(Closed) Any Other Custodial Stepmoms Out There?

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 2
Member
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

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kat4546 :  I can’t relate myself, but DH’s sister has two kids from a previous relationship and two kids from her current relationship. The father of the first two has no interractions with his children and is a dead beat dad and doesn’t even pay child support. Him and his family have not tried to contact the kids in the past 4 years that I have known them and even longer before that (ages 7&9). So, with her situation, the ather of the younger two supports all four of the children (2 are his, 2 aren’t). They are exploring the process of him adopting the older two since they already call him dad and he is the only father figure they have, it just makes sense for him to have custody along with my SIL. God orbid something happened to SIL, what would happen withe the two older kids? You never know. I think it is a wonderful thing for the children to be adopted by their step-dad.

I think that speaks volumes for you as a person to take on someone elses child as your own. That child unfortunately has an unreliable bio-mom, but luckily has a step-mom who truly cares for his well-being. Kudos to you!

Post # 4
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I applause you for doing this! It tells your character. I am a stepmom to his children but I have not taken on the fulltime role.

I’m in the opposite boat my DH is going to adopt my daughter. Since we’ve dated he’s been with her daily. Her sperm donor has not contact in 4 years. 

Good luck and if you need anything you can message me 🙂 

Post # 6
Member
1906 posts
Buzzing bee

I’ve been dating my SO for a year now, and we have 50/50 custody of his DS. As a new stepmom I’m curious as to what have you are finding different about being a custodial stepparent vs. a non-custodial stepparent. When you say this has been “hard” and are looking for support – what has been hard? Is it emotionally hard based on your new perception of your role, or has it been hard on SS with this change of custody? 

Post # 8
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

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kat4546 :  here I’m !!! Same situation, the female went crazy on the streets after their break up. She wanted freedom and lost control.  Then list her mind when she realized her loss   Lost all of her five kids. We only have his three. Ages 8,7,4. They know she is their mom but they refer to me as their mommy for all matters.  She is not around what so ever. She tried to fight us in court but it was a no brainer. The four ye old has been w me since she is two months old. Imagine. story short They are my babies. That’s the bottom line. 

Post # 9
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1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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kat4546 :  I’m in a similar situation to you. My DH has 2 children from a previous relationship, a 12 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. They live with us for 11 months of the year and see their mom for a week at Christmas, spring break and 2 weeks in the summer. For me, it was a hard adjustment especially with his daughter. She is old enough to remember her mom and doesn’t see or respect me as a mother role in her life. Some days I wonder why I even try but there are moments which makes it worth it. I feel like I’m alone in the being a step mom full time since it seems pretty rare for dads to have custody (at least where I live), so it’s nice to hear someone in a similar situation. I’ve been a step mom for 4 years now and it does get easier as you find a new normal :). 

Post # 10
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

Awwww He is only 4 yrs old… Listen bee, I have seen the impact something like this  takes on a baby his age. I teach preschoolers and believe me it affects them. All they want is to be loved, be understood, to feel that they are safe and belong home  and free of fault or guilt.  

As I shared in my post I also lived the transition and “what if she comes back into their life?”  But I stayed strong because I love them and they needed healing. so it was not about how hard or difficult The situation or my life could get, it was not about me or DH. It was about “let’s do this now” for them we were painting clay cars or houses or blowing bubbles, a walk in the neighborhood or counting red cars or how many trucks we see, hugs and kisses goodnight, milkshakes or orange juice, I-hop or fruit loops  I gave my nights and extra hours in the morning to them  all of it for them  they didn’t choose me, I didn’t choose them, shot not even daddy had a said so because it was all God. Things happen for a reason. And they are happy.  

Its not easy. but even if you SS was your own that would not have had been any easy either. (Shall we start with morning sickness then 9 months of carrying while he kick the living shit out of you from the inside out OMG and the pain and  pushing!!! ) I was already mommy to 3 kids aged 15, 14,8 at the time I got engaged.  I knew about his  4, 2  yr old kids and one of them was 4 months old when this transition began.   Did it ever crossed my mind  I would have them legally or full time?no All six full time? No  but I knew they are the most important part of him. They are his heart beat. And they are defenseless So when CPS knocked on our door looking for them to take them away (and my husband becoming agitated didn’t help,)I stepped in and I reassured them the 4 and 2 yr old were w us  due to an arrangement we had w her (which thanks god I got him to have her put it on writing) and I pretty much had to prove right there and then that it was gonna be more harm than good to put the baby in the system than to leave her w us as we go thru the legal process of DNA…We fought in court against her, and CPS and everybody and their momma for us to keep the baby. It was not easy. We married while all this battle was playing in the back of our heads.  I could have walked out on him, We often disagreed on many issues , I didn’t have any obligations w him, we didn’t live together or Had kids w him.  but I didn’t do that.  I didn’t question my responsibility and or purpose to the little ones. Now we have 8 kids at home. 3+3+2 And i am their mommy.  And when they call me mommy you better not look at skin color or question it.  You better bet!!

