, or I’ll cry.) At this point, I don’t even keep a scale in the house because I know I’ll obsess over it. I do have a measuring tape but only break it out about once a month, just to check my waist size, which I know is super unhealthy. But I’ve gotten to the point where if the tape says I’ve gone up a bit, I just kind of laugh it off, which helps.
Basically, I’m trying to make peace with my weight. I know BMI is a load of crap and my doctors have never gotten on my case about it because I don’t carry any of it in my waist or stomach, really. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about it almost daily. I have good days and bad days.
Dress shopping made me feel crappy–there were a couple of other girls there who were soooo thin, like I used to be. The sample on one dress wouldn’t even zip past my waist (thanks, rib cage). Luckily, the consultants and my fiance, who came with, were wonderfully supportive and made me feel beautiful. But it’s still a daily struggle.