(Closed) Any other NW have an in-law living with them?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 4
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You are definitely unique, RoddyBride Tongue out

Although I think this becomes more common with say, a mother moving in when you are older (maybe in your 30’s/40’s when one of your parents would be ailing more likely from natural causes?). I have a friend whose grandma has lived with them FOREVER.

Post # 5
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

Mother-In-Law lives with us. It’s not much fun. We’ll likely live with her forever because of Chinese tradition (unless she moves in with SIL).

Post # 8
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

It’s a Korean thing, too. My grandma lived with her daughter for years. It really stressed my aunt out. Getting her to live in an assisted living home has been a HUGE adjustment. She keeps saying things like “i move in with you now?” to my mom. It’s “expected” but my parents know she needs proper medical care (she’s type 1 diabetic and almost 80) and her culture tends to have a, well, “wait on me” sort of attitude because that’s how it works in Korea….elders get taken care of by their children.

Post # 9
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

@ejs- Yup! They feel that the kids owe it to them to take care of the elders since they took care of the kids while they grew up. My mother in law isn’t really old and can DEFINITELY care for herself without any issues, but it’s just expected for the younger generation to do that. When they’re really traditional, they even expect an “allowance.” Father-In-Law was talking about 1,000 a month! There’s no way we could afford that, especially since whatever we give to Father-In-Law, Mother-In-Law will expect more (they’re divorced). My husband and SIL try to have as little to do with their father as possible though (long story that’s not for here lol). It’s no fun, but luckily Mother-In-Law doesn’t interfere too much. The worst part is that she has so much STUFF and clutter EVERYWHERE and we can’t get rid of anything. Like we have to sneak empy boxes and packing peanuts out to the trash or else if she sees it she might want to keep it for something. No joke! If that’s the worst of our problems though, it’s not so bad lol

Post # 11
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow. You ladies are much more patient than me. I can barely handle all the junk Dh and I have, let alone a third person putting their stuff everywhere. And an allowance?! I can’t imagine having a spare $1,000/month floating around! Maybe $100, haha. Really though, that’s what pensions are for. I know my gma doesn’t get much (some veterans pension b/c gpa retired in the military) but my mom saves it every month and then uses it to buy her clothes and food and stuff.

I would totally sneak boxes in and chuck stuff away! Sometimes, i go into MY closet and go “if i threw this chest out, what would i miss?” and i realize…nothing.

Post # 13
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Wow…RoddyBride…you are a Saint in my book!  I really admire you for having such the good attitude that you do.  I wish I could be more…hmm…patient, kind, humble, etc. lol I should definitely take a lesson from you!  You Rock!

My Darling Husband and I often worry that this will be the case with his parents (mainly his mom…his parents are divorced).  I have told him under absolutely no circumstances will his mother live with us while we have our children at home (unless ofcourse, there is a health issue like in your case).  DH’s mother spends money like it’s going out of style.  She’s nearly 50 and I’d be shocked if she had more than a few hundred bucks in the bank account each month.  Clearly, saving for her retirement is not her priority.  Her attitude is that when she reaches retirement age, it’s up to her kids to take care of her.  I think she may have overlooked the fact that none of her kids have children right now, so in 15 years, when she’s ready to retire, we’re all going to have very young children at our homes and will not have the financial means or space to accomodate her.  I know in some cultures, supporting your parents is the norm…but in her case, it’s pure selfishness & laziness.  I’m not going to let her lack of planning and discipline take away from my future children’s financial stability.  I have a HUGE issue (to say the least) with people who expect hand outs.  With that said, I know tragedies happen, serious health issues, financial hardship, etc…and for those, I would gladly take in a family member to help out.  But I’m not going to reward someone like my Mother-In-Law who could be/could have been providing for herself, yet chose to burden her children when there was no reason too.

Post # 15
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yeah, it’s definitely very common in Asian cultures.

Roddy, I have a lot of respect for you for living with your Father-In-Law. I know with Americans sometimes the concept is so foreign to them and I think anyone that’s any less of a human being than you & your Fiance would just throw their Father-In-Law to the wind so to speak. So Kudos!

Having ILs live with you is def a lot of strain whether it’s expected or not. There’s bound to be personalities clashing when there are two “mothers”. Know what I mean?

Fiance and I always joke that if we move back closer to NYC we need to buy a house with a “detached apartment” because my mom would surely move in with us. I don’t think I can live in the same space as my mom. Hahha. She has a different way of keeping house than Fiance and I! But she is a great little worker!! ๐Ÿ˜›

@Joeswifey,
The GREAT benefit is a free babysitter that you know will love your child as much as you do! No one loves a grandchild like Chinese grandparents! They are the jewels of their eyes!

It’s funny because most Chinese parents I know are supreme cheapskates. They never spend any money on themselves because they hoard every cent so that when they die they will give it to their kids. It frustrates me when my mom does that! Ugh. I always tell her “Mom! Just buy that darn shirt! I’ll buy it!”.
So Chinese parents expect their children to take care of them when they are older but not necessarily in a complete financial dependency kind of way.

I always give my mom spending money when we go back but she always refuses it saying “when you get a real job”. And now it’s “when you’re married”. Pretty soon she’ll run out of excuses and have to take the money from me! I just leave it on her dresser. Hehe.

Post # 16
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@roddybride

I feel like we are living the same life! at least from what you’ve said… and honestly I’m having a very tough time with it right now.

I think he’s waiting to propose until after he’s sure I can make it through the rough stuff and still stay stable and sane lol.its. not. going. well.

We live with his dad, he cant cover his mortgage, so the boy has been paying it for the last 3+ years or so. He’s 68 and qualifies for SS (which would cover everything) but he’s 10+ years behind on his taxes. It’s a nightmare, but the boy is kinda stuck, he doesn’t feel right just leaving him here- he won’t help himself… but on the other hand it’s getting to the point where he can’t really afford to do this anymore, there really is no end in sight- other than Innocent him going somewhere nice and fluffy. Which is terrible to say. But even then, the boy would be stuck to pick up the pieces and deal with the huge mess his father left behind for him. I think the worst part is that he has two daughters (20+ years older than my boy) that refuse to have any contact with him whatsoever.. he has great grandchildren that he’s never met and probably doesn’t know about.. it’s just redic.

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