Ok, Bee. The truth is, you want this child to go poof!, so you can have your bf all to yourself and not feel as if you’re in second place. As you see it, the best way to make that happen is for the SIL to have a miraculous awakening of some sort and magically turn into June Cleaver. Understandable. Many people would feel resentful in your situation.
Where your plan falls apart is in the reality that you just cannot make someone change. I’ve no doubt that your bf and the rest of the family have had numerous discussions with SIL, which have gone, exactly nowhere.
Most of your postings are efforts to get us to understand that SIL SHOULDN’T DO THIS STUFF. Ok, yeah, you’re right. We get it. She shouldn’t.
There is just one teeny little flaw in your reasoning—she does do it. And she will continue to be exactly who she is. That’s not to suggest that people can’t change. They can, but seldom do. If your SIL bottoms out and decides she’s ready for a different kind of life, it will be on her timetable, not yours. Your bf can talk to her till the cows come home. It won’t matter.
The venom you have toward the SIL is palpable. By your own admission, the little nephew has become a symbol of the relationship between your bf and the SIL. And, it’s a relationship that you truly despise.
You keep trying to get him to understand. Understand that SIL is horrible and should be raising her own child. He knows this, Bee.
Your bf has taken the highest of high roads here. Rather than wear himself out futilely nagging the SIL, he has stepped up and made himself available to the little boy as a stable male role model and care-taker. There is nothing remotely enabling about that.
The fact that the SIL may get some benefit out of your bf’s involvement—completely irrelevant. That’s mere collateral fall out. Stop fixating on that. You’re jealous of a woman whose life is an uncontrolled dumpster fire.
You keep trying to make this all about the SIL, but it’s not. It’s all about the nephew.
And, that’s another problem. You don’t like the child either. That doesn’t make you a terrible person. Just acknowledge it to yourself. Lots of people are not fond of young children. Rest assured, the little boy is excruciatingly aware of how you feel about him. Young kids are masters at reading the Big People, they have to be, it’s part of their survival instinct.
You feel like you would be happy with your bf if there was no nephew in the way. Fine. You’re allowed to feel that way. However, there is a very large spanner in the spokes: the kid is staying.
When there is a child involved, the grownups are required by basic human decency to put the best interest of the child first.
If you don’t want a kid in your life, you don’t want a kid in your life. Unfortunately, your bf has a kid in his life who will be there for many years. You are desperately unhappy and rageful. What that tells me is that you and your bf, at the deepest core levels, are simply not compatible.