Post # 1
Its never really bothered me before but one of my aunts keeps bringing it up so now its starting to bug me.
Basically, Dear Fiance and I have been together for close to 3 years now. This time last year we broke up for about 2 months following some disagreements about where we were going. I wanted to settle down an get married, have kids, the works. Then boyfriend had no problem with the commitment side of things and no problem with having kids but felt that marriage was an outdated concept. He came round to the idea(hence engaged yay!) but I know he is still not 100% in love with the idea. His view is that marriage is not what it used to be and that its sort of thrown around like its not important and people don’t ‘get’ what its really supposed to mean.
The time we broke up our relationship was perfect just not seeing eye to eye about the future lead to me breaking it off as I didn’t see the point of continuing it if we both wanted different things. Long story short, we were both miserable and once we had a heart to heart we got back together and to be honest I feel like we’re a thousand times stronger, more secure and happier in our relationship because of it.
BUT one of my aunts keeps bringing our ‘break’ up and more or less suggesting that because we’ve broken up before its a really bad idea to get married given his reservations about it. I wouldn’t mind if she had only mentioned it once but pretty much every time I see her, she says something
So I guess I need a little reassurance here- anybody else find themselves in a similar situation? Anybody break up then get back together before getting engaged?
Post # 3
Ha, Darling Husband and I were on and off for a while before we finally got it together. If anyone questions us I just explain that through all of our struggles we still always wanted to be together, we just had to battle our own selfishness and issues (not to mention immaturtity) to do it and we have and continue to everyday. But since we haved lived together and lived apart we know whats better and its together, plus we know we went through some serious issues (due to circumstance not neccessarily personal or relational issues) prior to marriage we are that much more equipped for a lifetime of happiness together .
Post # 4
Fiance and I had a few break ups actually.. started dating at 16 , so we were very young, and needed to spread our wings a little bit. the first couple of times were only for a few days, and the last time was a few months. In the end, we missed each other like crazy, so ended up back together. our last breakup was 4 years ago… and I’m glad it happened. Now we don’t take each other for granted near as much as we used to. I think it’s silly that you would be judged for that.. it’s your relationship and only you know the strength of it. No one else really has the right to judge that.
Post # 5
My Fiance and I broke up a few times before getting back together and getting engaged. Act we were on the verge of a break up when he asked me to marry him.
Post # 6
We broke up once in 7 years of dating….for 5 days. We couldn’t make it last, hehe.
He decided to tell me over dinner that he didn’t want to leave our hometown ever or have children. I commenced crying…
Haha, we “compromised,” I guess. We now both want to leave town and we now both do not want kids.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park
After being together 3 years and living together for 1.5 of those, we split up for close to 5 months. We were both still in college at the time, and I dreaded going from living together to being married just because it was the natural progression of things. I decided (for a lot of reasons) that I wanted to study abroad for a year. In part, it was to learn a language, in part, it was for the experience, in part, it was for perspective. It really helped me grow as a person to spend some time “alone” before we reconnected. He came to see me after 5 months (we deliberated about this for some time) and we decided to continue our relationship when I came home. We still took our time because I had to graduate, but got engaged a couple years later. I think the time apart did us a LOT of good… but he was VERY MUCH against it. He really wanted to stay together and took it really hard!
Post # 8
@lismo: How frustrating to have someone voice their opinions like that! Depending on your relationship with your aunt, are you comfortable sitting down with her and explaining you don’t need her focusing on a more delicate point in your relationship? This is a time for celebration! Be firm with her and hopefully her comments will stop.
Post # 9
@lismo: Pardon my intrusion on his personal life, but is he a child of a divorced family? That may be why he has reservations on marriage. I’ve seen a lot of people that have grown up in broken homes act like this and I’m currently having some issues with it because my SO has never lived in a home where people have been happily married and doesn’t really ‘buy into’ the traditional marriage because he doesn’t really know what it is. If you view marriage as something that turns sour and makes people unhappy, you could unconsciously sabotage your own. This may be what your aunt is seeing.
