Post # 61
pinkshoes: We’ll have to agree to disagree on this one. Darling Husband and I are currently trying and if for some reason we are not able to conceive our own biological children, then adoption would be an option we’d look in to. For us, the desire to be parents outweighs the desire for that child to be biologically ours. I know I’m not alone in this, and I’m sure you are not alone is your desire to not adopt. On the same note, I personally wouldn’t look into sperm or egg donation, but thankfully, they are options available and ones that many people take advantage of.
Post # 62
pinkshoes: Maybe I should see if I can get a job at Google or Facebook 🙂
Jokes aside, I don’t know if egg freezing is for us. If our options were TTC now or freeze eggs for later, I think that would tip DH’s calculus deep into the TTC now side. I don’t think having a doctor tell us that the time is now will make him less grumpy about TTC, but it might help anchor our decision. Either way, I think a trip to the doctor is the next step.
Also, I agree that adoption is an entirely different animal. I think we’d be open to it, but to me it’s in a different category (with its own pros and cons) from having a biological child.
Post # 63
MrsKittyFig: My husband and I both wanted a baby, we got pregnant and for me it has been pretty much awful from scratch (horrible morning sickness until week 26 for once, I’m now at 36 weeks). During the period when I was feeling my absolute worst I couldn’t feel happy about the baby and my Darling Husband put his own joy aside and focused on making sure that I was as comfortable as possible.
So, just because your husband isn’t enthusiastic about TTC it doesn’t mean that he will be an unsupportive partner if you get pregnant! Baby aside, he loves you and if the pregnancy is taking a tool on you I’m sure he’ll step up for your sake. I understand things might look grim right now, but if there’s love I’m sure the two of you will be able to get through this one as well!
Post # 64
eocenia: And what if he is actually letting her know how he feels and he leaves her because she went ahead and got preganant when he isn’t ready?
Men are not complicated beings if he is telling you he is not ready guess what he isn’t ready
Post # 65
My husband isn’t super thrilled about TTC, but our situation is a little different as we are 36 and 37 and not getting any younger. He has agreed to TTC after we are finally finished with the short sale on my old townhouse, which will hopefully be within the next month. But he’d be happy to wait if I felt comfortable putting it off further.
He has insecureties about being a good father that stem from his own childhood issues and is scared of the process in general (which I think is understandable). He’s really great with kids, but he has trouble seeing that for himself. He also has a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor, so sometimes he makes comments to me that aren’t the most sensitive. However, when we’re talking to other people, he is more serious about it.
Basically, I know his personality and usually know when to ignore him being cynical and when he’s serious. We’ve had some more serious talks about his concerns as well, and talked about some ways we can possibly plan for them. But having a baby is one of those things that you can talk about and plan for as much as possible, but you don’t really know what it’s like (no sleep, up all night, crying baby) until you experience it first-hand.
Overall, he’s come to terms with the fact that it will be happening, but he isn’t excited about it. He’s still much better talking about it in hypothetical terms than concrete, right now terms. If we weren’t as old, we’d wait longer. But I do think he’d still feel this way no matter when we decided.
Even me, who’s wanted kids longer than I can remember and who tears up instantly at the thought of not having them, am more scared the closer we get. I thought I’d be all gung ho about TTC, but right now, I’m ok with NTNP for a couple of months until we settle into it.
Post # 66
sway0060: Of course there’s always that possibility. However, there are already plenty of “huge warning flag”/”I wouldn’t have a baby with him” posts from other bees and instead of echoing what had already been said my comment was meant to give the OP a little hope. Nowhere did I state that it was an ideal situation, only that you can get through a lot as long as there is a solid foundation of love.
As for “Men are not complicated beings” – what a sad way of branding 50% of all humans as simplistic creatures. I personally believe that the unknown is scary for most people, and going into TTC is a huge unknown!
Post # 67
“You are basing your decision from the standpoint of a 31 year old man, not a 38 year old woman who has to carry the baby and deliver it”- our family counselor to my husband on the subject of another baby.
