Any scenario where I win?

posted 1 month ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

No, there is no scenario that makes this relationship a win, at least if a happy marriage is your goal. He’s strung you along (and why not? You ignored your walk date) and now he’s just being emotionally manipulative.

Don’t marry someone beause they WILL marry you. Marry them because they WANT to marry you.

Post # 3
Member
6016 posts
Bee Keeper

The man you choose to spend the rest of your life with is the man who can’t wait to call you his wife.

Post # 4
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

Sounds tough. If he didn’t propose by your walk date (assuming he knew about it), I don’t see why he’d do anything on his own “decision date” of July 1st.

It does sound like this guy’s previous divorce has turned him off the whole idea. But that has nothing to do with you, and he should know that. He needs to believe that as a married couple, you will both put in the work to ensure the past doesn’t repeat itself.

Are you guys thinking a big reception, or a civil ceremony at the courthouse? If you want the former, maybe see if he’d be more agreeable with the latter.

Post # 5
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Nope!!!! You had a walk date and you didn’t walk. So he is going to tell you anything because he knows you are not going anywhere. He dosen’t want to marry you, I am sorry. Marriage is not his thing. He should have never told you he was fine getting married in the first place and now he is just stringing you along. He said you and him getting married isn’t what he want’s but he will do it if it means losing you….What does that tell you. He is happy playing house with you as his girlfriend just not his wife. What’s going to happen when July 1st comes around? And he only needs to tell you what he “wants”…What the hell is the difference from now until July 1st…come on.

Post # 8
Member
6016 posts
Bee Keeper

happybee45 :  What is the purpose of a longer engagement? 

Are your lives otherwise entwined–shared finances, own a home together, wills, health insurance, etc.? Any security? 

Are you in love with what you have, or in love with what you hope it can be someday? Is marriage a deal-breaker for you? Would he go to counseling with you to address what’s holding him back and why he is holding you accountable for his ex-wife’s actions? Would you be open to a prenup?

Post # 9
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

happybee45 :  I don’t think you can be happy. I think if he does make up his mind on July 1st (which I think is a bunch of bullshit) and says “yes let’s get married” he is going to prolong your engagment forever. Your never going to get married. He will only tell you that to make you happy at the time and so you will get off his back. So while he is mind fucking you with this you will start to resent him. I don’t mean to sound harsh I just hate seeing women go through stuff like this. I know you love him and I know you have to beautiful kids together. But when someone really loves someone like you love him (and had his babies) he should WANT to marry you. In your post from 5 months ago he told you he isn’t sure you wants to marrry YOU….I would have left him then. You deserve better than that.

Post # 10
Member
6016 posts
Bee Keeper

keviah12 :  I just glanced at the post history and saw that as well!

OP–there is a big difference between not believing in marriage and not being certain you are “the one” and wanting to keep his options open. Why would you want to stay with someone who is still looking for someone better? That’s not the kind of relationship you want your daughters to grow up with. 

Post # 11
Member
4116 posts
Honey bee

Well, since you’ve already termed this in terms of “winning” meaning there must be a winner and by default a loser…then no.  Your life isn’t a game.  It isn’t a competition.  You’re using terms like winning instead of worrying about building a life with a partner who wants the same things as you and shares common goals. So, I say no, there is no scenario here where you “win”.  You turned your life into an unwinnable game.

I’ll also give you a sneak peak into the future:

July 2nd – He’s still anti-marriage or anti-you or anti-decicisiveness and you’ll stay exactly where you are and write another post lamenting your girlfriend status and wondering what you should do.  You’ve already renegged on one walk date and fully admitted that you think you should be married because of the children even though you’re with a man who told you he isn’t sure he wants to marry you, which means you’re not willing to look elsewhere.  So if we figured out you aren’t leaving, I promise you he did, too.  Lather, rinse, repeat for every deadline or “walk date” (in quotes because it’s only a walk date if you walk) from here on out.

And if, BIG IF, he decides he’s just willing to “lose” as he puts it so you “win”, you’re still a loser.  Because any “game” where there person who is supposed to be your life partner you work together with and share your common life goals with is actually playing AGAINST you instead of WITH you so that he considers himself the loser in this deal…makes you a loser.

 

Post # 15
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sure what the real issue is: he doesn’t want to marry you.

But keep pounding that square peg to fit the round hole. See you in August.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors