Any positive stories about your life improving after a breakup?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I came home from work one day and looked up to see the familiar sight of my fiance chopping up a vegetable for dinner. The first sentence out of his mouth was “I don’t think we should be together anymore”. I was floored. We had planned our lives together. I really couldn’t think or see past that. Like you, I had given my all to making that relationship work and I thought it was going to give me everything I wanted. 

Breakup + time = realization that that relationship was taking everything I had, not giving me everything I wanted. I’m very thankful that we did not stay together. Even if he had never demanded out and we had had the kids and gotten the house, I would have been an empty shell. That’s no way to live a life, even if things on the surface appear to line up with what I thought I wanted. 

When I met my husband, I went through a really difficult time mentally due to some medical issues. My husband struggled right along with me. It was a hard time for us and we got through it together and came out the other side much stronger. If I had been with my ex, it would just have been a hard time for me. He would have checked out and been totally absentee while going about his own business and been annoyed at me for not being my usual self. I would have been even more drained and recovered much more slowly because my attention would have been on getting his attention and being upset that I was displeasing him. That would have been so so so unhealthy. 

There are lots of good guys left, but maybe a good chunk of them are not good at putting themselves out there. I recommend doing online dating and being open to people who may seem a bit “clunky”. When I met my husband, he had not dated in almost a decade. He had been doing his own thing and then woke up one day and felt lonely. His dating profile was awful. Like textbook awful. We talked online for a few hours and met the next day. He was really awkward and nervous but very sincere. People can learn quickly if the desire is there. I hope you find your good egg soon. Don’t lose hope and talk to a lot a lot of people. It will up your odds. Not everyone represents themselves well at first.

Post # 17
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

graces7 :  Oh yes! I spent nearly 7 years with my ex. I stayed way too long in a bad relationship because I was deluded into thinking he was the one (youth is blinding lol). I left that bad relationship with 2 kids and a broken career. I figured I ruined everything and would never recover. My dreams of marriage and a family were no longer. Who wants to play family with a single mom of 2??

But I did recover. I got a better job, bought a house and things got better!

After we broke up, my ex got married and had a baby. They bought a bigger house and pretended to be a perfect family (thats something he insists on, but I know the truth bc I saw him on Tinder trying to cheat on her, something he did to me for years)

I was still single for mostly another 6 years after our break up. I definitely gave up on marriage or having a “normal” family life.

Then at 33 1/2 years old I met my fiance. I had made peace with dying alone so imagine my suprise when suddenly this perfect (for me) man appears and we instantly fall in love.

I can see now why this relationship works and my others havent. We are just a great fit for eachother and have so much love and passion for eachother. We are getting married this summer and decided to TTC this fall. I NEVER saw myself getting married and i was DONE having kids… but the right guy showed up and suddenly I see it all so much differently.

So, if a single mom of 2 in her mid 30’s can fall in love, get married and have a family with an amazing man who loves her without fail…. you can trust that your story is not over yet! It can and will get better for you! <3

Post # 18
Member
479 posts
Helper bee

I was with a guy from 25-28 who had two small kids. About 6 months in I was paying for everything – rent, food, baby formula, diapers, bills. Everything. We had the kids every weekend. When we started dating they were 1 and a newborn. I went all out step mom role with them. It was the worst toxic relationship ever. I alientated myself from family and went into a giant mound of financial debt. On top of that I had 2 knee surgeries for broken cartilage.

I was on my way to pick him up (I worked a 2nd job and his car was going to repoed so he kept it at work) and he texted me to meet at the apartment and we needed to talk. His baby mama had another baby that was now 5 months old. She thought the father was the guy she was dating at the time.

I get home and all of his stuff was gone! He even had the balls to take a shower and shave his head and beard! I walked in and he let me know that the 3rd baby his baby mama had was actually HIS!

I had to declare bankruptcy I was in so much debt.

BUT….I learned how to survive on my own, how to be ok being single, I got my finances back in order and most importantly – I mended my relationship with my family and am now best friends with my brother and futuer sister in law.

Mentally I’m much better as well too! I’m in a new place, have a cat again and financially stable. While i’m single now, I”m OK with that. If you look at my posting history, I left a guy I was dating for 8 months last year. It was the first time I recognized the red flags and with the help of the bees realized I deserve better and ended it.

So yes, it does get better but it takes time. I’m 30 now and much happier 😉

Post # 19
Member
1923 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

graces7 :  yessss girl!  I was with my exH for 15 years, from when we were teenagers through about age 32.  It just wasn’t working anymore and even though I still loved him as a person and as my best friend, we split up.  I was pretty depressed because I’d wanted a family by then, and everyone around me had cute little kiddos.

