Post # 1
I don’t know why, but I feel so…guilty…about how much Fiance and I are spending on our wedding (or should I say, how much my parents are spending). I orginally had a much smaller budget in mind, but I’m their only daughter and they’ve decided to go all out. So far our wedding is looking to cost somewhere around 30k, maybe more (for the record: this is mostly because of our venue, not any crazy extras like hiring Beyonce to perform or having ice sculptures carved into the likeness of our faces).
Now, Fiance and I are not pretentious people. We aren’t “showy” or anything like that, far from it actually. I know that our friends know this, but I still can’t help but feel like they’ll think I’m bragging every time I talk about my wedding. I feel sheepish talking about my dress, my venue, the shoes I want…basically, everything. We have a few other friends that are engaged, with much smaller budgets, and I constantly worry that I’m going to look like some spoiled brat. I’ve actually found myself lying about exactly what things cost or who the designer of my dress is because I feel awful about it all. The worst is with FI’s family. They can’t help with much and I dread talking to them about it because I’m worried they’ll ask how much stuff costs. It actually gives me anxiety sometimes. Although, to be honest, that’s sort of typical with me. I tend to over-think and worry – a lot. Shocking, I know. Poor Fiance.
Anyway. I really don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining about something like this, I know that there’s so many people who would dream of having their parents fork over this much for their big day. I’m extremely grateful for what they’re doing and I want to enjoy it all so I’m trying to get over it – but it’s been bugging me a bit and I figured it there was any place to vent without being judged, it would be here. I know that it’s not even that uncommon to spend FAR more than we are, but I still can’t help but feel embarrassed about the whole thing. Silly? Typical? Anybody else have and overcome this feeling? Or am I just being ridiculous?
Post # 3
“having ice sculptures carved into the likeness of our faces” LOL…
I find your entire post incredibly refreshing, actually. I don’t feel this way about my wedding but have had similar feelings in other areas of my life. I think you have an excellent perspective and know the significance of what this amount of money really means…but at the same, time let your parents spoil you if they are willing and able. I don’t think you should feel guilty, just remind yourself in the future when upset about the petty things in life (because we all have those moments, some more than others haha) how truly blessed you are!
Post # 4
When my mom was preparing my dad for paying for our wedding, she asked him how much he thought the entire wedding would cost [we’re talking food, venue, flowers, drinks, band- ALL of it]. He thought for a little bit and said 5k should be plenty. Whoa, dad! Haha! Once the ring is on my finger, I’m going to break it down in terms of flowers will probably cost this much, venue will probably cost this much, etc so he’s a little more aware of how expensive things really are and hopefully bump up he amount [that would be fantastic].
My point is that my dad is clueless and your parents are on top of things. Who cares if other people don’t have as big a budget. It’s the one time you’ll get married. Live it up!
Post # 5
@mrs-j-to-be: I feel guilty about it because it looks like were having a very nice wedding for 175ish people. In NJ, which is one of the most expensive states. My parents and FI’s parents are paying for most of it, and Fiance is paying for the rest. I think its gonna be 35-40K by the end of it all. I’m a senior in college and there is just no way that I could afford anything more than an elopement at this stage in my life. I am really really happy to get a “real” wedding though. And I know Fiance would be upset if we didn’t do a big formal event. Unfortunately that costs money. Its nice to hear that there are other people out there who are aware that weddings cost a lot, and really appreciate the people who are willing to pay for it. And I’m a lot like you in that I got a used dress for 500 and I’m planning on getting the least expensive version of everything possible. I still can’t get over how much I spent on my dress, and I know it was a steal.
Post # 6
dont worry bout it. if mom and dad know how much it is and what they/you and fiance want and they are okay with it. just go with it. people dont need to know the exact costs since they arnt paying for it. tell them no details and let them be surprise and hope they enjoy the wedding.
Post # 7
I’m not embarrassed by the amount, but I am a little concerned that this event is going to give people the wrong impression of me/us/my family. Our wedding is at one of the more expensive venues in the city and when I tell people where it is they usually say something like “oh I wish I could get married there but it wasn’t in the budget”. Ehhhhhh.
Okay, look. I mean we’re spending some pretty hefty cash here but we’re not ballers. I’m the frugal only child of two incredible humans who have made excellent financial decisions (and worked their asses off), and we have some money in our family. While my fiance and I are doing well, we’re hardly rich or anything. We live comfortably but modestly. I’m a little concerned that this wedding will give a different impression.
Add to that our honeymoon. Seventeen days split between Rome, Florence, Paris and the Maldives, flying first/business class the whole time. We’re doing almost the whole darn thing on points and miles and are probably spending only about $3,000. This is about a $45,000 honeymoon if we paid cash, which is something we absolutely just wouldn’t do or be able to do.
