Any possible way to be tactful

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
1281 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think he needs a reason as long as he words it as where things *should* be sent (vs saying “don’t send them to my mom’s house).

Though if I were him I probably wouldn’t be tactful if people pressed for reasons. “Due to my mother’s current living situation it is unlikely we would end up receiving the gifts intended for us”

Post # 17
12298 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Typically, people bring gifts to a shower. Those that don’t attend are not obligated to send anything, so unless they specifically ask where to send a gift, I don’t see how it would be possible to say anything at all.

Likewise, the grandparents can inform people who specifically ask where to send gifts, but it would be inappropriate to tell people who aren’t even soliciting that information.

If they have a registry, items will be sent wherever they instruct. 

Post # 19
253 posts
Helper bee

I’m really sorry you have to deal with this. I think you’re being very gracious and your Fiance is a lucky guy. I had my apartment broken into when I was younger, and let’s just say I have ZERO tolerance for that kind of crap now. I’m the type to sit down with her, tell her that I love her and appreciate whatever she’s done for us (if anything), but if you take any of my stuff, you’re going to jail, lady. Now, let’s not have any reason to discuss this again, okay mum?

I don’t have any additional advice, but the suggestions you got are good. Be sure to have a forwarding address with the post office, and he can spread the word among family about “correspondence” (no need to specify “gifts”.)  You can say “mail has gone missing” from her mailbox without implying that she’s the theif. Anyone who doesn’t already know the situation probably won’t think much of it – my Future Brother-In-Law still has some of his mail sent to us still, because it was going missing from his old apartment (shared house.)

Post # 20
12298 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

La Profesora :  Then he could have told the uncle that he hasn’t received packages or cards sent to his mother’s address and ask him to spread the word.

In addition to mail forwarding, he can also send a simple change of address card or note. I agree that it should be about correspondence, not gifts.

Post # 21
497 posts
Helper bee

Have them send gifts to your house. Request that people bring gifts just to the shower and have them locked up safely.

Post # 22
1128 posts
Bumble bee

I would just add a small card with some distracting calligraphy and write “John Smith now lives at…” 

Id also absolutely make a registry as it will ensure that things are sent to you.

Honestly wedding gifts add up to be very expensive and losing that amount of money is not worth being 100% tactful.  It’s not fair to him and especially not to your daughter.

Post # 23
3470 posts
Sugar bee

I would just send an email to my family to update them with my address. Mail forwarding is not perfect, especially if they share a last name.

Post # 24
876 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

La Profesora :  Have him go to USPS website and fill out the change of address form for himself. That should get some things forwarded to wherever he is living ow as long as they are sent in his name.

As for shower gifts they should be sent to wherever the registry says

Post # 25
6300 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

For appearances’ sake, I think you should take a two-pronged approach. One the front side, any information from bride/groom (and their approved “camps”) should be delivered as a neutral “Please send all gifts here” or “For ease of tracking please send all gifts to x address” as Ballet Parker suggested.

Then, on the back end, he should honestly and clearly notify one or two of his family’s biggest gossips about what is going on and exactly why it’s important for people to make sure NOT to send anything to his mother’s house. That way he doesn’t have to call everyone but they’ll be in the know about what’s going on. The gossips will take care of it; it sounds like there’s some gossiping going on already. Might as well use it to help with this situation.

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