Post # 61
Yes it is the constant dangling that is breaking me. Like I’m almost there, almost good enough but can’t quite make the grade. He’s told me in the past that marriage is something we can work towards and maybe he’ll change his mind one day (though he doesn’t know if or when). His ex wife also had to suggest it was time for them to get engaged but she wasn’t as forceful as I am apparently so he Felt it was appropriate to give in to her.
I am so $&@@$& exhausted from trying to “earn” and “deserve” this ring. This can’t be love because it is absolutely miserable. crustyoldbee :
Post # 62
happybee45 : I think you are absolutely correct, unfortunately. It isn’t love. He doesn’t love you. He is comfortable with you, he enjoys having you around, but he doesn’t love you – at least not in that exciting way anymore, and I think he may be too immature to realize that loving someone doesn’t mean constant butterflies.
I have been where you are, trying to constantly earn love, and I know how exhausting it can be. In the end, we broke up. It was really hard, but when I was away from it all I realized exactly how messed up that relationship was. Now I’m in a relationship where I don’t have to DO anything – being myself is enough. You deserve the same. Your kids deserve to see and learn from that kind of relationship rather than one that makes their mother miserable.
Post # 63
Take back YOUR POWER and decide what you want. Talk means nothing. Only actions matter at this point. I would go see a counselor on your own to sort this out. Questions to ask yourself. 1. Can I be happy just living together instead of married? Based on what you wrote, I don’t think so. 2. Can you realistically separate from him and be a single parent? Your kids are young. IF this is a deal breaker for you, then you need to make an alternative plan for yourself and your kids. Marriage can be challenging even when you are FULLY COMMITTED. He is ambivalent. You may need to separate. Sometimes when a woman walks, a man realizes that he can’t have his cake and eat it too. He either fully commits or it ends. Most couples cannot make it in this limbo type of situation.
Post # 64
A couple of weeks have passed since I posted. When I was posting then, we were in the middle of having intense discussions every night over the marriage issue. I pretty much gave up on this guy and started planning my departure. I had reached out to a lawyer, applied for a line of credit (I’m currently on mat leave) just in case I needed extra miney for legal fees and buying a house and I started looking for a house. He doesn’t know all of this but I guess he could see that I was at my wit’s end. He kept trying to give me the ring mid argument over marriage and I told him that ring is forever tarnished for me and I won’t ever wear it. He then suggested getting a new ring, one designed to my specifications and said that if marriage is so important to me, then he’s willing to do it. The ring is being custom made and should arrive in August (side note: it is so beautiful!). I don’t really consider us engaged until the ring arrives. But he is now suddenly onboard. He suggested getting married at Christmas and is researching venues. He’s essentially become the groom I wanted a year ago. As for me, I alternate between happiness and joy and skepticism and mistrust of him. It feels too good to be true. I think we need to work on the damage that 1+ years of waiting has caused and try to heal ourselves and our relationship.
So is there any situation where I “win”? The answer is both yes and no. Ive won with a gorgeous ring, a now on-board partner and I’ll get my wedding and marriage and my kids will be better for it. Ive lost because there is no romantic surprise proposal or a guy who is so crazy in love that he wanted to spend forever with me. Hopefully this is enough. I want it to be enough.
Post # 65
happybee45 : bee, this is a shut up ring and you know it. This is really sad. He’s only now “on board” because he sees that you were mentally checking out and he picked up on the fact that you were actually following through with leaving.
He is only marrying you so you don’t leave him. If a shut up ring is enough for you, then thats really sad but I guess thats what you’re going to settle for. I wish you all the best
Post # 66
happybee45 : Thanks for updating. I don’t think it’s a shut up ring if you announce a wedding date at the same time! And let go of how it’s supposed to be, he obviously loves you and doesn’t want to lose you but was haunted by ex marriage. It’s great he’s on board now, TRY to see the positive, it doesn’t have to be a certain way to still be perfect! All the best x
Post # 67
It’s a shut up ring and a belief that it is anything else is insanely naive. I wish you the best, but this just reeks of manipulation and pity.
Post # 68
Well he still proposed and organised you two rings… I wouldn’t advise leaving a man that’s financially stable and emotionally ready for marriage just so you can start again. Rocky start but you need to iron these problems out before you get married. Good luck bee.
Post # 69
I think that all of you are right. The reality is:
-marriage isn’t important to him
-he isn’t the romantic type.
He’s a super practical guy. He proposed to his ex after she brought it up a couple years into dating. I think he saw an upside for him by submitting to that request (she’s super religious so she wouldn’t live with him until then and who knows what else she wouldn’t do in the absence of marriage) whereas I have given him everything prior to marriage so there is no motivation for him to marry me. Only by me leaving which I think he figured out I would, was he motivated to change his stance. He’s going along with it and acting positive about it. Do I think he’s suddenly eager to marry me? Nope. But I think he does love me enough to do this for me because he realizes it’s what I need in order to be happy with him. I think this is the best outcome for me given that we share kids together and have a good relationship outside of this massive issue.
Post # 70
happybee45 : Yay…?
This is honestly just really depressing.
Post # 71
Oh, Bee. I wish you the best. I hope this all works out positively for you.
Post # 72
This is not a win at all. He’s giving it to you to stop the arguments. Even if he does go through with the marriage, you’re going to be miserable in the long run. Exactly how is that good for your kids?
Post # 73
happybee45 : When it gets to the point that you’re feeling miserable and unworthy and not quite good enough (your own words) there has been damage done both to you and to your relationship, it’s not going to be easy to get past this and feel good about the relationship again but I wish you good luck.
You say he’s now acting like the way you wanted him to act a year ago, hopefully this is a good sign but he needs to know that, even if he’s honestly trying now and is committed to you, this has hurt you so deeply that there isn’t going to be a ‘quick fix’, not even with a ring or a proposal. He has to actively own what this has done to you, he can’t just act like the hero that finally produced the ring and assume you’re fine now. I get that you’re pregnant, that you already have two children, that you love this man, and so you want to try when it appears that he’s finally trying too, but I think the two of you have a lot of relationship damage to deal with if you’re to heal and get past this.
Post # 74
happybee45 : It seems he wants to have a life with you more than he does not want marriage and is willing to give in. You are both giving up something to have a future and family together. Because I imagine there is or will be some resentment on both sides I do think couples counseling will be important for you to move forward together happily.
I wish you the best and hope you will continue to update–sharing can help you and others.
Post # 75
I agree with everything you said, with the exception of him *picking up* on anything. I think the house finally fell on this plank and he scrambled.
If I am ultimately proven wrong, I will happily own it.