Any parents that never allow their children to sleepover at anyone else's house?

posted 1 month ago in Parenting
  • poll: Do you allow sleepovers?
    Yes : (32 votes)
    36 %
    No : (14 votes)
    16 %
    Only if it meets my criteria : (40 votes)
    45 %
    Only if I don't have a choice : (2 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    471 posts
    Helper bee

    I don’t have kids, but my parents never allowed me to do sleepovers at anyone’s house except for my aunts/uncles/cousins who lived nearby, and ONE good friend I had whose parents they had known for years and who went to our church.

    It uspet me as a kid not to be able to participate in slumber parties with my friends, but as an adult, I know it didn’t hurt me any and my parents were probably more right than I ever knew about the possible dangers.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1054 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    My stepdaughter went to boarding school (her choice, and common in this country), and very often on the weekends she would go and stay at the homes of her school friends. I think what it just came down to for Darling Husband was that she had to be able to live her life. There are lots of ways for young people to be hurt, and wrapping her in cotton wool wasn’t a solution. She’d just feel miserable and excluded if all her friends were going to stay at someone’s place and she was never allowed. Student sisterhood and group culture are huge things here, and it would have caused her big problems socially not to be included.

    He’d say no if he felt the situation was sketchy, but as far as I know that only happened once.

    Post # 4
    Member
    7625 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    chillbee29 :  my daughter is 2 years old and has had sleepovers with grandparents only. There is literally no reason for her to have a sleepover with anyone else at this age. If we needed overnight childcare in an emergency and a grandparent wasn’t available I would leave her with my best friend (I’ve known her and her husband for over 20 years and they also have 2 little girls) but no one else. We haven’t used in-home babysitters yet because I didn’t want to leave her alone with a hired stranger until she’s verbal and can tell me if something goes wrong. 

    This is the main reason I think it’s incredibly important to teach proper terms for body parts, respect bodily autonomy, and inappropriate touching from a very young age. My daughter told me the other day “don’t touch my vulva mommy!” because she had a diaper rash and it hurt when I was changing her. I told her “good instincts – you can always tell someone that you don’t want them to touch you and the only people that should be touching your vulva are if they are changing you diaper”.  We NEVER make her hug, kiss, or even high five ANYONE if she doesn’t want to. If someone asks for affection she isn’t in the mood for I tell her “that’s ok, just give a wave/blow a kiss and say bye-bye”. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    2024 posts
    Buzzing bee

    We have sleepovers for my stepkid. Our style of parenting is that we can’t bubble wrap them nor do we want to, but we also don’t want to not put common sense parameters in place. So far, it’s only been with very close family friends and family.

    Post # 8
    Member
    651 posts
    Busy bee

    My son is 7 and he has been invited to sleep overs a few times and declined on his own accord. Even if he wanted to, I probably wouldn’t let him. It’s not because I don’t trust the families where he is invited over, but he’s simply not ready, and probably won’t be for at least a few more years. I know if we let him go to a sleep over it would be a negative experience for him, so he’s better off waiting until he is more mature. Once he is, he will only be allowed if I know the family and trust them completely. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    471 posts
    Helper bee

    chillbee29 :  The only thing I would add is to occasionally host sleepovers at your house if your child is upset that they aren’t allowed to go to sleepovers. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    7625 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    chillbee29 :  it’s always been pretty obvious from body launguage when my daughter doesn’t want someone to hug her even before she was talking. She’ll move away, hide or bury her face in me, full on cry, etc. We have had a few family members try to grab and hug her anyways and my husband or I intervene and tell them “she doesn’t want a hug and she doesn’t have to give you one.” and then ask her “sweetie how about a high five instead?” Sometimes she will happily do a high-five but plenty of times she won’t and I say “that’s ok you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” I’ll encourage the older child or adult show their affection in other ways such as words or blowing kisses (my kid is all about blowing kisses). If their feelings are hurt because I’m teaching my child that she is 100% in control of who touches her body then tough shit. 

    When she was an infant I made it very clear that if you kiss my newborn on the face I will end you. Keep your germy ass-face away from my kid until she’s built up an immune system and gotten shot up full of vaccines! 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1045 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t have any children, but I work with children on a daily basis, and I don’t have any issue with sleepovers. As far as I am aware, most adults who molest children spend some time grooming them first, because they are still living in the community and don’t want the upheaval of people finding out. They need to get their victims to trust them. If they come from a position of authority or use fear and threats they might not need to groom as much, but in most cases they tend to spend a fair amount of time buying the child things, trying to get them on their own, giving them special attention that seems a bit off to you. If you are paying attention to the people around your children, and if you teach your children to pay attention, to communicate with you, and to recognize situations that aren’t safe for them you will ward off most danger. 

    2 separate notes here. There is a difference between liking children and being a caring adult, and grooming. If you aren’t sure, do some research. Most offenders are men, but most men are NOT offenders. In my line of work, I have seen men pushed out of elementary education and it’s awful because some of the best and most caring teachers of young children I have ever known have been men. 

    The second is about the offenders themselves and it’s kind of hard to talk about. Child molestation has a social stigma for obvious reasons, but as far as I know there is a spectrum. There are people who are knowingly attracted to children who desperately do NOT want to harm anyone and who try to combat those urges (and never harm a child), people who work to combat those urges and fail, and people who don’t care and harm children. Many people who find themselves attracted to children try to hide it and handle it on their own because they feel they would be hated if they admitted it to anyone. This is unfortunate because there is a real possibility of being able to severely decrease child sexual abuse if potential offenders felt safe identifying themselves and if there were programs in place to attempt to help. I know that’s not the question, but I feel it’s important that people are aware. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    9730 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Not allowing sleepovers won’t stop someone who has other access to your child from molesting them. 

    I say that as a general statement. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2088 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I think it depends on the kid. I started doing sleepovers when I was about 6, and I wasn’t nervous at all. I knew some friends who wouldn’t last at sleepovers. They would call home at 11 pm it midnight and ask to go home. My stepdaughters were allowed to go to sleepovers. We had to know the family/kids and it wasn’t until they were 7 or 8. 

    I think it is important to know the family, know your kid, and let your kid know that they can call you and come home if they feel at all uncomfortable. Unfortunately, you can’t protect your kids from all situations. I think sleepovers are healthy for kids who have the personality and like them. We did a lot of sleeping over at each other’s houses when I was a kid. It was always somebody that my family knew well, and I used to love it. 

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