But I enjoyed living by myself for a while and traveling, etc.  I met someone who was also recently divorced and had always wanted a family, and now 4 years after my divorce, we are married and have a sweet little baby boy.  I am SO MUCH HAPPIER than I ever was with my ex, although he’s a great guy.  But my husband is such am incredibly good daddy and husband, and while we still have some stressors in our life, we make a great team.

Don’t stress!  You’ll get there!  So many people are having kids later.  I have 5 new first-time mom friends with babies the same age, and we are all in our mid- to late-30s or older (one is 41).

Post # 22
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

It’s going to take time and finding someone that’s right will be a lot a trial and error but you wil be happy again!! 

My first husband left me for a 19 y.o. Waitress after 6 years of marriage when I was 9mknths pregnant with baby number 3 and in nursing school. I wished I was dead the pain was so bad.  

Inhad a rebound marriage about 2 years later.  We made that work for 6 years, had a baby and then decided we were a terrible couple and parted as friends. 

I dated and met my current fiancé online.  He’s amazing and a perfect fit for me and my 4 kids.  I’ve never been happier in my life. It’s a bumpy road but keep moving and you’ll find your way. 

Post # 23
Member
10196 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

graces7 :  

Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is just take a time out from the whole relationship thing. Especially when we need to disrupt a pattern that isn’t working very well.

Yeah, a lot of guys seem to enjoy picture painting at the beginning of a new romance.  I don’t know if it occurs to them that they could be expected to be held accountable some day.

Post # 24
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

graces7 :  When I was 31 my fiancé dumped me, out of the blue, in a text message.  Our wedding was planned and we were only a few months away. I had never been so emotionally gutted in my entire life. I had to leave my job and move out of state to be closer to my family and I wound up living in my parents house for 3 months while I figured out my next move. I was basically starting from scratch in multiple areas in my life and at 31, I felt so, so low. Add to that my twin sister is married with several kids, and so are my best friends. I couldn’t even imagine feeling happy again.

I took a few solid weeks to grieve, to sulk, to feel sorry for myself, to worry about the future.  Then I started getting my shit together and focused on moving, finding a new job, and I worked really hard on pushing my anxious thoughts away when they came. I dealt with the waves of grief when they came, but the “what will happen if I never get married?” type of thoughts I forced myself to push away. I also intentionally took some time away from dating because I knew I wasn’t ready to open heart to anyone right away.

A year and half after that breakup I met the man who I am now engaged to. My life is 1000% better than it was during my last engagement which is crazy because I thought I was so happy back then. And for a few months after that breakup I really did not believe I could ever be truly happy again, that I would always feel at least a little bit sad over that loss. Right now I could care less about my ex and I’m so happy about the way my life turned out. My current fiancé is a much, much better match for me.

I am so sorry for the way you are feeling because I remember those lost breakup blues so well. Please private message me if you’d like to chat some more. 

Post # 25
Member
360 posts
Helper bee

graces7 :  I’ll play!  At 29, almost 30, I broke up with my long term boyfriend.  We had been together forever (5 years like you), and everyone thought I’d end up married to the guy.  In retrospect, there were so many, MANY red flags in that relationship.  I should have gotten myself out 6 months in.  But no, like a dope, I stayed for 5 years.  I ended up leaving the relationship, because I was so unhappy.  At the time, I thought it was because he wouldn’t propose.  Honestly, there were so many other issues, and he made a game of torturing me.  The reality was that he was his number one priority in life, and my wants and needs would always come second.  Also, he had very serious anger management issues and was verbally abusive.  At the time, I couldn’t see it.  Truly. In the time following the break up, I was so, so sad, even if I knew the break up was for the best.  Also, I was unsure if I had missed my chance of having kids by breaking up with him.  I put off breaking up with him for so long out of love, and hope, and the sunk cost fallacy.  I really understand how you are feeling right now.  Its tough, I’m sorry!  Hugs!

Eventually, though, I met my husband.  He makes me so happy every day.  Like I’m just happy all the time.  He puts my needs and wants ahead of his own regularly, and makes me feel cherised and loved.  To be frank, my ex never, ever made me feel that way, even when we first started dating and everything should have been ‘perfect’.  We still have plenty of time for kids.  The reality is that if I hadn’t left my ex, I would never have met my hubby.  I would never be this happy.  I feel so grateful I met him everyday I (and greatful I had the strength to leave my ex.)

I’m sorry that you are feeling so bad.  It will get better and there is someone out there for you.  Just a bit of advice, try dating younger.  (I felt like many of the guys I met while single in their late 30s did have some baggage.)  My hubby is 6 years younger than me, and we have never had a single issues with the age difference.  I’d always dated men 5-10 years older than me before I met my hubs, so its just the reverse.  No harm in poaching some of the great younger guys.    

