Anybody else frustrated with the place their children will hold in the family?

posted 2 years ago in TTC
  • poll: Do you care about providing the first?
    Our kid/s do have a special "first" status and Im glad, Id be bothered if not : (3 votes)
    2 %
    Our kid/s do have a special "first" status but I dont think id care if not : (21 votes)
    13 %
    Dont have kids yet but I hope to have one of the "firsts" : (4 votes)
    2 %
    Dont have kids yet and I dont care if theyre special to the extended fam, theyll be special to me : (37 votes)
    22 %
    Who cares about extended family dynamics : (101 votes)
    61 %
  • Post # 31
    41 posts

    I wish I had problems like these.

    Post # 32
    816 posts
    Busy bee

    At first I was like “wtf” but then I saw who the OP was and it made sense. 

    Such strange things to be worried about… 

    Post # 33
    8171 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    calliekalico2 :  every baby is special and being the “first” also has it’s downsides. Like overbearing grandparents who think the baby is their child and clutter your house with more crap than you can use. 

    Post # 34
    1755 posts
    Buzzing bee

    My daughter is the first grand daughter and for  long time was the only one. She is ridiculously indulged by her grandpa. That’s his little princess. She was also the only grandchild around them all the time. My parents live 45 minutes from me, my daughter has a room at their house she goes to see them that much. 

    However her being first isn’t why she has that close relationship. She’s polite, she’s been able to say toddler version of please and thank you since 18 months with prompting. She’s always happy and willing to help. She has table manners as well. So she’s the go to kid for my family to do stuff with. She’s here, she behaves and she’s fun to spend time with. My grandma likes taking her for lunch or tea. My aunt will “borrow” her to go watch kids movies. She  will constantly offer to help clear the table, wash dishes or go fetch something. 

    Her politeness, positivity, graciousness and behaviour are why my family wants to spend time with her not because she’s the first granddaughter.

    Post # 35
    8879 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    calliekalico2 :  This is super petty. It’s not a thing. Literally never once crossed my mind ever at all. I couldn’t answer the poll because it’s not even “extended family dynamics” it’s just who cares about this at all. Why are you so competitive about every tiny thing? This can’t be an enjoyable life constantly worrying about being first, best, richest, etc. 

    Post # 36
    12239 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    I can’t wrap my head around your way of thinking. Every child is special and unique. Favoritism is a separate issue, but it’s not necessarily linked to birth order. 

    Post # 37
    561 posts
    Busy bee

    calliekalico2 :  I’m the first grandchild and first girl in my family, and I think this whole thing is a load of hogwash.

    My younger cousins don’t get treated any worse or differently b my grandparents than I do. And if they did, I think that would be wrong.

    I understand from your post that you are insecure, but any family or family member who cares about birth order to such a degree is ridiculously petty and out of touch. In fact, a lot of times I have seen the opposite of what you are describing– the youngest grandchidren be overindulged because they are the youngest. But that’s not right either. Favoritism can be an issue, yes, but that is separate from birth order.

    Post # 38
    2471 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Absolute nonsense not to think of EVERY family member as unique and precious, while totally disregarding age, gender, “position in family” (yuk) or anything else besides their unique preciousness or their precious uniqueness. 

    Post # 39
    1406 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    If I had a baby, it would be my parents first grandchild and on my husband’s side, it would be the first grandchild to live in the same town as they never see my SIL’s baby. Too bad I don’t want babies so none of that matters lol

    My oldest cousin, me, and my youngest cousin were favorites of my grandfather. I was born much later after most of my cousins. I don’t think he treated us better because of our birth order, I think it was because of how we treated him. My mom was closer to her parents than her siblings so we saw my grandparents more. So obviously we had a closer relationship. I don’t think most people really care about birth order. It’s a silly thing. It’s more about closeness and relationship. 

    Post # 40
    5886 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    calliekalico2 :  Not sure if this will give you some peace but I wasn’t the first or last anything in my extneded family and it never occured to me that this was an issue.  It never made me feel less special or loved.

    Honestly, if I ever have a kid I’ll be THRILLED that I wasn’t first.  I saw how much attention and expectation my sister had to withstand b/c she had the first grandchild and honestly I do NOT want to be in that position.  I guess I”m just someone who has never felt the need for more attention.

    Post # 41
    11612 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    ann.reid.9277 :  +100 every child should feel like the “favorite”- while knowing that their cousin, brother, etc is special, too. Good training to be a decent human. 


    Post # 43
    1991 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I admit I have thought some about this, but for two specific reasons:

    1) My older sister is the first grand-daughter on both sides. Because of this, she was showered with gifts and heirlooms as a child and even as an adult where as I, the third grand-daughter on both sides was completely forgotten (okay not completely, but the traditions they started for the first few kids were abandoned by the time I came along, ie my grandma never making me the baby quilt she made for everyone else, etc)

    2) Darling Husband and I have many siblings, but none of them are in relationships so we will likely be the first to have a child. If someone else were to have one before me I would be devastated, but more because they are not at that time in their lives and we are, so it would be more of a “why can it happen for them but not me” self-pity situation. However I don’t think the actual “placement” of the child would matter to me at all, I’d just make sure my child is treated fairly and equally to the others in the family.


    Post # 44
    70 posts
    Worker bee

    I do not care about this kind of thing because I love my children enough for the world…. and quite honestly if this kind of thing stressed me out I would seek counseling. However, I will ease some people’s minds.

    I was right smack dab in the middle of the grandchildren role for my maternal grandmother. Plenty of grandchildren, including granddaughters above and below me in ages. However, her and I had a special bond and we were very close. Some would consider me one of her favorites. However, being that close I saw how much she loved each of her grandchildren and how each one had a special role in her heart. A good grandmother will find a unique and special place for each grandchild!

    My son is the oldest grandchild on both sides. He was showered with gifts that first Christmas and birthday. Now he is treated as fairly as the rest. Not one grandparent loves him more because of his status, and if they did I would have an issue with that as I also have a son who falls smack dab in the middle.  Again, a good grandparent or aunt or uncle won’t care about your child’s status in the family.

    Post # 45
    187 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    I had the first grandchild (my daughter) and then my so is the only grandson on both sides. Yes it comes with perks, but also with added pressure for them….. I wouldn’t worry about it.

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