(Closed) Anybody else frustrated with the place their children will hold in the family?

posted 4 years ago in TTC
  • poll: Do you care about providing the first?

    Our kid/s do have a special "first" status and Im glad, Id be bothered if not

    Our kid/s do have a special "first" status but I dont think id care if not

    Dont have kids yet but I hope to have one of the "firsts"

    Dont have kids yet and I dont care if theyre special to the extended fam, theyll be special to me

    Who cares about extended family dynamics

  • Post # 61
    Member
    1987 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I do think it kinda depends on the grandparents. If they are assholes who wouldn’t treat all grandkids the same because of birth order, then I can see why you would think there’s a difference. I don’t think my parents will care if our kid is the first or 10th grandchild they have. 

    My inlaws definitely spoiled the first grandchild more then they do the 2nd. I think it is for financial reasons- they could afford to spend $500 on Christmas presents, but now they spend $250 each or whatever. So for a few years, my nephew got an insane amount of presents my niece won’t ever get. Not sure if it really matters, but it happened. Although, you never know how many grandkids you will have, so I think it’s hard to really plan. 

    My nephew also has a college fund started, but I don’t believe my niece does yet. I don’t know if my inlaws would be able to contribute to college funds when we have kids, as contributing to 4 college funds is a lot different than contributing to one. 

    Post # 62
    Member
    5228 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

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    msmdp2017 :  

    I think there are deeper issues that manifest into this type of fear. That’s what happened with me and once I put my finger on what was driving that fear, I was able to get past it, and I feel 100% better and unconcerned 

    If you don’t know where the fear is coming from, you can’t really rationalize it

    Post # 64
    Member
    5228 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

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    calliekalico2 :  

    sorry but mine wasn’t being self absorbed. Mine was pure hurt for my daughter, not for me being seen as not giving something original to the world. But legit hurt for what I thought was being taken from her.

    While it was irrational and I’m proud that I moved on from it, it had nothing to do with self absorption.

    Post # 66
    Member
    3172 posts
    Sugar bee

    I have two nieces and two nephews. I try to treat them as fairly as possible. 

    Post # 68
    Member
    1501 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

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    calliekalico2 :  

    On one side of the family I’m one of the middle grandchildren, but I’m one of the “favorites” (and I use this term loosely) simply because my siblings and I spent the most time with our grandparents on that side. The other grandchildren spent less time with the grandparents.

    On the other side of the family, the definite favorite grandchild (this term is used less loosely here) is the youngest grandchild. Again, it’s because she spent the most time with the grandparents on this side. These grandparents of mine live in another country, and my youngest cousin also lives there, so this makes sense.

    However, everyone is treated with respect and love, even if there are some relationships that are stronger. I personally think it’s more about the effort put in and time spent together. If Sue spends every weekend with grandma and grandpa, then she is naturally going be closer to those grandparents than Mark who only sees grandma and grandpa for the holidays. That doesn’t necessarily mean that the grandparents are going to love Sue more (although in some cases grandparents do play favorites, like on one side of my family), but the relationship will be closer and stronger.

    I’d try to make my children’s relationship with their extended family as strong as possible, and worry less about birth order.

    Post # 69
    Member
    1501 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

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    calliekalico2 :  You say you have “much older” sisters. So can’t you see how stupid it is for them to be gloating that they had kids before you?

    If they’re much older, then that would be expected to happen, and the gloating is, quite frankly, very stupid and petty on their part.

    It’s like saying that I “accomplished” something by attending college before my younger sibling did…well, I’m older so I was going to graduate high school sooner than they were and attend college after that. It’s not an accomplishment, it’s just how things were set up for us by virtue of me being older.

    Don’t play into these stupid mindgames. No one can “win” if you’re not playing the game. 

    Post # 70
    Member
    5228 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

     

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    calliekalico2 :  

    i agree with pp though, it’s only a game if you play along. What they are doing is bizarre so if you learn how to ignore it, the game is over 

    Post # 71
    Member
    1392 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Well, I was the 3rd grandchild out of 8 and I was the favorite. So your point is irrelevant. 

     

    Honestly. Who even cares? 🙄 

    Post # 72
    Member
    47421 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Being born the first is not an acomplishment on the part of the child, and nothing to be proud of.

    I would rather my child was the kindest, the most compassionate, the most considerate, the most empathetic, the most generous, the most reliable, the most resourceful, the most sincere- any or all of those would be something  to be proud of. Order of birth? Not.

    Post # 73
    Member
    190 posts
    Blushing bee

    Obviously not because my kids will be the objective best in the family 😉

    Post # 75
    Member
    2596 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

     I understand the whole realization that you’re suddenly in a competition that you knew nothing about. My son was the firstborn and only boy grandchild on my ex-husband side. He was The Golden Child. On my side, unbeknownst to me, my brother’s wife was competitive. She was super jealous when we got pregnant with our daughter, because they wanted to have the youngest grandchild and their daughter was a year old. The girls are teenagers now, yet they still do some weird comparisons between our daughters. I just shrug it off. They did finally have a son, which would have appeased my brother’s wife, however, my nephew is autistic and so she is angry because there isn’t a real comparison to my son. My brother couldn’t have a close relationship with my son, because she would flip her lid in jealousy. I don’t understand any of it.

    A few weeks ago, I heard they were talking about my son with derision because he took a semester off from college (and just worked) while trying to figure out what he wanted to study (rather then waste money on a college program he wasn’t certain about), saying that when their daughter goes to college next year, she won’t be taking any time off to work a menial job. Of course, she just got suspended from school for a few days for getting caught drinking at a high school game.  She’s a good girl, but her parents put enormous pressure on her.

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