Post # 1
Let me clarify that I DON’T mean TTC without his knowledge (being sneaky), just without his full support.
DH is five years younger than me. I’m 34, he’s 29. He’s not (emotionally, socially, etc) ready to have kids yet. I get it – 29 isn’t young, but in nobody in his peer group has kids (very few are engaged, and none are married). And both of us enjoy our married-with-no-kids lifestyle. However, we both want to have children, and biology tells me that now is the time to start the process, especially if we want more than one.
DH understands the tyranny of biology (we’ve been together for 6 years, so our difference in age isn’t a new thing for either of us) and gets that we need to begin TTC soon. He’s just incredibly negative and unenthusiastic about the whole thing, saying things like “its going to ruin our lives.” Every conversation we have about it is negative – “Well, I guess we have to do it, but I wish we didn’t. It’s gonna suck.”
I’m terrified about having a baby as it is. The prospect of giving up my body and my lifestyle is super scary! The prospect of going through what could be an emotional & hard process with a negative, unsupportive DH makes me anxious.
Do any other Bees have a less than enthusiastic DH? How do you handle it?
Post # 2
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle
Ummm. I would not be trying to have a kid with him. It sounds like he’s going to emotionally check out of the relationship, if he hasn’t already. I understand you’re not getting any younger, but “we both want to have children” doesn’t seem true if he keeps saying “it’s going to suck,” “this is going to ruin our lives” and “I guess we have to.” I would NOT want to bring a child into that equation. Are you sure he really wants kids? Every signal he is giving off says that he doesn’t.
Post # 3
MrsKittyFig: I’m sorry but what you’re saying is a huge warning flag. I’m confused at how he says he wants to have children, but that it’ll ruin your lives/ gonna suck.
My husband is absolutely on board with TTC and constantly supports/ reassures me when I’m having a rough time with it. I don’t think I or our marriage would survive otherwise.
Post # 4
My DH is younger than me, and it’s fair to say he was pretty nervous when we started TTC. So it may be that your husband is just not communicating very well (!) and he’s actually just a bit scared, although it’s coming across as immature doucheyness… But to echo PPs, unless you’re absolutely sure it’s not the latter, it might be wise to re-think your plans. Sorry…
Post # 5
I think there is a difference between not jumping for joy/just not being as excited about ttc and being actively anti baby. And it sounds like your husband is the latter. And i can’t see that being a good situation to add a baby to. What happens when you have a difficult birth, or a newborn who ends up in nicu, or any Other number of things that could come up where you need his support? Some men, once their partner gets pregnant may decide “I didn’t think I was ready but I am very excited for this now” or he may decide that he didn’t want this and wants nothing to do with it. I dont know that I would be willing to have a baby if DH wasn’t at least not anti baby.
Post # 6
I would be very, very concerned by his behavior. He’s 29, not 16. I think you need to have a hard talk with him and tell him that either he is fully on board with TTC or he isn’t, and you aren’t moving forward until he can approach it in a supportive and positive fashion. He’s acting like you’re his mother trying to force him to eat his vegetables, not an almost 30-year-old MAN making the mature and loving decision to bring another life into this world.
I am sure you do not want to be putting up with his whining about how much his life ‘sucks’ when you’re pushing a watermelon-sized baby out of your vagina or sitting in recovery after major abdominal surgery. Somehow you seem to have put yourself in the position (probably because of your difference in age) where he thinks it is perfectly fine to let you make the plans and do the hard work while he sits in the back seat complaining and taking potshots. I can see this dynamic getting even worse once there is a kid in the mix and he can play the ‘resentful husband who never wanted all this’ card. Stop letting him get away with this blatant immaturity.
Post # 7
My DH was a little apprehensive initially, despite us having agreed that we would be TTC. I bought a book about TTC and he practically lost a night’s sleep because of the stress attack he had. However, now, he’s on board – wants me to explain how I’m predicting ovulation, diligently takes his ‘sperm vitamins’ (as he calls them), etc etc.
So, I say start slow – buy some books (Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a must), leave them around so he can see them. Mention it casually in conversation. Make it clear that TTC is going to happen soon, but not immediately. If he calms down and becomes more accepting of it, great. If he doesn’t, well then I agree with PPs that you might have a problem.
Post # 8
DH definitely wants kids (really!), he just wishes we could have them in 5 years. Frankly, so do I! And I know he will be a great dad (wouldn’t have married him otherwise) regardless of the timing.
