Post # 1
Is there anyone out there who has experience of the Boyfriend or Best Friend, when it’s coming to be time, pulling back/out to the point where you’ve had enough and want to move out, but then he changes his mind?
Would a proposal be worth it if you had to move out – and would you feel he’d proposed because he wants you in his life forever and adores you, or would you feel he’d proposed because he was under pressure?
Is any of it worth it if he isn’t excited by the prospect of proposing to you and can’t wait to get married to you?
Would love your opinions please
Post # 3
I will be the one to say it- I honestly feel like men are, for the most part, clueless. And for a good number of them- they don’t understand how much getting married means to a woman much less themselves.
Moving out because he won’t crank the wheel, shouldn’t be taken as a bluff- some people really need to lose something before they realize how much they want it.
I feel like a woman who gives everything should also be giving a time limit to waiting. If you are living together, merging bank accounts, having children, being the emotional and physicaly (sex) support- there is NO reason to wait. And if a man is spending money on himself without regard for a woman waiting- she needs to put her foot down.
Post # 4
@armychica06: Well said.
I agree. I know I do a lot of wifely things for my Boyfriend or Best Friend, but it’s because I am looking forward to being married and doing these things. I know it’s coming, so I stay and keep doing them. If I felt like he thought that this is just what girlfriends do, and after talking with him he still felt that way, I would definitely prepare to move out.
I think moving out can definitely spur a proposal, if that’s what you want. However, I think that if I was forced to make that choice (I would never bluff; if I say I’m going to move out in X amount of days/months if you don’t express some kind of commitment, I mean I am out), and he came running at me with a ring right away, I would have to say no. I don’t want it to be a knee jerk reaction. I would make him deal with me not being there for it to really sink in, so that he understands the meaning being my gesture.
Or maybe I’m just a vindictive bitch. Whatevs.
Post # 5
I haven’t moved out for a proposal but it is certainly something I would do – my reason is that I think men get too comfortable with things a certain way and assume that women do too – so they might not want to or think they have to propose – they have everything they want right there now, why get married? My other reason is that a lot of relationship advice sites suggest that if you want to get married, don’t move in with men beforehand for just this reason.
I don’t think men do it to be mean, I honestly just think they don’t understand women. My So first said we’d get engaged when we’d been together a bit longer, then when he’d paid off more of the mortgage, and now by the time I am 30 – he has 2 years and believe me, if I turn 30 years old and one day and am not engaged I am moving out – it sounds harsh but he has moved the goal post 3 times now; how many excuses am I going to except before I realise it’s never going to happen?
I do see your point about feeling you’ve pushed him into it but I guess that’s a risk we women take
Post # 6
If I got to the point where I was moving out it’s already too late. Once I’m done, I’m done. But that’s just me.
Post # 7
Guys don’t play games like women do. If you move out, he’s going to take it at face value and see a logical reason: that the relationship is on its way to an end.
I don’t know your backstory, but have you just sat down and told him “I want to get married, I want x, y, and z in my life.” I find a lot of women play these games, but they never flat-out tell their boyfriend what they think/want. Guys don’t do guessing games or hints well, they like facts.
Post # 8
@abbyful: agreed – my now Fiance told me when I said I was thinking of moving out once that he would see that as us being over. And to not expect him to call or show up at my door begging for me to come back!
@weeble78: Do you talk to him about how you feel? You can’t expect him to know that you want to get married or that you are unhappy unless you are open about it. I know a lot of posters on here purposefully stay away from the topics of weddings, engagment, marriage and rings with their boyfriends and then are eternally frustrated and threaten moving out when really….they just need to TALK ABOUT IT because HE DOESNT KNOW what she wants.Most of them really have no idea how badly their girlfriends want to get married, and they are not even opposed to the idea…but if she isn’t bringing it up, a lot of them don’t think about it.
If you are talking about it and he is refusing to propose or he flat out said he is not going to ever get married, then perhaps that is a separate issue and you have to decide what is best for you. I do not think that moving out helps things along…a lot of men view that as “she left, so it must be over”.
Post # 9
I did the reverse- I wouldn’t move in until he proposed. I had grad school in Annapolis and a townhouse there, he lived and worked 35 mins away. He really wanted me around more and didn’t like that we were both paying rent. It’s been 3 months since he proposed and he still brings up, from time to time, how he wished I moved in sooner. Things worked out perfectly.
