Post # 1
So, I’m 18 weeks pregnant today. I was adopted as a baby, always knew about it. Love my parents to death. No issues there. I have met my birth family, both sides (but not my birth mom, she passed away). I am the baby of my (adopted) family. All of my cousins have had children and the past ten years all I’ve heard is how much they look like my grandma, grandpa, mom, aunt, etc etc etc. And it’s true. They do. Deep down though, it really hurt to hear those things – and makes me think how it won’t be like that for me. I pushed the sadness aside at the time.
Fast forward to today. My (birth) grandmother posted a picture of me and her from my wedding. We look exactly alike. It’s actually upsetting to me. I was very very close to my (adopted) grandmother who passed years ago, and the fact that my child will have 0 chance of having a part of her, or look like her (or anyone else in my family), actually makes my heart hurt.
I’m afraid that my baby will be 100% my Darling Husband and his side of the family (he also has more genetically dominant traits than I do), and very little of me (and obviously 0 of my adopted family).
I am just sad and scared…and probably hormonal. 🙂 Just wondering if anyone else could relate.
Post # 3
I can’t relate but I just wanted to say I’m sorry you are hurting.
I do have 3 cousins that were adopted and recently their father died, so there were a lot of pictures of him around. Everyone couldn’t help but say how much one of his grandchildren (result of adopted daughter) looked like him. We all laughed because there is no blood but it’s amazing how much he does look like him in the way he holds himself and present himself. It’s funny how someones manerisms can really come off in how they look. I bet you look like you mom in some way because of that and in terms your grandmother. Your child will get these wonderful qualities of your family, blood related or not. Teach your child all of the wonderful things about your grandmother and share the fond memories. As you know it’s the love that makes a family.
Post # 4
@roxy821: <—- This! I couldn’t have said it better. HUGS!!!
Post # 5
Hey there. I’m not pregnant, but I am adopted, and I just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I have often wondered if I have biological children someday, who are they going to look like? Will I even be able to recognize myself in them? What if all I see are my husband’s characteristics? So, no, I don’t think it’s unusual at all for you to be having these thoughts (especially while pregnant and hormones are going crazy!).
My brother is also adopted, and he and his wife have biological children. The funny thing is, everyone kept saying how much his kids take after their grandpa (our dad)! It’s funny the way make those attributions, even when there’s no possible biological link. 🙂
I really feel you on the whole sadness about your children not looking like anyone else in the family. But you know what? Deep down, all that stuff isn’t going to matter – your children going to be a part of this family, no matter what they look like. And your relatives will tell you what wonderful, beautiful children you have, no matter what they look like. Just like I’m sure they did with you when you were a kid. Also, I hope that doesn’t come across as dismissive, becuase I very, very much understand that pain of feeling like you did wish you looked like everyone else in the family instead of looking different. And of not wanting that for your children. But I think that if you keep focusing on that, it’s just going to drive you crazy and make you feel worse. I know it’s got to be hard, but try to focus on how happy your family is going to be to meet your child, how much love they are going to share, all of that.
Many hugs to you. 🙂
Post # 6
I’m adopted too. I’m 11.5 weeks pregnant. I’ve never met my biological family. Darling Husband and I are using family names for our kids and it does pain me that they won’t look like my grandma Johanna, or be blood related to her. My dh is arabic so our kids will look way more like him than me, but that I am okay with. I think it’s better than some random I don’t know. You never know though, growing up everyone always said that I looked so much like my mom. It’ll be okay! I have other fears about pregnancy/kids because I’m adopted.
Post # 7
I’m adopted & just had my first baby….but I grew up the only short, chubby blonde in a family full of tall brunettes (other than my mom, but eh). I also had a half-sister adopted into the same family and she’s a tall brunette too – the only physical characteristic we share are blue eyes & glasses (which she wears contacts 24/7 and – you guessed it – I wear glasses 24/7).
I can honestly say I never thought about who he’d look like in our extended families, just who he’d look more like between Darling Husband & I. *shrug* sorry I couldn’t be more help.
Post # 8
@OP, I hope you don’t mind me butting in here, since I’m not adopted, but I wanted to tell you two things.
I don’t know my real father, so, when I told my Stepdad (who is my Dad, as far as I’m considered), that I was pregnant, he said dreamily “I wonder if the baby will look like me…” He was totally serious. My point there, is that it’s not blood that makes a family, so even though your baby will not look like the Grandmother you lost, or your parents, that won’t make that baby any less their family. There’s not 0 chance that your baby won’t have a part of your Grandmother. You will tell your baby, share all of the memories, and that baby will be every bit related to your Grandmother.