Post # 11
Member
1906 posts
Buzzing bee

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kat4546 :  Oh, okay – the adjustment is on your end. I was just trying to understand that piece.

I can definitely see how that would be a big adjustment. I went from 0 kids, to having a 6 year old for a week at a time, every other week. I went from sleeping in as absolutely late as I possible could, to being responsible for getting him up, lunch packed, and to school several towns over on top of a 40 minute commute to my own job. I went from being able to enjoy my silence, to always having some kind of video game on, or ball flying through the air, or “hey, watch this!” every 5 seconds. There are times I am so grateful for when he goes back to his mom’s – not because I don’t love him and don’t enjoy him, but it is a different kind of exhausted when it’s not your biological child.

That’s great to hear that he is adjusting well!

I think a big proponent is going to be to talk with your partner and understand what this new agreement means for each of you. Find out the expectations (is he expecting you to go full throttle mommy, or will he still be the one to call the main shots, and what to do when you’re feeling overwhelmed through this process?) It’s going to be a difficult thing for both of you as this is also a new thing for him, too. Yes, it is different because it’s his child, but the 24/7 is new for both of you. Make sure you guys are on the same page, and that you both feel comfortable to tag the other in if it gets overwhelming. *big hugs* and GL!

Post # 12
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee

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kat4546 :  Hi there! I just wanted to pop in say what I think you’re doing is awesome and so selfless. I’m a stepmom, but our bio-mom is very much involved and so we have my stepkid quite often, but not full time by any means.

I think that step-parenting is one of THE HARDEST things I have ever, ever gone through. No two situations are exactly alike, no two sets of families are alike and it’s so hard to find situation that mirrors yours exactly. You’re thrown all kinds of curveballs such as visitation changes, aging stepkids, exes, old in-laws, NEW in-laws, in-laws that might favor the bio-mom, in-laws that may hate the bio-mom, stepkids that act out, step kids that latch on, step kids that vary between the two phases because they’re trying to figure all of this out, too… a SO that still has to interact with an ex– maybe they get along, maybe they don’t, maybe they didn’t and now they do and there’s all these weird facets of their relationship that you, the stepmom, have to accept as your reality.

Then layer in if *you* bring any children into the fold. If you do, you have to incorporate them into this new family and carve out your time and energy for them and your stepkids. If you come into it without bio kids, you’re automatically assumed to be ill-equipped for the role and never fully accepted as a stepMOM. Unless, of course, they do embrace you as such and now you’re being mom to a kid that at times you love, at times you dislike– maybe even at times you hate. This tiny being grows into a medium sized being that grows into a full blown adult and you’re supposed to unconditionally love, support, protect, finance, guide (but not too much) this person– but do so at arms length. OR maybe not at all at arms length, maybe it’s expected you’ll to do this 100%. Point is, everyone’s household is different. But the feelings are all the same: love, happiness, annoyance, jealousy, hurt, pride, protectiveness, anger, compassion.

It is a TOUGH role that each individual person has to try and navigate for themselves. So just know that there’s a lot of stepmoms out there, and we’re all trying to figure this role out as best we can. My advice is stay off of the far corners of the internet when it comes to looking for advice, because there’s some VERY hurt and jaded step-parents out there who paint a picture of total misery. It’s best to try and keep the focus on YOU and what YOU need in the family just as much as you’re focusing on the kid(s). 

KIDS FIRST is one of the worst pieces of advice that “blended families” receive. You need to make sure you’re taking care of you, and that you and your SO are taking care of each other emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically alongside your care for the kid. Parents of bio-kids need a break all the time (and are encouraged to say/do so!), stepmoms deserve a break, too– and it is OK to vocalize that and not be painted as the bad guy and not feel guilty about it.

Good luck! 

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