Any scenario where I win?

posted 5 months ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

happybee45 :  I think you are absolutely correct, unfortunately. It isn’t love. He doesn’t love you. He is comfortable with you, he enjoys having you around, but he doesn’t love you – at least not in that exciting way anymore, and I think he may be too immature to realize that loving someone doesn’t mean constant butterflies. 

I have been where you are, trying to constantly earn love, and I know how exhausting it can be. In the end, we broke up. It was really hard, but when I was away from it all I realized exactly how messed up that relationship was. Now I’m in a relationship where I don’t have to DO anything – being myself is enough. You deserve the same. Your kids deserve to see and learn from that kind of relationship rather than one that makes their mother miserable. 

Post # 63
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

Take back YOUR POWER and decide what you want. Talk means nothing. Only actions matter at this point. I would go see a counselor on your own to sort this out. Questions to ask yourself. 1. Can I be happy just living together instead of married? Based on what you wrote, I don’t think so. 2. Can you realistically separate from him and be a single parent? Your kids are young.  IF this is a deal breaker for you, then you need to make an alternative plan for yourself and your kids. Marriage can be challenging even when you are FULLY COMMITTED. He is ambivalent. You may need to separate. Sometimes when a woman walks, a man realizes that he can’t have his cake and eat it too. He either fully commits or it ends. Most couples cannot make it in this limbo type of situation. 

Post # 65
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee

happybee45 :  bee, this is a shut up ring and you know it. This is really sad. He’s only now “on board” because he sees that you were mentally checking out and he picked up on the fact that you were actually following through with leaving.

He is only marrying you so you don’t leave him. If a shut up ring is enough for you, then thats really sad but I guess thats what you’re going to settle for. I wish you all the best

Post # 66
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

happybee45 :  Thanks for updating. I don’t think it’s a shut up ring if you announce a wedding date at the same time! And let go of how it’s supposed to be, he obviously loves you and doesn’t want to lose you but was haunted by ex marriage. It’s great he’s on board now, TRY to see the positive, it doesn’t have to be a certain way to still be perfect! All the best x

Post # 67
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

It’s a shut up ring and a belief that it is anything else is insanely naive. I wish you the best, but this just reeks of manipulation and pity.

Post # 68
Member
19 posts
Newbee

Well he still proposed and organised you two rings… I wouldn’t advise leaving a man that’s financially stable and emotionally ready for marriage just so you can start again. Rocky start but you need to iron these problems out before you get married. Good luck bee. 

Post # 70
Member
6814 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

happybee45 :  Yay…?

This is honestly just really depressing. 

Post # 71
Hostess
3891 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Oh, Bee. I wish you the best. I hope this all works out positively for you. 

Post # 72
Member
2708 posts
Sugar bee

This is not a win at all. He’s giving it to you to stop the arguments. Even if he does go through with the marriage, you’re going to be miserable in the long run. Exactly how is that good for your kids?

Post # 73
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

happybee45 :  When it gets to the point that you’re feeling miserable and unworthy and not quite good enough (your own words) there has been damage done both to you and to your relationship, it’s not going to be easy to get past this and feel good about the relationship again but I wish you good luck.

You say he’s now acting like the way you wanted him to act a year ago, hopefully this is a good sign but he needs to know that, even if he’s honestly trying now and is committed to you, this has hurt you so deeply that there isn’t going to be a ‘quick fix’, not even with a ring or a proposal. He has to actively own what this has done to you, he can’t just act like the hero that finally produced the ring and assume you’re fine now. I get that you’re pregnant, that you already have two children, that you love this man, and so you want to try when it appears that he’s finally trying too, but I think the two of you have a lot of relationship damage to deal with if you’re to heal and get past this. 

Post # 74
Member
6657 posts
Bee Keeper

happybee45 :  It seems he wants to have a life with you more than he does not want marriage and is willing to give in. You are both giving up something to have a future and family together. Because I imagine there is or will be some resentment on both sides I do think couples counseling will be important for you to move forward together happily. 

I wish you the best and hope you will continue to update–sharing can help you and others. 

 

Post # 75
Member
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

neverbeenstungbee :  

I agree with everything you said, with the exception of him *picking up* on anything.  I think the house finally fell on this plank and he scrambled.

If I am ultimately proven wrong, I will happily own it.

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