Or I could totally be wrong and just talking out of my butt. I know a lot of people that believe if there was a good enough reason, one that was so strong that you had break up once, that’s a good enough reason to stay broken up.
Post # 10
Yes, we did. We dated for about 1.5 years, then things started going downhill. I’m not even sure what happened, but Fiance was hanging out with some people that absolutely hated me (all were single and loved partying it up and such) and they convinced hm that he didn’t want to be with me so he dumped me. We didn’t speak for 4 months, and I know he asked out a couple other girls during that time, but both turned him down, telling him that he’d go back to me eventually. Finally he got a wake up call from his so-called “friends” when they started treating him poorly… so he came back. I wasn’t sure I should take him back but we tried it, and two months after reuniting he proposed. It’s been a year since he proposed, we’re 5 months from the wedding, and we have never been happier. That break made us so strong- we wouldn’t be getting married if we had stayed together. Sometimes a break shows a couple how much they really do want to be together, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
Post # 11
@ananeele: The strange thing is no, he doesn’t come from a broken family at all. His parents will be celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in March and both of his brothers are happily married- one 12 years, the other 9 years.
His idea is that years ago(like when his parents got married) there were certain things people only did once they were married- buying a house together, having kids, etc. It used to be necessary if you wanted to provie for your partner in the event of anything happening you. Now its completely acceptable to do all of those things without being married. And then theres people rushing into marriage without any care of how important of a commitment it is. I guess he feels its been devalued in a way
As I said he has softened this view quite a bit- those 2 months gave him plenty of time to think! He did propose eventually afterall 🙂
Thanks for the advice- nice to know I’m not the only one!
Post # 12
@lismo: So he’s just a traditionalist. Honestly, that’s a really good thing. It means he was raised to believe he should provide for his wife and that is what he is doing. Tell your aunt that and when you were first dating, you didn’t understand that and how strong his beliefs were but now that you’ve communicated about them, the whole break up is irrelevant because it was a misunderstanding (that should put her in her place)
Post # 13
Yes, we broke up for about 6 months around the 2 year mark (out of 6.5 years). He told me he didn’t want kids or a dog, and he had a bad habit of treating his younger sister or mom in a disrespectful way. I was only 20 and decided that those were dealbreakers for me, and I am not one to ask a man to change, so we broke up. Apparently he did not want to lose me because over the 6 months we weren’t in a relationship, he made some choices and changed. We started hanging out again after 4 months of being broken up, and I was very cautious before getting back together with him because I wanted to make sure his “changes” were for real. We’ve been together for 4 MORE years since getting back together, are getting married in July, and we have a very similar view of our lives together!
Post # 14
Darling Husband and I broke up in 2007 after 10 months of dating. I was having trust issues and was lashing out at him. I wasn’t really ready at that point to work through those issues, and he was having commitment issues due to a previous broken engagement. We were arguing more and more, and when he received word from his boss that he’d be transferred out of the country at the beginning of 2008, we decided that it would be better for us to just be friends and move on separately. That time apart was really good for both of us, as it allowed me to work through some of my trust issues and to date other guys (DH was my first serious boyfriend), and it gave Darling Husband some time to focus on work and to really think about what he wanted in the future (career, marriage, children, etc.). We remained best friends and spoke every day, even after he moved overseas. I even visited him in Singapore, and after that visit, I knew it would be silly to keep dating other people. I knew I wanted him back. A couple months later, Darling Husband called me and said that he wanted to marry me. We got back together, and one month later, we were shopping for rings. I made it clear that I wanted to take our time before getting engaged in order to make sure we were doing the right thing and not just rushing into things. One year later, Darling Husband proposed and moved back to the United States to be with me, and now, almost two years after the proposal, we’re married and happier than ever. Our relationship is a solid one with open communication, trust, and a deep friendship. I can honestly say that our break was the catalyst for mutual maturing, growth, and eventual commitment.
Outsiders can never know what’s going on in a relationship or involving a break-up. It’s unfortunate that your aunt is being judgmental, but hopefully you can keep your head up and remember that you and your FH know best about what you both want and the state of your relationship.