As far as the genetic dominance of your Darling Husband, that I DO understand. I don’t see myself ANYWHERE in my daughter, and neither does anyone else. It started about 5 minutes after she was born, when the nurse said “Well, there’s no doubt who the father is!” (Side note, in my just-given-birth state, I totally took that like she was calling me a tramp) It has continued from there.
It used to really bother me. Like an 8 or 9 on a scale of 10, when people would say how much Lexi looked like Darling Husband. But that fades. She got older, she looks for me in a room, and she squeals when I see her in the morning. Your baby may look more like your husband, but there won’t be any doubt it’s yours.
Post # 9
Im not adopted, but my mum was. She doesnt know her biological family. There are plenty of manarisms that are passed on, and its not blood that makes a family.
honestly to those who dont look like their families, i am the only pale blonde on in our family. my brother and sister mum and dad have brown hair brown eyes. as i said im not adopted, but i dont look like any of them. i got the non dominate gene from my grandfather. im a big believer in nurture not nature! and you dont have to look alike to fit in to your family.. 🙂
Post # 10
I’d like to say that the PPs are right on. My brother was adopted. We’re not even the same race! I’m caucasian (read: day-glo pale skin, blonde hair, green eyes), and my brother is hispanic (dark tan, black hair, brown eyes). When I moved to Japan to teach English and showed everyone pictures of my family, everyone said over and over and over again that they could tell my brother was my brother because we look like each other. They didn’t even meet him! All they saw was a photo, and they said there was incredible family resemblance. When my parents came to visit, too, they told my dad that he looked just like the pictures they had seen of my brother. Family resemblance is so much more than genetic.
Post # 11
I’m not adopted but I have two cousins who are and my father-in-law was. So I can understand where you feel like your child won’t have any traits of your adpoted family. But I will say this. My boy cousin who is adopted resembles his granddad and some cousins on the maternal side. My father-in-law the older he has gotten resembles his adpoted Dad.
I hope that you will find that your child will resemble someone in your family. You just never know who will or won’t look like each other.
Post # 12
@morkiemama: Congratulations on your pregnancy! You must be very excited 🙂
I, too, am adopted although I have never met any of my biological family members. I have known my whole life that I was adopted but I really didn’t have any desire or curiosity to go looking. I have to admit that part of the reason was because I didn’t want to hurt my adoptive parents, in particular my mother.
I have two children, a son who is 22 and a daughter, 20. They are a wonderful blend of my ex-husband and me, and look nothing like anyone else in my family. They do have physical traits that can be seen in my in-laws but most people say that they look lime me and their dad.
I’m sorry that your child won’t have the joy of knowing the grandmother that you obviously love and miss, but just because they won’t see her in person doesn’t mean that her impact in your life will be diminished. People become who they are because of the way they were raised far more than just the make-up of their DNA. Your child will be be loved, cherished, and accepted as a part of your family simply because they exist. Don’t worry about what you can’t change; just enjoy this incredible journey that you’re on and look forward to bringing your very lucky child into your world.
Post # 13
Thank you everyone for your responses! They really made me feel better!
I think it’s really a combination of feeling hormonal, missing my grandma, and wondering/anxiety about the baby. As I’m approaching our gender/anatomy scan, I am feeling more and more anxious, but you all reminded me what’s important! Thank you!
@roxy821: It’s true, you’re right. People never believe that I’m adopted because I act like my mom – we definitely have the same exact mannerisms! Thank you!
@FluffyFTW: All those questions you posed are the exact ones I’m always wondering. My Darling Husband is italian/spanish and I feel like his traits are going to take over, lol. I just want that little part of me, you know?
@Peony007: I had a really special relationship with my grandmother, and I think now that she’s gone, it pains me that my child will never meet her, or have the chance to learn from her, or even be blood related to her. The fears never stop, lol. I think being adopted just adds to the mix.
@Quietserenity: That’s funny your stepdad said that…my mom said the same thing!!!
Post # 14
First off congrats!
Secondly, I know that what you’re feeling is entirely legitimate. Coming from a family where my siblings were adopted I still >hate< the fact that some people can be insensitive regarding who looks like who. In the end, it doesn’t matter. And who knows? Your precious child may be more like your beloved non-biological family members in other, more important ways. Their sense of humor, their way of saying things, their kindness towards others. All those factors are more precious than having the same eye/hair color. 🙂 SO thankful that a family is made of love and good traits like love and kindness can be passed down regardless of one’s biological origin!
Post # 15
not pregers but no this thought has never been an issue for me. My adopted Family will be the family to the baby. my birth family is hardly in the picture at all.
I think you are kinda way over thinking it all=]
Post # 16
also being adopted everyone always told me how much I look like my dad- even though there is no blood there at all so its kinda funny and you could have the same thign !