Anybody else frustrated with the place their children will hold in the family?

posted 3 years ago in TTC
  • poll: Do you care about providing the first?

    Our kid/s do have a special "first" status and Im glad, Id be bothered if not

    Our kid/s do have a special "first" status but I dont think id care if not

    Dont have kids yet but I hope to have one of the "firsts"

    Dont have kids yet and I dont care if theyre special to the extended fam, theyll be special to me

    Who cares about extended family dynamics

  • Post # 2
    Member
    1381 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

    Why are you wasting time worrying about something so frivolous?!

    Post # 3
    Member
    49 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    If you want your children to hold a special place in the family, teach them to be considerate and of service. First grandchild holds precisely 0 merit. Most considerate, polite and kind child is 100% merit of good parenting, so maybe strive for that. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    10541 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    I don’t think it really matters that much. I’m the first grandchild/granddaughter on my mom’s side and never felt like I was more loved or special than my brother or cousins. I think family members who would show obvious favoritism based on something as shallow as birth order aren’t worth worrying about.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3582 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    So I’m the ‘unspecial’ kid on my mums side. I was the last grandchild. My mum’s oldest sibling is 20 years older than her. By the time I came along my grandparents had loads of grandkids – I was not special at all.

    didnt bother me though. I was special to my parents 

    Post # 6
    Member
    453 posts
    Helper bee

    I actually get what you mean, but I think these kinds of distinctions only really show up when the grandkids are babies. I was the last of four girl granchildren and I don’t feel like I was treated any worse than the firstborn female grandchild by my extended family. Likewise, my brother was the only male grandchild in my entire extended family and the first grandchild to boot – still don’t think he was treated any better by my extended family in the long run, though there are definitely more baby pictures of him than the rest of us, haha.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1521 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m a first on both sides. It’s not all its cracked up to be, actually it sucks. It comes with a TON of pressure, well it did for me. Getting the best grades, getting into the best school, getting a degree, getting a house, getting married. there’s a lot less pressure on the younger grandkids, I feel like they can do whatever they want and get away with anything. Heaps of them don’t even have jobs by choice! Arghh rant over ๐Ÿ˜œ 

    Post # 8
    Member
    1660 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    My child will be the first grandchild on both sides and first great grandchild too. We only just announced at Christmas and it’s already been brought up how special our child is because it’s first. Everyone in both families is over 20 years old now so our child is the start of the next generation. My husband and I both have cousins who are older than us, two of which got married this year too so there was kind of an unspoken ‘race’. Which is wrong I know, blame the older generation for this. And the fact that everyone is Catholic ๐Ÿ˜‚

    There hasn’t been a girl born in my husbands family in 25 years – 2 of 10 cousins are girls and in my family, I’m the only girl of our generation so a girl is like PRIME real estate at this point too haha.

    I get what you mean. I think if we were having the second grandchild, it wouldn’t be as special. But it’s still special xx 

    Post # 9
    Member
    826 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    ‘ But then part of me doesn’t care at all, because I’m not that close with my siblings or in-laws anyway, so who cares about extended family dynamics’

    If you’re not even close then this makes even less sense to me that you would be thinking about this stuff.

    Enjoy TTC without the unnecessary anxiety of ‘first this’ or ‘first that’! I didn’t realise people thought about this stuff.

    Not to put a downer on things but there are so many people out there who would love to have kids but can’t, and will never be able to afford themselves the luxury of worrying about ‘why can’t my son be the first grandson’ 

     

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    10645 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Well, I’m the favorite in my family and my husband is the favorite in his family so our kids will automatically be the favorites. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Never the less, everyone loves babies for the most part so I wouldn’t worry about a lack of love for your child. I didnt think anyone cared about being *first*, if anything I’d rather be like sixth so I can draw on the experience of the parents who have gone before me. 

    My grandma and great Grandma were always very vocal of me being their favorite grandchild and I wasn’t anywhere near the first or last. I was the favorite because of my personality and because I spent time with them and treated them with respect, not the order in which I popped out a vagina. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    5881 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    No one loves the second child less, that’s not a thing. 

    Its not a first work problem, it is literally just you creating drama again for no reason. 

    The ever stressful life of @calliekalico2.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1793 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I couldn’t care less about this. My kids will be the first on my side because my sister can’t have kids and my brother isn’t having any. On his side, they’ll likely be third or fourth as my brother in law and sister in law already have 1 baby and will likely have 1-2 more before we ever start. It doesn’t mean they’ll be loved any less. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1271 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    calliekalico2 :  Can you explain why this matters to you/makes you feel “alone” in the first place? I should think you’d have approximately 806 FAR more important concerns about raising a child, and that this would be so far down on the list it wouldn’t matter enough to take up any cognitive real estate. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    5081 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Wow.  I really can’t comprehend the level of self-absorption required to make your child’s birth order in an extended family all about you and your insecurity.

    Post # 15
    Member
    4271 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Our son is the first boy and grandchild on my side. He’s not the first anything on my husband’s. 

    Both sides love him to pieces, and there’s no difference in how he’s treated.

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