Anybody else frustrated with the place their children will hold in the family?

posted 2 years ago in TTC
  • poll: Do you care about providing the first?
    Our kid/s do have a special "first" status and Im glad, Id be bothered if not : (3 votes)
    2 %
    Our kid/s do have a special "first" status but I dont think id care if not : (21 votes)
    13 %
    Dont have kids yet but I hope to have one of the "firsts" : (4 votes)
    2 %
    Dont have kids yet and I dont care if theyre special to the extended fam, theyll be special to me : (37 votes)
    22 %
    Who cares about extended family dynamics : (101 votes)
    61 %
  • Post # 76
    Member
    5463 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

    jannigirl :  

    How do you even put the competition into words that people outside of the situation can understand? It’s always written off as petty on here because how can you even describe the behavior that you are seeing without every. single. example and story.

    I usually only confide in people who have met and know my SIL because they know what she’s like.

    Post # 77
    Member
    2398 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Sansa85 :  I get it.  My SIL flipped out one time when my son was 4 and their daughter was 2 because my brother was jumping on the trampoline in our backyard with my son. SIL yelling about how she felt like he loved my son more than his own child or something like that. Ever since then, my brother has kept his distance. 

    When my daughter was 18 months old, my brother told me he & my SIL were concerned she would be overweight (not like their daughter) because she had chubby legs. She was very appropriate for her height (75% for both height & weight). I just looked at him like he’d lost his mind. What?!

    I feel really sorry for my niece. They’ve always pressured her. Preaching to her from toddler age to teenage years about her weight. And she was a skinny kid. Now that she’s almost 18, she’s kind of chubby. I think they’ve screwed up her relationship with food (among other things). It also made it difficult to have a super close relationship with her, as when she would spend much time with my kids, her parents would really ramp up with the comparisons & “competition”. Makes me sad. 

    Post # 78
    Member
    5 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Mine and hubby’s child (when we eventually have a baby) will be the first biological grandchild for his dad. He refers to his grandchildren as his own, but they are step-grandchildren. I really don’t think it matters who is where, or what ‘title’/’place’ they will have.

    Post # 79
    Member
    1665 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    I think people are being a little bit cruel to you by trivialising something that is kinda important to you.

    Birth order is definitely a thing in my family. It’s like a running joke that subsequent children barely ever get the level of attention that a first gets. 

    I just announced my pregnancy to family and our child is the first on both sides. The fact that it’s first and therefore special was practically the first comment made. In the following days we heard that older cousins of ours were ‘salty’ that we’d beaten them to it. 3 of us got married this year and were all ttc. My husband and I conceived on our first cycle and it’s definitely ruffled feathers slightly. There’s jealousy that’s already creeped in. And it makes it worse that parents and grandparents can’t stop making a huge fuss over me. 

    Just because it isn’t a thing in your family, doesn’t mean it’s not a thing. 

    Post # 80
    Member
    1665 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    tiffanybruiser :  nope, not joking. I know 100% that in our families, the first anything is very important. Might be cultural, not sure because we are not American. We’re all from Africa.

    This view is definitely perpetuated by the older generation in our families. But it’s a definitely a view and it’s also now causing jealously between us and our cousins. Such a huge fuss is being made about our child being first while the others are still ttc. It’s pretty awkward. 

    That’s just how it is in our family. It’s competitive af. And pretty petty. But it’s real. 

    Post # 81
    Member
    5463 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

    tillymac :  

    Do you think if the rolls were reversed, you would be jealous like you cousins are?

    This isn’t a judgement or snark or anything like that, I’m just curious given your family dynamic.

    Post # 82
    Member
    7850 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    tillymac :  I’m curious: why do your family members even know you got pregnant on your first try? I just find that weird…if I knew close family members were also TTC, and I happened to get pregnant on my first try, I really don’t think I’d be mentioning that fact to anyone. Actually I don’t think I’d mention it to anyone regardless, given that you really never know what other people are going through with TTC. I wonder if the fact that your announcement “ruffled feathers” has more to do with how you announced it than the fact that this will be the first grandchild.

    FWIW, I was the first grandkid on both sides. I can see how the initial announcement of the first pregnancy in the fam might be more exciting for some grandparents than with subsequent pregnancies, simply because it’s a new thing. But I think in most families that all fades away once the children are born and start growing up. I was definitely not the favorite with one set of grandparents  – that honor goes to one of my cousins (third oldest) – he just had a personality that clicked with them better. My other set of grandparents I genuinely feel loved all us grandkids equally in different ways.

    Post # 84
    Member
    9735 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    calliekalico2 :  Actually, 100% Agree with you on that.

    Nothing irritates me more than the whole “Well, we got it on our first try!” comments or when it has to be mentioned in every single post related to pregnancy. 

    Congrats to your goddamn super sperm and uber fertile lady bits. 

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