(Closed) Any STEP MOMS out there? encouragement and stories

posted 4 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
397 posts
Helper bee

I’m a step mom to be, and was a step child growing up.  I made it a huge personal goal to get along with the EX for the kids sack.  My parents weren’t as mature.  

I’ve taken the boys (now 9 and 11) on many outings, swimming, fireworks, etc… and have invited the EX when it was possible.  

The EX was really cool the first few years (the boys were 1 1/2 and 4 when we started dating) and then one day just snapped and I was the biggest b*tch ever.  I still don’t get what happened.  Anyway, a whole different story… LOL

When we told the boys we got engaged and were getting married, they were so happy! Not sure if it was because we took them out to eat to tell them, or genuinely happy!  J/K.

Had a conversation with the boys about adults making wise choices, and the oldest who I’ve had a few issues with not wanting to listen to me (testing boundaries I think) said “I think that dad is making a wise choice with you!”  I was so happy!!!

We have a whole “blended” family part of our ceremony planned and I think I’m more excited about that then our actual vows!

Post # 4
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@FutureMrsD2013:  I am a stepmom to a wonderful 8 year old boy and do not have any biological children. I would do anything for my stepson and he knows it. I love him with all my heart. I’ve been with his father since he was 3 years old.

His mother and I have no relationship nor will we even acknowledge one another. She made it very clear to my DH one day, when I went out to get my stepson during dropoff, that she wants nothing to do with me. She is good to my stepson (ie: education, activities) so, I’ll stay out of her hair.

I will never bad-mouth my husband’s ex in front of my stepson as I lived in the middle of an ugly divorce when I was a child. When he shares stories about this mother, I will fake it to the end of this world so he won’t have to live through any of the “choosing sides” that I had to deal with as a child.

Some of her ways make me bat crazy… She is always late and will contact my DH at the last minute for days that we can take my stepson (she literally texted at 7am one morning for 10am that day). She denied us to take him last Father’s Day because he had a “play date”. Really?! I’ve complained to my husband only twice about her selfish ways but, we discussed that if he confronted her, like he had done before, we would see our son less.

I found it best to just let my DH handle everything – the less I’m involved in pick-ups, the better. You are a Mother so, I’m sure you feel the same way about your stepson. We would climb mountains for them. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I am a step mom to a 20yo. (And a step-grandma to a 1yo), so my situation is a bit different.
I’m learning how to be there for step daughter when she needs advice/input on something, and also to help her take care of the baby. She does not live with us but we see her a lot.
Step daughter’s bio mom is still in her life, and she and I have met several times. We even went to a “Mother’s day dinner” event together, with step daughter and grand child. It was awkward at first but by the end we were actually having a good time!

You are not alone in step parent land. 🙂 

Post # 7
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m also a soon to be step mom! My FI has a 7 year old daughter who was 1 1/2 when we started dating.

Unfortunately, her mom is NOT involved (besides her every other weekend court ordered visitation) so all of the motherly duties fall on me. It’s tough because she has been living with my FI and I for 3+ years. Before that she lived with FI at his parents house. Her bio mom won’t even let her talk about me or say my name. When we got engaged she was soooo excited and happy that we could all finally be a family. In the past she has struggled explaining that I’m not her mom but she lives with me to her friends. Her bio mom isn’t involved in any of her school activities or after school activities. My FI has tried to keep her bio mom involved but he has since given up since she always lets their daughter down. It stinks because I would love to be able to share all of her accomplishments with her bio mom. In over 6 years I’ve never had a conversation with her And honestly think she’s jealous of the relationship that I have with my FI. The minute he told her that he had a gf he started to receive threatening calls from her brothers. She’s been caught multiple times spying on our fb pages. ive talked to one of her cousins and i guess the main thing that she talks about is how she would never want to be with my FI again even if he begged her. instead of trying to build a good relationship between herself, FI, and I, she just dwells on the past. the funny part is that she has had a bf for a couple years and still cant move on and be civil towards me for the sake of her daughter. 

Sorry for the long vent but i just had to let it out. Has anyone else dealt with a crazy bio mom?

 

Post # 9
Member
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Come October I will be a stepmom to a beautiful 7 year old boy. My FI had him from his previous marriage. I have no kids of my own, so its been a bit of a transition!

His ex is weird and says and does super weird things but for the most part, we don’t engage in the drama. We really enjoy the time the 3 of us spend together…his son is a really neat little boy. I feel very blessed he was brought into my life and it’s cool to see him grow and developmet. Word is, he really likes me too. 😉

We all talk very openly about us getting married and what it means He’s excited.

Post # 10
Member
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@FutureMrsD2013:  Just wanted to pipe in and say my FI’s ex wife is REALLY fake! To me, anyway. The first time I met her, I got that vibe and I thought maybe it was just meeting me. But I asked FI if that’s how she always is and he said yes. She was maybe a tad nervous but for the most part…that’s how she is. And every time since then…she’s fake. I can’t put my finger on it but it’s definately there. I also see some of the emails she sends him and the sweet, “Christian” (not putting down any belief system…this is just how she constantly portrays and calls herself) woman is not there. Plus, she had the affair which ended their marriage. I personally find that a bit funny.