I told the quote above from my personal life because it sort of applies to your situation. My husband and I have a 6 year age difference with me being older. I had a child from my first marriage and when we got married we both agreed to have another baby pretty much right away. But when I was ready for another, Darling Husband was not and wanted to wait. Well, I got it out of my system and decided I was happy with 2 kids- then guess what? Darling Husband decided he maybe did want one more.
Now, ofcourse it is different deciding to have a first baby vs expanding a family. But biology is still there and it’s undeniable. Time marches on! But I would be hesitant to have kids with someone who is so negative about it. If he was more apathetic and just unsure- that might be better. Good luck!
Post # 68
Wow lots of really harsh responses on this thread. Is it an ideal situation in which to start TTC? No. Is it the doom and gloom unavoidable end of their marriage either? No, not as far as we know. To all those talking about how she needs to consider his feelings, it’s all about HER, etc, it’s important to remember that compromise is a two way street. So husband isn’t 100% ready? Well, in 5 years, she might have a much more difficult time conceiving, and the likelihood of problems goes way up. Look at Down Syndrome statistics by maternal age. Look at incidence of multiple gestation pregnancy. Yes, it’s entirely possible that she’d have no problems if they waited, but looking at things honestly, the longer they wait, the harder it will be.
OP, these are my suggestions to you. First, like some other people mentioned, find a reputable OB and see if you can get any preliminary testing done. If it isn’t too expensive, knowing your ovarian reserve should definitely give you some more concrete facts about your timetable. Second, really talk with your husband about the reasons he doesn’t want to TTC now. Does he have financial / career goals he wants to meet first? Partying that he wants to get out of his system? Travel? Because you guys can work together to meet those goals in a timely manner. Or is it just that the whole idea of starting a family is too scary / too much responsibility / too limiting? If that is the case, ask him how that will be different 5 years from now. Because honestly, those things are going to be the case whether he becomes a dad at 30 or 35. (Except at age 30 he should have more energy to take care of young kids.)
If you have friends with kids, I’d also recommend hanging out with them more. I think once guys see that it can be done, it’s just a new normal, they can relax about it a bit. Does he have any siblings (or close cousins) with kids?
Post # 69
“His happiness does concern me, a lot. I don’t want him to ever be miserable, for any reason, especially one that I have a part in. I hate that this is a problem. That’s probably part of why it seems like I’ve resigned myself to going through the process without his support. I guess part of me feels like it’s what I deserve.”
Gross, this isn’t all about you and what you think you “deserve” – I just can’t get my head around this very selfish line of thinking especially when we’re discussing potential future human beings who would be wholly dependent on you on your husband!
If you want to go through with it without your husband’s support, you can woman up and divorce him, seek out a sperm bank, and raise your own children on your own. You can’t in good conscience drag him into it without his consent.
Post # 70
LLEU: Thank you for your thoughts, which reflect my feelings coming into this thread (maybe better than I expressed them myself). It’s not a perfect situation to begin TTC, but I don’t think it’s a deathknell either, and I am so surprised that there aren’t more women out there who have TTC with a reluctant (but willing) partner.
I am truly baffled that some of the more hurtful commenters on here see me as some evil, selfish, conniving woman who is about to trick her poor, unsuspecting husband into fatherhood, to the detriment of everyone’s well-being but her own. Maybe my posts were poorly worded, but Darling Husband and I have an incredible relationship- after six years, my heartrate still goes up when I hear his key in the door after a day of work. Neither of us can see a future without each other in it, and our JOINT vision for our future includes adding children to our family of two. But, because of my age and related biological realities, timing is tricky for us. Not TTC soon is not an option for either of us (unless a specialist tells us that I have fertility superpowers) because above all, we want to have babies with each other. Darling Husband wishes we didn’t have to TTC now, but is willing to do so because at the end of the day, the pros (having kids with me) outweigh the cons (loss of personal freedom for a few years) for HIM.
