Any scenario where I win?

posted 6 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

sunburn :  You mean July 2nd  surprised

Post # 17
Member
4559 posts
Honey bee

happybee45 :  Except he’s already said he “loses” when he proposes to you.  He’s deciding if he is willing to lose.  So there are zero scenarios right now where “winning = happiness” because your winning comes at his expense and requires him to lose.  He said so himself.  And his version of winning means not getting married and it comes at your expense of never getting married and your version of happiness.

All you have is lose-lose.

Post # 20
Member
4169 posts
Honey bee

happybee45 :  I think that you’ve answered your own question.  His inaction has already made you question the relationship and yourself. Thus, it’s already doing harm. The only thing you can do is walk away and stop playing pretend wife. Find someone who builds you up, not someone who tears you down. 

Post # 21
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee

“The purpose of a longer engagement is to make him comfortable with the idea of marrying me”

Oh great, so once he bestows upon you the great honor of becoming his fiance, he will need an indefinite amount of time for you to wear him down so he get wrap his head around being stuck with you in marriage.

What the hell is so great about this guy that you will allow him to treat you this way? Why do YOU want to marry HIM?

First, he admitted he wasn’t sure if you are the one for him (hurtful but surprisingly he was honest). Then he said he doesn’t want to get married again. Fair enough. You probably should have left at that point.

Then, he lied to you about proposing at Christmas. He got your hopes up, told you he had a ring, and then even told you that he couldn’t bring himself to give it to you! IDK how you can stand to look at him after that.

Apparently, according to him, you must be some horrendous person to live with and raise children with that you couldn’t pay him to marry you (even though financially you said it would benefit him- your words) but- wait- you can’t be that horrible if he’s fine with living with you and having children with you and you’re happy in everyday life. 

OP, there is no winning here. You already knew that. 

In the off chance he caves in and proposes, you don’t have to say yes. You know he wouldn’t be proposing because he actually wanted to. You say NO and you refuse to settle for scraps from a man who DOES NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED AGAIN.

Honestly, bee, besides the Christas incident, he hasn’t strung you along like we see so much on here. He told you he doesn’t want to marry you. That is enough to warrant walking away. If you force him into proposing, you will be stuck in a never-ending engagement where you never actually get married (shut up ring). OR you get married after a dragged out engagement and he throws it in your face every argument that he never wanted to marry you. Be prepared for that. Either way, it’s a lost cause. 

You cannot forcefully bend him to your will. Well you can but if you try, he will just snap back. And it will be painful. 

Just walk away

Post # 22
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

happybee45 :  Hi there,

 

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing the frustration of wanting to get engaged and not having a partner who understands your needs behind the importance of marriage. How long has he been divorced? We’re you two together while the divorce proceedings were occuring? This is something that’s important because when a man hasn’t fully processed a divorce, it can be hard on him especially with moving forward. I addressed in another post how sometimes men need to understand the practical reasons for marriage rather than the emotional. Perhaps these are things you could discuss with him? The children’s well being and securing a future for all of you could be at the top of the list in your discussion.

 

How does he feel about marrying you, in particular? That’s something which could be discussed too. Not all men understand that not all marriages start and end the same way. Men understand women through our actions, not what we say. And if we don’t make marriage a priority physically through our actions, it can be misunderstood if it’s something we say we desire and aren’t showing it. 

Post # 23
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee

Been there and had to walk. People who are already thinking like this won’t change.  They should really not be in long term relationships until they work through their own issues.  He is holding you back from meeting your husband.  I didn’t even negotiate. Just said this was what I wanted and he said he wanted to be together but not get married. You don’t want to corner someone into marrying you.  They will resent you for it and make the wedding planning a nightmare and who wants that!  As soon as I left, he married the next lady he met within one year.   It is such a predictable story!

Post # 24
Member
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

You will become that topper of the bride dragging the groom across the cake by his collar. That’s not how a marriage should take place. 

Marrying you is a “sacrifice” he MIGHT be willing to make for the sake of keeping the family together, but he doesn’t want to marry you. He’s flat out said it and has made it crystal clear. He feels that marriage is a thing you are forcing on him, and you’ll never not be aware that that is the state of your marriage. You shouldn’t have to threaten someone into marriage. 

Post # 25
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

happybee45 :  No. You lost when you didnt walk on your walk date. And now its literally you making him propose bc he clearlyt doesnt want to and wouldnt if there was no pressure to. 

 

 

Post # 26
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

If you wait, and he does propose, you will resent him. Believe me. Bc you know he didnt want to and you had to cry about it and give ultimatums for it to happen. 

 

 

Post # 28
Member
3783 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

OP, I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I was in a similar position when trying to convince my boyfriend of 3 years to get married. It took a year of him “thinking about it” to decide that I was good enough to marry & that he was ready. At that point, we’d been dating 4 years and building a life together for 3.5 years. Nothing changed once we were engaged; he wasn’t excited, I had to give him a 2 month “buffer” to get used to the idea of wedding planning. I did all the planning myself and he reluctantly helped when I needed him to. But I enjoyed crafting and planning and this wasn’t his “thing”, so I didn’t think much of it. 

The reality is that he really didn’t want to get married, but he didn’t want me to leave either. So he decided to give me what I wanted because “I was a nice girl and deserved to be happy” (what he told me when I asked why he even married me in the first place during our divorce). It’s impossible to be happy and excited for a wedding & a marriage that your partner isn’t excited about. I walked on eggshells through the whole year leading up to the wedding, making sure he was well rested & in a good mood before I brought up anything wedding related. It was complete bullsh*t. 

I’m now planning a wedding with a guy who is excited to be my husband… I cannot even explain how amazing that feels and how incredible it is to plan a wedding with someone who actually wants it. Find a man who makes you feel worthy, and can’t wait to give you the life you want. 

If someone wants to be married to you, they will show you. If they don’t want to be, they will show you. You just have to pay attention. This guy has straight up told you… Why do you think you deserve a guy who you have to convince of your worthiness?

Post # 29
Member
2074 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think it’s telling that you are more worried about him actually proposing to you than him deciding not to. You have set up a power dynamic in the relationship in which you love and care for him more and therefore have to continually prove your worth lest he decide you are not worth it. I’ve been there. It’s exhausting. I’m not saying it’s easy to leave a man you love who is the father of your children. But consider how difficult it will be to live with a man who believes you are optional, whether married or not.

Post # 30
Member
10845 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

happybee45 :  

When you begin to define the issue in terms of how do I win? you’re done.

Wanting to win, by definition, means your partner has to lose.  The relationship has turned adversarial.  The spirit of good will is gone. There is no negotiating in good faith happening here; it’s push—pull.

Whatever the ultimate outcome as to marriage, one of you will be unhappy.  That is exactly how resentments get stockpiled over a lifetime.

Remaining in perpetual limbo gives him the “win”.  No decision is a decision, Bee.  He is deciding every day not to marry you.

A bad divorce is a bs excuse not to marry you. Millions of adults have survived horrific divorces.  They grieve, they rage; they eventually try again.

Stop listening to the words.  It’s a bunch of nonsense.  Only what he does counts.

 

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