Post # 31
happybee45 : “The purpose of a longer engagement is to make him comfortable with the idea of marrying me”
First of all, I think this is one of the saddest things I’ve read on here in a long while. Bee, come on. Don’t you think more of yourself then this? Where is your sense of self worth?
“I think I’m more unsure of what to do if he DOES propose. Do I really want to marry someone I’ve had to persuade and plead to marry me?”
I really don’t think you’ll have to worry about this because on the very slim chance that he does propose (I really don’t think he will), I don’t think you will actually get him to set a wedding date and walk down the aisle.
This guy sucks.
Post # 32
If you DO get a ring you can be sure it is a”Shut Up”ring.
Post # 33
I think you have to stop thinking of the person you are in this relationship, and be who you want to be. Do you want to be the woman who stays with a man who says he isn’t sure about her? Do you want to be the woman who has children with a man who says he doesn’t want to marry her? Do you want to be the mother who teaches her children that this is an acceptable way to live? Do you want to be the woman your family and friends feel sorry for? Do you want to be the woman writing to strangers on the internet for advice?
Or…do you want to be the woman who kicks ass? The woman who pulls herself up, says “I deserve more”, and leaves a man who doesn’t value her. The woman who shows her children that they don’t have to settle for maybes, that they can make the hard decisions to have a better life. The woman who impresses her family and friends with her strength and her confidence. THAT woman is someone who will meet another man down the line who will be over the moon and have so much respect for her, that he can’t wait to marry her.
I am 38 and just getting married this year. The man I was dating before wouldn’t even call me his girlfriend, and I felt like I had to somehow ‘prove myself’. My fiance is a wonderful man who tells everyone how much he loves me, how wonderful I am, and how lucky he is to marry me. He’s super excited for our wedding. You deserve the same. Don’t get caught up in your age, having kids, etc. Women get married every day to wonderful men. But that won’t be you so long as you allow yourself to be treated this way. Be who you want to be.
Post # 34
He will be relieved and happy if you say no.
Post # 35
This is so sad.
Bee, stop thinking about trying to get this guy to marry you. Think about yourself. Why do you want to marry someone who has said over and over again that he doesn’t want to marry you? Why doesn’t your desire to marry someone REQUIRE that they enthusiastically feel the same?
You can’t win here.
Post # 36
He knows he’s made this hard on you.
He was originally agreeable to marriage because he didn’t want you to leave him if he said he wasn’t (and this was after his divorce allegedly soured him, wasn’t it Bee? when he was still keeping up the pretense of wanting to get married in the future?). So that bought him some time. And you believed him, trusted in him. So much so that you moved in with him, had children with him, believing marriage was all part of this package. And then his tune changed again- he not only wasn’t sure about marriage, he wasn’t sure about you. You were understandably hurt and set a walk date. So he changed his tune again and said he was sure of you but unsure of marriage. So you wouldn’t walk. Now he guesses if he has to he’ll marry you, he just has to think about it until July, but then if it does happen, he’ll need a long engagement to get himself used to the idea. I agree with llevinso : , this is one of the saddest things I’ve read on here in awhile. He’s offering you mere crumbs here Bee. Crumbs.
And like I said, he knows he’s made things harder for you. It’s harder for you to walk away when you have two children to think about, when you share a home with this man. And he’s taken full advantage of this situation by feeling he can offer you these crumbs and you’ll be in a position where you’ll have to settle for the very little he’s offering.
Only you can decide whether to stay or go but I just want to say that I don’t think you’ll find any joy in a man who truly couldn’t be more unenthusiastic about marrying you, you’re still clutching at straws hoping this can somehow have a happy ending but I think deep down you already know the truth. And I’d also like to say that staying together for the sake of the children doesn’t make for a happy homelife for anyone involved. I’m sorry Bee, but it is what it is.
Post # 37
Thank you for all your responses. I’ve been stewing on them and reflecting on why I’ve allowed myself to be in this position and how to get myself out of it. I’m as quiet as possible on the marriage front. I’m sure my boyfriend feels relieved and thinks I’ve “given up”. On the contrary, I’m sitting back and analyzing every last detail of our relationship and coming to the conclusion that I no longer feel good about myself or the viability of this relationship. Waiting for a year and him turning a convenient blind eye to my pain is incredibly off putting. It’s killed a lot of the love, hopes and dreams I’ve had for us and has left me sad and resentful. I’m getting to a point though where I realize that I don’t want to be with someone who equates a marriage to me with “losing” or “unhappiness”. The right man will be delighted.
In light of having two young children, I need to be strategic in my exit. It will take time but my gut tells me I must leave, there is no future here. I’m sad but also relieved to throw in the towel on a hopeless scenario. It is exhausting to try to get someone to love and want you and I’m done.
Im still curious if he’ll even address his July 1 deadline. My guess is that you ladies are right. Not only will he not propose but he won’t even address it. But that will be a good jarring reminder that he is not the type of man that I would want as a husband.
Thanks for the words of wisdom…. it’s not great to hear but I need to hear it.
Post # 38
I’m sorry bee. I know it must be incredibly hurtful. I think you are realizing that the only way you can win is by losing this guy.
Be strong for your two children and just remember that while it will suck for awhile, you will be doing right by yourself and your kids by refusing to settle for less than you deserve.
You will find a man that will feel like he not only won but hit the jackpot by being with you. Hold out for that and you will find it one day, bee <3
Post # 39
Yes I’ve realized that I won’t ever feel good or secure about how this pre engagement period unfolded. I have to choose to either accept this miserable feeling of rejection and inadequesy or walk away and find relief. I need the relief more than I need the proposal.
Post # 40
happybee45 : so sorry to read this Bee, but you have a good head on your shoulders and make a really hard (but smart) choice. Be strong, be proud, execute your plan and stand tall & releived with this emotional burden lifted from your shoulders.
Post # 41
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Are you living with him? Move out, walk away, and let him chase you if he wants you. Date other people, love isnt enough to have happiness since it cant control the other person. You shouldnt marry someone expecting them to change. What you see is what you get.
Post # 42
Just a quick update on me. I’ve taken the very scary big step of reaching out to a highly recommended lawyer to book a consultation to get a better picture of what a split will look like. Still can’t believe it has come to this 😔
Post # 43
Congrats on taking the first step!
Post # 44
happybee45 : I know this is hard, Bee, but you deserve to be with a man who wants to marry you. Staying in a relationship that isn’t helping you grow is a disservice to both you and your children, and I think you’ll be much better for it. Let us know how the consult goes!
Post # 45
happybee45 : Good for you for taking the first step. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time.