(Closed) Anybody Else Think Being Proposed to is One Sided?

posted 6 years ago in Proposals
Post # 46
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I agree with the previous posters that there should be some level of agreement that a marriage is what you both want.  I actually just proposed to my now fiance (!!) over Easter – I came up with a whole idea that involved travel and all the places we’ve been together and I asked him to start our next great adventure and marry me!  He said “Of course! That was never a question! You know this wasn’t my plan right!?” I told him he could feel free to carry on with his plan and that now maybe I’ll be surprised whenever his plan happens.  I’ve always been a go get ’em kind of girl as well, but for me it wasn’t about him waiting too long, it was about the pressure he was putting on himself to make it perfect.  I don’t care about perfection and I didn’t think it was fair to him to be so stressed about it.  Plus any chance I get to let people know how much I love them, I take it, and this was just another opportunity! He was a little weird about it at first but was totally excited within a couple hours (I think he was worried about how other people would react and when they (specifically family) didn’t react badly he relaxed).  But when I asked I already knew we both wanted to marry each other. 

Post # 47
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I always assumed that most people nowadays weren’t especially surprised. I am too invested in what is going on around me for that. Fiance and I talked about it, decided we wanted to get married, and then just went from there. We picked a ring out, and he did, in the end, get down on one knee and formally ask me to marry him, but that was the traditionalist in him coming out. Also by that point, we’d booked half the vendors and I had bought a dress, so it was no shocker.

It was still nice though. Romantic. I don’t do “surprises” well so I’m not sure how I would have handled a proposal without actually having decided to get engaged together.

Post # 49
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

View original reply
missjz:  ‘There is no other circumstance in my future that I will have to rely on someone else to make a choice for me. ‘

Sure, the choice of venue, timing and method (and often/usually the ring) for the proposal is his, but a responsible couple should have sat down and discussed timelines and marriage before the proposal. The way you wrote your opinion (which I quoted above) makes it sound like he is the one who chooses on your behalf whether you get married or not, and that is simply not the case. The details about the proposal he chooses are in the end minor details in the perspective of the lifetime of the marriage.

I know some women end up waiting for very, many months, but often that is down to bad communication (the timeline wasn’t discussed well enough, the woman is spoiling the surprise by bringing it up too much) or the guy simply isn’t ready in the first place; again, bad communication, as he should tell her that.

Post # 50
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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nawella:  he has a titanium ring with antler inlay. He’s an outdoors person, so it’s nice to have something which expresses that. He’s going to keep it as his wedding ring. Some people ask about it, most don’t, but to us it is an expression of our equality. 

Post # 56
Member
9581 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I do think its one sided but I love it. Its definitely in the womans favor. To me its the ultimate litmus test, talk is cheap- rings are not. My bf and I have discussed marriage till we’re blue in the face and in that sense it was definitely a two sided decision to get married, but for that train to really leave the station, hes going to prove he means it, by ponying up his cash and his pride for a ring and a proposal. 

And its not giving up all your power- you can still propose to him or say no to his question. To me him asking gives you the ultimate power- to say yes or no to someone putting their heart and cash on the line. Is it “unfair” that the tradition is so Male/Female constructed? Maybe, but everything else (traditionally) about the wedding is on the Bride, so why not have this part be on the groom!

I do not at all begrudge women who proposed or had some mutual situation, but I love the traditions. Our society constructed and kept them for a reason- they work!

View original reply
missjz:  

Post # 57
Member
770 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I am a feminist, and I proposed to my husband with a grand gesture. I couldn’t stomach the double standard of traditional gender roles, where men get all the power of determining the pace and direction of the relationship, and where the strength of that love is seen as proportional to the amount spent. Barf! It’s 2014, and sexist traditions should be a thing of the past.

For what it’s worth, my husband loved being proposed to, and we’re both very happy.

Post # 58
Member
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think it just depends on the couple.  Some women equate the spending of money to some sort of level of commitment while others do not.  Some women love surprises while others do not.  I don’t think there is a “right” or “wrong” way to propose or get proposed to, it just depends on what you and your partner value.  My husband and I discussed marriage, decided it was something we wanted to do, and picked out a ring together.  It worked perfectly for us, but I think it’d be silly to assume that this is what would work for every other relationship out there.  Proposals and weddings are unique to each couple, the world would be a boring place if they were all the same.

Post # 60
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

missjz: Engagements in Sweden are definitely different from the ones here in North America. The majority of the couples that I know in Sweden have gone and purchased their rings together, and there’s definitely not the same “ring craze” as people have here.

Now for us, the one thing I knew my husband felt a little sad about after the proposal was that he didn’t get a ring. He was equally engaged as me, but had nothing to show for it! So what we did was that we got matching wedding bands. You see, a Swedish couple would get matching engagement rings, but only the bride gets an additional ring on the wedding day. So we did it a little backwards in terms of Swedish traditions, but we still ended up with the same amount of rings and the same style band – which is something we both really love.

Oh, and in terms of having a Swedish outlook on our wedding day – we walked in together, following Swedish tradition. To us it symbolizes that you both walk into the marriage as equals, both feeling the same joy.

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