(Closed) Anybody else frustrated with the place their children will hold in the family?

posted 4 years ago in TTC
  • poll: Do you care about providing the first?

    Our kid/s do have a special "first" status and Im glad, Id be bothered if not

    Our kid/s do have a special "first" status but I dont think id care if not

    Dont have kids yet but I hope to have one of the "firsts"

    Dont have kids yet and I dont care if theyre special to the extended fam, theyll be special to me

    Who cares about extended family dynamics

  • Post # 16
    Member
    287 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    Hope the TWW ends well for you! If you can’t bring up all your ttc thoughts on weddingbee than where can you?? wink

    I do think it’s a little petty but I’ve for sure had these thoughts myself. My brother will have had all 3 of his kids before I or my sisters have any. Their third will be a girl, and there was that tiny part of me hoping they’d have all boys so I could have a chance at having the first granddaughter. DH and I constantly joke that nobody will even notice if/when we have kids. At least that would mean less meddling from the grandparents! And I for sure don’t want twins even if that would be “special”!!

    In the end I know my kids will be loved so much by us AND the grandparents/aunts & uncles no matter what. I agree with PPs from my experience growing up that after the baby/toddler stage birth order won’t matter as much. Although I was never thrilled being one of the younger cousins TBH, mostly due to the way my cousins/siblings treated me, not the adults. And there are definitely worse things than a kid not having a “special dynamic” with extended family. I’d take my siblings having 10 girls, 10 boys and 10 sets of twins before I have kids (hey lots of hand-me-downs!) if I could trade that to have my Mother-In-Law cured of Alzheimer’s. Even if we have kids she’ll never get to experience being a grandmother…

    Post # 17
    Member
    1214 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Your kids are not a status symbol. Every new baby is exciting to the family it’s coming into. Life is difficult enough without inventing new problems.

    Post # 18
    Member
    14095 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    My sister has the first grandson and granddaughter on both sides for her.  I literally could not care less.  I know my parents will love any children I have and that there wasn’t a race to have children first.  We will love any children we have, and my parents will love them, just as they love my neice and nephew.  The thought that they are less special because of their birth order is absurd. 

    Post # 19
    Member
    5228 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I’ve been debating about posting this because I’m afraid that it’s going to come out wrong. So before I start I want to say that I realized what was bugging me and was able to work through it. It was my issue and I solved it.

    My SIL is pregnant with her third and she found out it was a girl. I was hoping for a boy and I was really, really upset when I found out it was a girl. Even more so when my Mother-In-Law started referring to the unborn baby as a girl.

    The day I found out, I was really surprised at how I felt. And I was really upset with myself on top of that because she’s an innocent little baby and it doesn’t affect me one bit if she’s a boy or girl.

    So I started soul searching and with the help of two close friends, I figured it out.

    My SIL has two boys and I have a girl. My SIL is insecure and she competes in every way. It’s actually the family dynamic. My daughter does something and we acknowledge it but then the talk immediately switches to her son who is six months older. Everything she does, he also does, or does even better. My Mother-In-Law does it and so does my SIL. I think my Mother-In-Law more so because she wants to include my SIL in discussions but my SIL doesn’t talk about anything but herself.

    It’s long and complicated and I don’t know how to get the competition to come across well so I’m really just not going to bother. I’m not posting to get my thoughts picked apart, I’m sharing what I went through, hoping it might help you.

    My issue was that I was afraid that SIL having a girl was taking away one more thing that made my daughter special. That now, my daughter would just be swept under the rug because there was one more thing to add to my SILs competition nonsense.

    When I figured it out, it was like a lightbulb went off. I started to feel better. My daughter is very loved and my in laws adore her. Another little girl isn’t going to take away what makes my daughter special, there’s plenty of love to go around. And my SIL can’t compete if I don’t play the game and just don’t spend the energy trying to care about it.

    Basically, what the bees are saying is right. There’s something in you that is making you feel insecure. My insecurity of my daughter not having anything special to her because of the competition was what was making me feel so terrible.

    On the surface, my fear, and your fear seem petty. But it’s because there is something inside of you that is bugging you and if you do some analyzing to figure it out, you can work through it and feel better.

    Emotions are complex. What seems like no brainer, no big deal to others can actually have a deep rooted problem associated with it.

    Post # 20
    Member
    5778 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I know my responses to you have run the gammut from initially supportive to snarky eyerolling, but I honestly opened this thread going by the thread title, not noticing who was posting it. And now that you’ve run out of even the pettiest of trivialities to feel grievously wronged and slighted over, you’re projecting in advance potential imagined slights directed at your future children?! 