Post # 10
Just to clarify for people who haven’t read other threads I’ve made, here’s the short version:
After 3 months of being together, he told me I was the one he wants to marry and be with forever – we agreed on that both the same.
After 6 months we started talking moving in. I said I would only move in on the preface that it’s towards getting engaged and we would get engaged soon within moving in. No timeline.
After moving in, a month later I brought up getting engaged, he told me he wanted it to be the biggest surprise of my life and so not to talk about it. That was in Dec 2010.
Oct 2011 I sat him down and had a proper timeline talk – we’d had many kids/marriage/wedding talks and I wanted something more concrete. We agreed to get engaged by the end of 2011 and married in 2012.
This didn’t happen. He has since told me he wanted to get engaged AND married this year. He has not saved a penny, he thinks it’s too soon, he doesn’t like that we sometimes have arguments, it will be expensive – these are all the things I heard from him yesterday.
I am tired of committing at a certain level, when what we agreed on was that I wouldn’t be a live-in girlfriend. That is what has happened.
I would be moving out because I am ready to move on. I have always wanted to marry him and build a family together, but I feel he is procrastinating as he has done over everything we’ve ever done. I have compromised myself and lived for over a year in a position I never wanted to again. Boyfriend or Best Friend has NO solid plans or intent other than to keep saying leave it to me, I want it to be a surprise. I have already been unconsciously distancing myself from him and it is hurting that he doesn’t love me enough to get excited about the fact we could get married. It also hurts me that he has told me things, promised me things, and then reneged on them.
Post # 11
From a total stranger’s POV, who obviously knows nothing about your relationship, it seems like moving in with someone after only knowing them for 6 months is really soon. He might think that you guys moved too fast in your relationship and is trying to put on the brakes before diving into marriage. He honestly just may not be ready but is too afraid to tell you that b/c he doesn’t want to lose you. If you’re already distancing yourself from him then moving out may be the best thing to do. You’ve already made it clear to him what your needs, wants and expectations for the relationship are. I don’t see moving out as a game, but more of a thing that you’ve gotta do to take care of yourself.
Post # 12
I see that as emotional manipulation, like a test. If you have to move out to get a guy to prove he is serious and wants to make a bigger commitment, is that really what you want to be doing the rest of your life, going to extreme measures to get your way or get your point across?
Remember that movie “The Break-Up” with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn? She dumps him hoping that it will scare him into being the boyfriend she wants, and plays all these games to try and get him to see how wrong he was, but really all he sees is that he’s been dumped. He starts the moving on process. Then when she decides she wants to just stop playing games and be real with him, it’s too late and the relationship is too far gone to fix anything.
Post # 13
Weeble78: I’m going to completely support you on this. You’ve made it clear to your bf that marriage is important to you and he hasn’t done anything to show you that he is serious.
Post # 14
@weeble78: Even DR.PHIL’s wife Robin did this or atleast said if he didn’t put a ring on it she was leaving him…and how many years later is it….they look pretty happy to me !
Post # 15
I would move out and stop waiting. Been there, done that. I kept feeling like it was a line that just kept moving and moving for many excuses (kind of like when you teach kids to swim and say “swim to me” and keep inching backwards to “trick” them into going further). Finally we moved away (after 3 years living together) to take time to evaluate….the relationship kept going south, no proposal ever came. I won’t lie – I was absolteuly devastated for several months and second guessed my decision 1000 times and was sure I made the wrong decision.
A year later (and boy it was tough year!), I met a wonderful guy….things with him happened pretty quickly (granted, we’re both in our mid-30s) and now we’re engaged. I realized – it should be EASY to get to next steps, not a struggle or debate or ultimatimum. Someone told me you should be with a guy who would go slay a dragon to be with you – I realized my ex, by keeping waiting for a proposal when he knew I wanted it – was not that guy, and tt has been SO much more wonderful this time around with it being so easy in comparison. I wish I could tell everyone that if it’s hard to get to that next step, there is something wrong and stop waiting! You don’t want to marry someone that you “forced” into it…in anyway – trust me – it might be great for a while and for all the wedding hype, but in the long run, it will haunt you (at this age, now am seeing lots of friends getting divorced or very unhappy because of how they got to marriage 5+ years ago)
Oh, and whatever you do, if you do move out, please take my advice – do NOT get back together until he actually shows up with a ring…not just a promise of one – trust me – in a few months, there is a high probability you will be back to where you started
Post # 16
So…you move out and he proposes. Then what? Do you move back in and wait for a wedding? Do you go to the courthouse the very next day and get married?