(Closed) Any teachers on the bee? Need urgent advice re 10 yo

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@fivemonthsnotice:  It’s a teacher’s responsibility to report any suspectible abuse or things children may say.  It’s a shame, but if it was ignored, there could be major problems on the teacher’s part.  

I’m not sure of the process after this, but I wish you the best of luck.  I can only imagine how upset this has made you – especially if it’s not true.  Have you sat down to talk with your daughter?  Does she admit to telling this particular lie?

I hope the doctor can help as well.  It sounds like there’s some sort of problem going on with her that needs to be addressed (sorry for stating the obvious).  How have her grades been?  Has she ever been tested for anything in the past?

Best of luck to you and please keep us updated.

Post # 4
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m a teacher and I’ve never had to report anything.  Are you certain that this is the only thing your daughter has said/made up about you?  If one of my students told me that “mommy pulled my hair” I would not be calling social services, to be completely honest with you.  It would take more than that for me to call (sorry if that makes me a bad person, but I know my students).  Could there be other things your daughter is doing and saying at school that would make her teacher feel otherwise concerned?  Can you set up a meeting with the teacher?  I would do that ASAP.  Have the principal sit in on it as well.

It sounds like your daughter has learned how to push all the right buttons with you at home; she has probably learned how to manipulate people at school as well (eg. if I cry, the teacher will give me extra attention in the hallway).  I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I hope it gets resolved quickly.  I’m not a parent yet, but I would be having a very serious conversation with my daughter immediately about her behaviour and the consequences of her “stretching the truth” about her mother and her experiences.

ETA: Although I said I wouldn’t jump to make a report without good reason, I obviously I would talk to my student about what happened and have him/her tell me the story in more detail and talk about how they’re feeling.  If your teacher did this (and asked your daughter, “how did it happen?” “why did she pull your hair?” “what were you two doing at the time?” and similar questions) then I wonder if your daughter made it sound like a very different situation than it really was.

Post # 5
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I am a teacher and I have had to call social services on a family before. In my experience it’s going to take way, way, way more for them to get involved than a teacher calling to say a student reported a parent pulled his or her hair one time. I think the teacher would need more context in the report as Juliepants mentions above. Even if social services did investigate, you can give them documentation that you are addressing your daughter’s issues with a physician, are in communicaiton with the school, and they would probably ask your other kids about being hit or physically abused by you, and your daughter would share the story again which you already indicated was an accident and given the context I think that would be clear. At this point I would worry much less about the social services report and more on what you and the school can do to address whatever issues your daughter is having. Does the school have a counselor your daughter can start seeing to address her anxiety around attending, not eating lunch, etc? Have her grades changed recently? Does she share that she is being bullied or ostracized in any way by her peers?

Post # 8
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I am a teacher, and teachers are, by law, mandated reporters. If a child is reporting anything that could possibly be abuse, we HAVE to report it. It is NOT our job to investigate allegations, just to make a call. I have 9 students, all with special needs, and we have called for 3 of their parents just this year. (None of the parents ended up being at fault). If truly nothing happened, then the people investigating will indicate that. If it’s unfounded, you have nothing to worry about!

FWIW, I’m so sorry that this happened! 

Post # 9
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

As a teacher, we HAVE to report if we have any suspicion of the child being in danger, but I’m sorry you are going through this as obviously, things have been twisted against you.

I would get your D checked for sensory disorders if she has issues with the feel and appearance of clothes. But there do seem to be other underlying issues in behaviour. Her actions also sound a lot like there is something going on at school. My niece was acting the same way, my sister changed her school and now no more problems. 

Im not sure the process of what happen nexts after a report is made but I think you should start seeing professionals for your D’s actions and behaviors so you can show them you are aware of an issue and working towards all you can do to fix it. I don’t think anything serious should come out of this report though.