But I am sure glad they didn’t work out…I would have never found FI! 😉

Post # 11
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

I have advice from a different perspective.  My BIL remarried recently and his new wife seems to refuse the role of stepmother.  It is difficult to watch.  at the wedding the kids were the flower girls, but that’s it.  nothing to indicate they were now a family, sand ceremony with the kids, or a family dance at the reception. She appears not to believe that the kids were part of the package when she married BIL.  She leaves a bad taste in the family’s mouth because we fear how she is going to treat them when she has her own kids (she was trying before the wedding even). 

so…my advice to future step moms? FAKE IT in front of the family until its real or until they are 18.  There is a lot of drama and bad blood because this woman is acting, or PERCEIVED to be acting badly towards children. Your family might understand ‘that’s how you are’ if you don’t hug the kids, but his family won’t, you will look like a monster, even if that kid has a history of biting or a contagious disease or whatever other reason you could think of. 

IMO

 

 

@waitingalongtime:  We have a whole “blended” family part of our ceremony planned and I think I’m more excited about that then our actual vows!

  THIS is so great!!

Post # 12
Member
3417 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge

I will have a step daughter.  She is currently 14 and just graduated 8th grade!  Its so crazy because I’m only 32 and she was born when I was 17!  My oldest is 11 and my twins are 8.

My step daughter and I have a pretty good relationship.  I try to include her in most things I do.  I’ve taken her shopping with me.  When she got her period for the first time I bought her a “care package”. 

We have had a couple of moments where we’ve butted heads but for the most part we get along well.

Post # 13
Member
980 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m not engaged yet but I’ve been with SO for nearly 5 years and his son is about to turn 4. we were together when SS was conceived. as you can imagine the first couple of years were really rough. SS’s mom hated me and I would say her pregnancy and the first couple of years of SS’s life were chaotic to say the least. That said, SO and I rebuilt our relationship and that struggle and life changing thing we went through really solidified that we wanted to spend our lives with one another. I’ve been in SS’s life since he was born so although I’m not legally a stepmom, we all acknowledge that I play a parental role in our little guy’s life. about 1.5 years ago, SS’s mom came around and told me that SS was lucky to have me as a bonus parent and she and I have been on great terms ever since.  in fact, I’m meeting her tomorrow to get stuff for SS’ bday. She even calls me SS’s other mommy and he just thinks he’s super lucky to have 3 parents. 

It makes me shake my head and laugh now because it just seemed like the worse situation and yet somehow, SO and I have never been better or more secure in our relationship, SS is happy and so very loved by 3 families and we have built quite the happy family for him to grow up in.

Post # 14
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@FutureMrsD2013:  yes, I’ve talked to him about it. He tried to break up with her when she first started to show signs of being crazy but then she got pregnant. She threatened to have an abortion if he left her. So, he stuck it out through the pregnancy. After their daughter was born he tried his best to make an official break but I don’t think she ever got it through her head. She would call him and guilt trip him about not seeing their daughter on a daily basis even though he was busting his butt working 40+ hours and paying her a lot in child support. He would go over at night just to put his daughter to bed but she would want more from him. She was constantly trying to hook up with him And occaisionally he would give into the temptation. FI has assured me that the hook ups all stopped a couple months before we started dating. After we had been together for a while she called him and told him that she got pregnant again by him after their daughter was born but had an abortion. She knew that my FI is a great person and an amazing father so this got to him. She is almost 28, doesn’t have a job, license, car, education, or a consistent home. From my experience with her, she’s 50 shades of crazy.

 

@Jellybones:  if my future step daughters mom ever thanked me for what I do for her daughter I think I might fall over and die! You’re EXTREMELY lucky to have that type of relationship with her! My FI’s family always calls me a mom because they acknowledge what I do for FI’s daughter. It feels good to be recognized but sometimes I wish her bio mom also saw what everyone else sees. To her I’m just enemy #1 and the nasty person that took her man. She tells my stature step daughter that even after FI and I get married, she will never be a part of my family and it will always just be my family not hers. 

 

Sorry again for the long vent. Once I get going I just can’t stop! I love every single part about being a future step mom! I would die for FI’s daughter and I constantly tell her that no matter what, she’s mine because we chose each other. We have a great relationship and I see her turning into a little mini me. I just wish her mom would get over herself and enjoy all of the fun with us instead of being against us.

Post # 15
Member
980 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@Rsallythatgrl2:  I can relate! I’m so grateful for where we are now but it took WORK. she was passive aggressive, sent me hatemail, told me I would never be anything to her son for 2 and a half years. She still held a torch for my SO and blamed me for their ‘family’ not being together. Then she met someone and it was like night and day. Suddenly she acknowledged me and appreciated me. They dated for 10 months and I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop but it’s been 7 months since they broke up and she’s just gotten easier to get along with. My SO and I are still shocked by the dramatic changed she made. 

Be there for your SD, play nice and one day something’s going to happen and bio mom might just wake up and realize that people who have the ability to love someone else’ child as their own are rare and that your SD is lucky to have another parent who adores her in her life.

Post # 16
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m 19 and FI is 10 years older with a 6 year old son.. So that means in 4 months I will become a step mum 🙂

The ‘Ex’ was hesitant at first because of my age but we have no dramas and I get along with FI’s son great!

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