    You sound incredibly difficult to get along with. I imagine if you were my SIL or my co-worker, I’d continuously be in your bad graces over the tiniest real or imagined infractions/slights/faux pas etc. This major chip you have on your shoulder must wreak havoc with your relationships with others and your own happiness, unless you truly thrive on all of this manufactured drama. It might be time to speak to a therapist about all of this- and I say this with zero snark, because this doesn’t sound like a happy, healthy way to go around feeling all the time. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    4259 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

    View original reply
    calliekalico2 :  I honestly didn’t know that this was even a thing. All children born into my family are considered special and loved. Our first child won’t be a first anything else to anyone else, except cousin to my niece I guess… But all of our family will be thrilled regardless. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    1058 posts
    Bumble bee

    You know what matters more than birth order? Manners and politeness. I was taught from an early age to respect my elders and to be extremely polite. For this reason I’m not the first of anything yet when it came down to passing down family heirlooms, guess who was in the will? Me. I always suspected I was the grandparent’s favorite because my visits with them were the longest and they always remembered minor details about my life. The bequeathed items just prove without a doubt that I was their favorite by constantly visiting them, being polite, and helping them however I could. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    5228 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    RobbieAndJuliahaha :  

    +1 to therapy. Therapy helps you analyze yourself and become more self aware. In my story above, I figured out my problem in between my bi weekly therapy sessions and I was so proud to tell my therapist that I figured it out.

    He was proud too, because he figured it out in the session before but wanted me to come to the conclusion on my own, I was only one session behind him!

    Therapy has been a powerful tool for me and when I suggest it, it’s never about insulting the poster, it’s about having the poster help herself.

    Post # 24
    Member
    2368 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: NJ

    I would advise you not to give any thought to something you can do absolutely zero about. The PP had a great suggestion, raise your kids to be thoughtful caring people, and they will stand out in a good way, not just an accident of birth. 

    I was fourth of 4 on my mom’s side, but due to very wide spacing in births, my Aunt had already begun racking up grandkids, so my birth was no biggie. Added to that, my Aunt always made everyone believe that anything that happened to her was more momentous than to anyone else. 

    On my dad’s side I was the second girl, in a few years my boy cousin was born, and the Universe paused to genuflect at his Majesty. 

    Can’t do a thing about it. Did my boy cousin live up to this fanfare? Um, no.

    Post # 25
    Member
    368 posts
    Helper bee

    I really don’t think things like this matter much and I would not worry about it. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    967 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    While it is extremely petty, I can kind of understand these thoughts running through your mind. It’s like when the first friend gets engaged in your early 20s and everyone flips out with excitement and its all you talk about and everyone does ALL the things around the wedding. Then years later when the last friend gets engaged and everyone else is married with kids, too busy to do all the things, and still obviously happy for them but not nearly so. OF COURSE it doesn’t matter because the point of getting married is only between you and your partner, but it stings that super petty-inner part of you anyway.

    Obviously this is different because its about the birth of a new person that will be loved just the same, but I do think people go all out with excitement over the first baby in a family/friend group in a way that they wont several kids later. But should you legitimately “be frustrated” by that? No. That’s crazy. 

    I totally agree with everything RobbieandJuliahaha said–if this level of concern with such petty problems is such a pattern for you (that you’re posting about it here) you really need to do some therapy and soul searching to figure out why.

    Post # 27
    Member
    320 posts
    Helper bee

    This has literally never occurred to me and before this post I would have had a hard time believing any of this was a thought in anyone’s mind.

    Post # 28
    Member
    967 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    Also a few PPs have said this but the important part is that even though perhaps the level of excitement around your pregnancy might be lower than for a first child, your actual child will be loved the same. It is not a thing to love a first child more than a second purely due to their birth order. And PPs have also pointed out, once they start to grow it will be all about the kind of person you teach them to be.

    Post # 29
    Member
    1993 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    This post is strange.  I’ve never thought of being bothered by something like this. My family only has one grandkid and she’s the first granddaughter/niece/everything but by no means do I feel like my husband and I need to have the first boy or something in order for our child to be special. My husband and I were the first to get married and that was special to my parents. However, we got married for US not to be special to our family, which we already are. If your family is as vain as you  I can see why you’re worried about your child’s birth order not stealing the show. 😑

    Post # 30
    Member
    3067 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    View original reply
    calliekalico2 :  Oh man, I am the 3rd kid out of 4, i think the 15th grandkid, having the 5th grankid on one side, 3rd on the other. I am about as unspecial as they come and my life is just fine!

    I think your having some middle child syndrome 🙂 its ok, it happens!

    Your way overthinking this. Maybe your kid will be the first brain surgeon or first one to go to jail. Birth status doesn’t really mean much !

    We are the only ones to not find out the sex of the baby before birth , so I guess that is our speshulness. 🙂

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