Post # 11
3241 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@fivemonthsnotice:  The classroom teacher has to report any suspected abuse based on their interactions with a child. It doesn’t mean every time a teacher contacts child services there is abuse. The superintendent isn’t going to override the teacher’s decision and in reality, shouldn’t. I think continuing to communicate with your daughter’s school and physician are important. Maybe this situation will result in both you and your daughter finding a better way to get her ready in the morning. If you think there is something wrong with your daughter, instead of looking at this situation as the school bullying you, try looking at it as a way to get some other people involved that can help both you and your daughter. 

I know it’s stressful for you and I hope that it gets resolved for you soon. Hang in there!

Post # 13
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m a teacher, though in a high school, and I would absolutely report based on a child seeming very upset and telling me their hair was pulled.  I could lose my job if it came out later that the child was being absused and I heard a comment like that without reporting it.  Children do often come up with some pretty fantastic stories, so it’s not unusual for false reports to be made.  Due process must be done, and I’m sure nothing will come of it- you’re not the first person to have accusations leveled against them by an upset child.  It’s a headache, and I’m sure feels like a slap in the face, but remember that the work they do can save children from abusive parents.

Honestly, I’m more concerned about the comments that your daughter is very sensitive emotionally, and apparently also to fabrics and food, gifted, and apparently has trouble with her peers- these can be signs of being on the autism spectrum, or some other developmental disorder (disclaimer: I am most definitely not a doctor! :)).  I suggest checking in the your pediatrician, as well as any school counseling services you have.  I’ve never heard of “blue children” before, but if it’s related to “indigo children”, it’s a bunch of new age bunk and shouldn’t be given the time of day.

Good luck!

Post # 14
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m a special education teacher, and we are state-mandated reporters; if we do not report the littlest thing, our certification would be revoked. Is it always the same dirty clothes, or just that she likes clothes that feel broken in? She may actually have a sensory integration issue where the sensation of fresh clothes may genuinely be painful to her. If it’s just one outfit she wants to wear over and over, I would personally throw it out or put it somewhere she will never find it. I would also make a weekly calendar on Sunday or Saturday of what clothes she will wear on what days, and get her input. Maybe if it’s a large, visual reminder, she will be more accepting of what’s coming. How old is she? I do not mean this to be offensive or rude, but if it were kid, I would take her to be evaluated by either a behavioral therapist or special educator, it sounds like she may be a little oppositional defiant. Look up the signs of ODD and see if you think she fits any of the criteria; it’s much more common and to different degrees than people think/assume. Her aversion to textures and food also leads me to suspect an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Also, do some research on positive behavior support. It will teach you to only focus on the good things she does, and strategies to diminish her challenging behaviors. Also, do not be afraid to exert your dominance in a gentle way; you are the adult, you are the parent, you’re the boss…not her. Try not to be down on yourself about her behavior, but if you try to see yourself in more of a “no negotiations, what I say goes” kind of way, she might too. Good luck!!

Post # 15
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We are hearing your side of the story here, wheras the teacher hears your D’s and has to make a decision. Teacher are mandated reporters and if there is any suspicion of abuse at home, they have to (and should) report. Of course that leads to a lot of reports that turn out to be nothing thankfully, but I think we’d all rather someone air on the side of caution than to allow a child to go home to a potentially abusive situation. I am not sure what it’s like in Canada, but in the US we see stories in the news about children being abused and dying because cases weren’t reported or investigated when they clearly should have been.

I truly think you may imagine that the people at school were looking at you like scum because you are worried about what people may be thinking. First of all, with the exception of the teacher, principal and school psychologist- other people at the school aren’t even aware of the situation. It’s not like that info is shared with the entire staff. I wouldn’t worry about that.

My concern would be to find out what is going on with your D that is causing her to act like this. I’m glad to hear you are taking her for a psych eval. That will hopefully give both you and the school answers to help your daughter through whatever it is she is dealing with. Good luck with everything!

Post # 16
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Oh!  And I wanted to echo comments that this could also all be related to her being uncomfortable at school for whatever reason.  I know it’s late in the year, but is there a possibility of changing teachers?  Perhaps next year, you could take her in early to meet her teacher, read some books about school over the summer, and really play up the positive aspects.  Does she have friends in her grade?  Could you perhaps request that she be placed in a classroom with one student you know she’s friends with?

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