However, having more pros than cons doesn’t make those cons vanish, and I think in his case, the pros outweigh the cons by a smaller margin than most. Which is the reason I started this thread – I’m struggling with the fact my husband, while willing, is not enthusiastic about TTC, and sees more negative aspects than most. I don’t want him to be unhappy, I am worried about how this could potentially impact our relationship, and I am nervous about how his lack of enthusiasm will impact my own well-being during what can be a tough experience. Mixed in with this is my own fear of TTC, of the unknown, of giving up my life as I know it. I’m scared and need reassurance, he’s grumpy and negative, and despite the fact that we are both aligned to a common goal, the reality of it all makes me feel anxious.
Post # 71
Even if you start TTC today, it will likely be over a year before you actually have a newborn in the house. It takes most couples longer than 3 months to conceive, and then you’ve got 9 months of pregnancy. And really, the husband’s life doesn’t change ALL that much during pregnancy (as long as you don’t impose an “I can’t drink so neither can you!” rule, make him come to EVERY dr visit, etc.)
Post # 72
+1 I don’t understand the point of TTC with someone who clearly does not want children.
This should have been discussed before marriage. The decision to have kids or not is a dealbreaker.
Post # 73
I agree. Nobody should be forced into parenthood without their consent. I hate it when women do this.
Post # 74
MrsKittyFig: so I can relate to your situation, because my Darling Husband is almost two years younger than I am, and for a number of reasons he was afraid to have kids when our “agreed time” to TTC arrived. (While, at the same time, he loves kids, plays with them like crazy whenever we are around kids, and always told me he defo wanted a family.)
he talked about being worried about brith (due to traumatic stories his mother had told him about birth for his entrie life), worried about losing his freedom to travel with me and hang out with friends and spend money, etc, etc
I felt betrayed because I thought he was going back on his word (about when we would TTC). He had a great deal of difficulty articulating his thoughts and feelings on the matter and said some really annoying things, like your Darling Husband, which I have now wilfully forgotten. he kept saying I wasn’t really listening to him because I would get so upset that he was not ready to ttc. finally, I calmed down and decided to focus on whatever his problem was to make sure I actually understood him instead of just being reactive, so I asked him “what do you need from me right now to feel understood?” He had to think for a while. He had some trouble articulating things. Finally, his idea was that we talk to couples we know who have kids, some older, some younger, etc, about what it is like. everyone said it was so worth it, Darling Husband got the assurance he needed and became nervously excited about TTC. Once we finally started a month later than planned, he was every bit excited as I was for the BFP and sat beside me while we waited for the result of each test. Now that were pregnant, he is taking parenting classes, addressing his fears about birth and family dynamics (a lot of which had to do with his relationship with his dad), and he comes to every doctors appointment and scan. he is totally on board now. We delayed TTC for about a month while we focused on working through his issues, but it was worth it.
Post # 75
MrsKittyFig: People are totally over-reacting in this thread. Every relationship dynamic is different and they’re applying their standard to yours. Only YOU know your husband how and your relationship works and whether or not he truly wouldn’t be supportive of you during TTC.
My situation is almost identical to yours. I am 33 (going on 34 in Feb) and my husband is 30. He knows he wants kids in about 5 years but not right now. Hell, if I was 27 instead of almost 34, I’d want to wait another 5 years too. We’ve BOTH made comments like “our lives are going to be over” and “OMG, it’s going to suck to be fat.” He’s also made comments like “well, at least the one positive thing is that you’ll be my designated driver for 9 months.” Maybe those comments are offensive to people who can’t imagine talking about starting a family in a negative way, but that is just our banter and just because you are not enthusiastic about the whole experience doesn’t mean you won’t be emotionally supportive of your partner through it all and it also does not mean you are not emotionally ready for kids. I know my husband. If I had trouble getting pregnant, if I miscarried, if anything went wrong, he would be 110% there to comfort me and be there for me. There’s also no question that he’s going to be a great father. We understand that time is not on our side and that if I want 2 kids, I need to start soon.
Only you know your husband. There is a difference between making melodramatic comments about your life being over and not being emotionally supportive. If he is just a sarcastic person who is prone to making these comments but comes through on support when you need it, then I wouldn’t recommend waiting. You are not getting any younger. If he is truly not going to be supportive, then you should wait and figure things out w/ him.