The bottom line is, he knows that if he wants to have a family (with me), it has to happen sooner than his ideal. He’s willing to do so, because ultimately having a family with me is worth it to him… but it doesn’t erase the fact that he doesn’t want to (right now). And yes, I wish he would choose different words to express his feelings, but I understand how he feels and can’t blame him for being honest. I wouldn’t want him to hide his feelings from me.
I feel like I have no choice but to TTC with an (otherwise awesome) DH who does not want to have kids right now but is willing to do so because he loves me. Yikes 🙁
Post # 9
As someone who has been TTC for several months, let me be frank: it fucking sucks. It’s stressful, and emotional, and even for those of us who are lucky enough to have incredibly supportive spouses, it can be pretty awful. So I can’t even fathom the idea of doing it without my husband’s full support. It’s going to make it way harder on you.
And that’s not even taking into account everything you will need to deal with when you DO get pregnant: body changes, moodswings…..
I hate to say it, but even when neither of us were “ready”, my husband would never refer to having kids as something that was going to “suck” or “ruin our lives”….are you 100% sure he wants kids? Because that’s not how someone who doesn’t want kids right *now* talks, it’s how someone who doesn’t want kids *ever* talks.
Post # 10
He does not support it at all. There is a HUGE difference between, “I’m worried about how we are going to adjust/afford/adapt to having a child” vs “It is going to ruin our lives. It sucks and but I guess we have to.” I feel like the latter about things like paying bills and going to the gyno and waking up early. Not about making a lifelong commitment to another person to raise them and guide them in to being a successful adult. You may end up raising a baby on your own which no matter your age or marital status is no fun.
Post # 11
You need to sit down and have a really serious discussion with him about this. My DH and I are in a similar age situation – actually ours is “worse” – I’m 34 and he is 27, and we are going to start trying for a baby in Feb.
We’ve talked many times about how it would be better if we could wait until he was in his 30s (mostly work related) and I’ve told him that even though we should start as soon as we can, I would like to wait until he is comfortable. We got married in August and he wants to wait until we move to another state in Feb to start trying, and I’m ok with that.
I know for a fact he’d like to wait until he is older, but every time I bring up waiting, he expresses his wish to have a family and he doesn’t want to push things off to where the risk goes up for me and our baby.
It seems like he actively does not want a family right now – and you don’t need to start a family with someone who really isn’t ready in any way. My DH is the kind of guy who never gets excited about things until they are about to happen, so I don’t expect that he’ll be dancing around like a wild man celebrating my entire pregnancy. but I know that he’ll step up.
I’d reccommend talking to him about exactly what is scaring him about having children. Perhaps talking through his worries will give you some insight as to whether he’s just scared, or if he really doesn’t want kids – two completely different things.
Post # 12
MrsKittyFig: i wouldn’t be comfortable with TTC with someone who is not 100% on board. I get that your clock is ticking, but are you prepared to possibly raise this child on your own?
Post # 13
Hell no! Bad idea. And completely unfair to any resulting child, who would deserve two excited, happy parents. I mean, stuff happens, but I would never intentionally conceive a child unless we were both on board.
Post # 14
This sounds like a horrible idea- you said yourself he doesn’t want a baby right now. Having a baby should not be an obligation. You say “have to” and “have no choice” a few times in your posts, but having a baby isn’t something you grit your teeth and get it over with.
This is something you need to work through since you both seem to be on different pages about this.
Post # 15
MrsKittyFig: I could certainly have wrote you exact post, except were were 32 (me)/27 (him) when we started TTC and are actually now 34/29. DH was in exactly the same position, he still felt too young to have kids and wanted to wait. He wasn’t totally enthusiastic about it when we started, though he agreed to start and understood my desire not to wait anymore, and said the same things. “Man, life is gonna suck, we ‘re not gonna get to sleep or have free time etc etc.” I dont think that just because he’s not all yay BABY, that you’re going to end up rasing the child on your own. He’s still not totally “yay baby”,but I just dont think he’s the type of guy that ever will be. DH wants children, but isnt crazy about the idea of babies and I’m fine with that. But I am certainly glad we did not wait to try, cause it’s been 2 years and we’re still trying. Now, he’s looking forward to having a kid, partly cause he’s tired of just trying. And partly he’s feeling “old” now and he’s at an age where he feels more more ready for a baby and life change, but he’s still not all “yay babies”. He’s still “man, it’s gonna suck”, and I think that’s fine cause I agree! How is no sleep, no freedom NOT going to suck?? I’m not gonna kid myself and think that it’s going to be totally awesome and that at times I wont be completely miserable.