I do worry a little about what people will think… like I can see some guests saying “well they could afford this venue and are going on this honeymoon, clearly they don’t really need money so I’m just going to give them a hug and a high five”… but I dont feel the need to discuss or disclose any of the details regarding where we got the money, how we’re doing the honeymoon, etc.
I just hope people don’t think we’re snobs/rich/whatever. Because we’re absolutely not. Meh.
Post # 8
I felt a little the same, although we paid for over half ours ourselves (with the other almost-half paid for by my parents and MIL). Ours was also about $30k, which I know is 3 times the amount a close friend paid, twice the amount other people paid, etc – even though it’s apparently pretty average. When I saw people say things like “think of all the other great things you could do with that money!” it made me wonder if we were being shallow by spending so much on a single day (although that amount includes most of our honeymoon, and our rings, which both lasted more than a day :)) But we could afford it, we wanted to spend it to give us and our guests a good time, and in the end I don’t regret it. Just focus on feeling lucky rather than guilty, and enjoy it!
Post # 9
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
I had an emotional breakdown when I got the final banquetorder from our venue, but my mom chose the venue over another we liked just as much at maybe 1/3 the cost, so my then Fiance now Darling Husband and my Maid/Matron of Honor did the job of calming me down.
If your parents are willing and it’s doable, it is worth it. Your wedding will be incredible and you will be sharing so much joy with so many people. Just try to enjoy it.
Post # 10
I know what you mean. You’re not being ridiculous, but I think you also don’t have to worry about being perceived the way you think. Well, maybe some people will be judgy, but that’s their problem, not yours. Mine is going to wind up pushing $40K when every little thing is factored in. Every now and then I experience an ethical crisis where I think, “People are losing their jobs and we’re spending this much on my wedding.” I also have guilt on another level – thinking about what else I could be doing with the money I’m putting towards the wedding out of my savings. Not so much a question of can I afford it, but should I. I don’t worry so much about what my friends and family will think, because even though it is going to cost a lot altogether, there isn’t going to be anything lavish or obnoxious about it.
Post # 11
If you look at this post:
…you will see that there are several brides out there spending 2-3 times as much as you. You shouldnt feel guilty about it because 1) honestly 30K isnt anything outrageous…maybe so for the area you live in, but where I live, and where my friends live across the country, it’s not. Even a 75K wedding is common. My friend’s budget is even higher than that. 2) It’s really no one’s business what you are spending on it…you should find whatever way possible to get out of discussing costs (Im surprised anyone would be bold enough to ask outside of Fiance parents…and in all cases, I’d just say “oh that’s up to my parents” or “oh my parents know the numbers, im just helping with other things.”
Post # 12
My budget is less than half of yours and I feel this way. Its just a lot of money to spend on one day! No sense in feeling guilty though, enjoy it. Your parents wouldn’t just giver you 30k for no reason, they gave you 30k for your wedding.
Post # 13
We get cash gifts, and usually in my culture that is how we plan the wedding. We will have a 30k wedding and I cried about it. I feel like it is a lot of money and am still not comfortable with the whole thing. We are till in the process of keeping the cost down…but still worried about it
Post # 14
My parents (with a substantial contribution from FI’s parents) are also spending what I think is an obscene amount of money on the wedding. But they wanted to include all their friends and the extended family, and they insisted we have a Viennese table, and a plated meal, and a live band, etc, etc. I mean, given the option, I wanted all of that too…but I feel incredibly guilty (along with incredibly thankful) that they are paying for it all. If they hadn’t offered to pay, I’d have made many different choices and I’m sure still had a gorgeous wedding on a budget, but it would have been very different (although I’d still have been happy I’m sure). Actually, I ended up trying to talk them out of spending on so many things (even though inside I wanted them as they were offered) that my parents have stopped telling me how much things cost because now THEY feel bad that I feel bad!!! It’s a big old circle of guilt but also of love.
Just make sure to thank them profusely lol
Post # 15
Thanks for reading and sharing everybody, everything you’re saying makes sense and I know that I already knew it all in the back of my mind. It felt great to get it out though. I’m just going to do my best to relax and just go with the flow. You’re all right – my parents are doing this for me because they can and they feel like Fiance and I deserve it. They want us to be able to put some money aside for our future children (seriously, my Mom wants Grandbabies like, yesterday) so I need to just keep remembering that, and remember that I’m going to be throwing an amazing party for 250 people – so even if they’re judging us know – they’re going to be loving us again once they’ve got a full belly and are double-fisting free drinks. 😉
Post # 16
I was feeling this way just the other day as I was mailing off the check to my photographer. I’m just in the begining of everything and my mom and I were sitting down to talk about the financials. And all I kept saying was “Omg mom I am so sorry. Its too much.” She kept insisting that she wants to do this for me as her only daughter and really wasn’t that big of a deal. I don’t think I will ever feel comfortable spending this money on one day but it is also fun planning. So in between my excited moments I have a panic moments. My mom is just excited all the time so it helps to make the queezy feeling goes away.