I had a close friend who had a similar issue with her boyfriend.  We used to commisserate all the time about our unhappiness with our relationships when I was with my ex.  She was worried she didn’t have time to start over, and stuck it out with her problematic relationship.  She ended up married to the guy, with a kid.  As expected, things got much, much worse.  Honestly, even if you don’t meet anyone, you are better off without your loser ex.  

Post # 26
Member
6158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

YES. My ex cheated and left while I was in law school. I was divorced at 23 and absolutely clueless living alone in a new city trying to get a degree and then  job. graces7 :  Things got sooooo much better. I’m my own person now. Married six years with a three year old son and fantastic job and new house. You can do it. Take a minute to mourn then pull yourself together. There are thousands of people in the world. You’ll find yours!

Post # 27
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

A year ago, exactly, my ex broke up with me for the 3rd time. I had weirdly, despite how crappy he had been to me, expected that we would get engaged and married and have children together.I had it all figured out and genuinely believed it was going to happen. But when he broke up with me the night before a job interview. I gave up and realised that I couldn’t do it anymore. I was emotionally drained and had lost sight of who I was and what I wanted.

The months after it were by far my worst, I quit my job and spiralled into depression. I saw a therapist for 6 months and whilst this was so majorly hard  I also decided to move back to a place I loved and go for a job that included a promotion. It was a crap time and in between ‘healing’ I still had really awful days like you are experiencing.

Dating has been odd. It’s been hard with certain guys and I’ve quickly fallen into old habits. Until 2 months ago when I matched with a guy online. Yes it’s only 2 months but I can’t describe how different it is to my previous relationship. It’s easy and full of love and affection and a guy who is open and honest and simply tells me ‘he really likes spending time with me’ I haven’t been anxious or overthought anything or felt presurred to be a certain way. 

I look on where I am today and I have another promotion coming up in September at a place I love working, I love where I live and I’ve met someone I genuinely feel good around and see myself in such a healthier, happier place. I honestly can’t believe how good I feel, how happy and excited I am for life. I’ve matured a lot and I can’t believe this has all happened in such short timing. I was prepared for a couple of years of being single and feeling miserable about it but I think working out what I want and how I want to live has definitely attracted someone who is after the same as me. 

You will absolutely get there but you need to be willing to move on and you must be willing to go through the bumps along the way. If it doesn’t work out with a guy, reflect on it – learn from it. What are you wanting and are you able to be that version of yourself before you look for someone else who offers it?

 

Post # 28
Member
470 posts
Helper bee

graces7 : 

I know I’ve said this on this site before and I know it may seem uncanny to be true, but every single one of my break ups (and I’ve had a lot) have been for the best and my life is better because I did not stay with that person.

They are awful at the time. The feelings are so awful and they hurt so much that you start to think you are being punished or used as amusement for the gods.

But really, truly, if you can see the lesson in them, both about yourself and about other people, break ups with the wrong people will refine you and prepare and propel you forward on your journey towards finding what you want.

I remember after a particularly painful break up, which happened a couple of weeks before my birthday, I had so much grief to process that I had withdrawn from all my friends and family and just wanted to be alone for a while, didn’t want to see them or talk to them. I could not imagine how this feeling, which hurt so much, could possibly be for anything good. On my birthday I was talking to my parents about the kind of man I wanted, and they both started to question me and express doubt, pretty much implying that I was asking for too much and that the man I wanted did not exist. For the first time, I was able to stand by what I wanted with complete confidence, regardless of what other people thought about it. I remember saying to my mom, “I’d rather be alone than be with someone who is not right for me,” and I meant it.

Three and a half months later I met my SO, who was everything I had ever wished for and much more. 

So my two cents here is, figure out what you want, and be bold. Believe that you deserve it and that it’s coming to you. You can’t control the timing of it, and it may not happen as soon as you expect. But take heart in the fact that it will happen.

Post # 29
Member
1062 posts
Bumble bee

My husband of 25 years decided he did not want to be a married man anymore, he wanted a free, bad boy, rock n roll lifestyle. 

I didn’t  argue, I let him have it. 

He told me he had only ever been ‘Good,’ because he knew he had to to be with me. 

In doing so, I left everything behind, because my ex is a volatile man, and I just wanted to move on peacefully. I didn’t date, and was not looking. Stars aligned and I met someone excellent. 

Now, I am engaged to a great man who is ,much more respectful and similarly-minded as me. 

I learned all the years of me grasping to keep  my marriage happy, I was forcing something my husband never felt. 

I am so much happier, stronger and I am grateful that it occurred, so I am finally valued. 

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