Not have a Good relationship with your Dad & his new wife?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 5
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Oh, that’s terrible.

I was very upset when my dad remarried, but my dad was never rude to me at all. And as lame and passive aggressive/bullyish (to my youngest sister) as my step mom is, she isn’t a patch on yours. We have slowly created something like a family after some difficult years. 

I’m really sorry to hear that’s happening to you. ๐Ÿ™

Post # 6
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@BrideToBe14:  I sort of have the same problem.  We live in different states so we basically don’t have a relationship anymore.

One thing though is its your dads responsibility to foster your relationship.  As much as you want to blame his wife ultimately it is him that allows it.

Post # 7
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@BrideToBe14:  Sweetie, I’m sorry but as much as your Dad’s new wife might suck, he’s a big boy and responsible for his own behavior and choices. 

I can’t believe that a grown man who felt the need to tell his daughter he loved his new wife more than he ever did her or her Mom was Dad of the century before new wife came on the scene. 

Your Dad sounds selfish and immature and kinda cruel. Have the best relationship with him that you can and don’t make it a competition with his new wife or attack her because you won’t win. You can dislike her for her bad behavior and she may be an unfortunate influence on your Dad but at the end of the day, he is his own person and 100% responsible for his own choices! words and actions.

Want to get under new wife’s skin? Ignore her rudeness, her snottiness. Rise above and be kind, polite And helpful.  Don’t give her a shred of ammunition against you or anything to bitch about to your Dad. 

Post # 11
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

@BrideToBe14:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this! What a terrible thing for your dad to say to you. I wouldn’t want my father and his b**** to come to the wedding after how they’ve treated you. You don’t deserve it.

Post # 12
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@BrideToBe14:  I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this ,and that your dad is being so thoughtless. Your relationship with him SHOULD NOT be able to be compared to that of his wife – and it’s rude of him to say he loves her more than he loves you or your mom. Think about it this way, I love my two dogs. But I also love my partner, Dr Ruth, and my mom. But I love them all in different ways.

That all said, I get it. I’m not sure with my dad if it is his current wife, or if it’s a slow progression. FWIW, my dad is on wife #3 (my mom was #1). Basically, his current wife adn her 4 kids are the most important things in his world… and then if he has time, maybe he thinks of me. I live a little over an hour from my dad, and he is not convenient to most other places I go. the last few times I have gone out of my way to make plans with him, he cancels last minute or stands me up. And if I suggest he come to me? *snort* Not gonna happen. You’d think he would need a plane to do that. My dad and his wife allow her youngest daughter to live with them (And I don’t begrudge her anything), but they also [1] pay many of her bills, [2] pay for her to go to college, [3] have paid off medical bills, etc. I get none of that (And she and I are the same age, so it’s not like she’s younger). Now, I’m not asking them to pay my bills. I just want them to occasionally be in touch with me. It’d be nice if they’d acknowlege my accomplishments, but I’m okay without that I guess.

When my uncle passed away (he’d gone to high school with both my father and his wife – but I didn’t know that he and my step mom knew each other), I tried so hard to let my dad know. My uncle was not ill, and I don’t want to get into it but let’s just say his death hit everyone in my family quite hard and dealing with the police was very difficult. I felt my dad shoudl know. Many phone calls went unanswered or responded to. I texted. I emailed. Due to the circumstances, teh funeral wasn’t right away. I had to go to my dad’s house MULTIPLE times and literally leave a huge note. I didn’t want to tell him that way that my Uncle died. I ended up doing it on voicemail (I didn’t say that exactly, but that there was a serious health issue – and that I was okay but it was pertinent that he call back). 

It’s taken time, but I have no need to try to go out of my way for them. They have their life, and I have mine. I have my wonderful mom who for most of my life acted as mom and dad. I’m lucky to have my step father who is so supportive and loving. I could spend teh rest of my life hoping that my father will act like a parent, but I doubt that will happen. I’m through trying to reach out again and again, and then being disappointed. If he comes around – great. If not, my life is still fabulous.

Post # 12
2 posts
  • Wedding: October 2023

BrideToBe14:  Hey. I just went through something horrible today with the w***e of a wife my so-called-guy-who-donated-sperm-for-me-to-be-a-person, and I was like searching the internet to see if somewhere in the world, there are people as horrible as she is. And man, she is exactly like the one your father married.


Long story short, he separated from my mom about 14 years ago, never looked for me, ignored me, acted like I did exist [ which was because of her, he cheated on my mom], and now we somehow were in touch again and I thought about giving him a chance, but he only says that my mom gave me such a poor education, and that I am so rude, and he wouldn’t have raised me this way, and I don’t want to brag, or anything, but everyone who has met me knows it is clearly not that case. I am proud of the way my mother raised me, and he only complains about me asking him for money to pay for my STUDIES and have some pocket money which, by law, am entitled to. So today I went by to see him, and she was there, and started yelling at me, and saying all awful words like I am so arrogant, and I’ve been raised so bad, that she raised her kid so well [ yep, that kid doesn’t even know who his father is, so… imagine that ], and all talking about my allegedly “poor” education. Right. Because I am a normal young adult who never drinks, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t even smoke, I don’t go clubbing, I prefer reading and writing, but hell, I had such an awful education, because apparently “why did I go to college if I’m not capable of paying for it myself?”.

So… I am sorry, I don’t know you, but what I went through today I wouldn’t wish to anyone, never. So I feel you. And I’m sorry.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  M.Miller.
Post # 13
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

 If your dad is treating you like this cut off all contact with him. Just cause he has a new wife doesnt give him the right to treat you this way. 

Post # 14
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - backyard in the woods

I could have written your post, and then some. You are not alone in this circumstance. My dad’s wife (notice I didn’t say stepmother) is a real peach as well. It’s heartbreakingly sad how I’ve gone from a total daddy’s girl to barely having a relationship with him. this woman even told my brother at our mother’s funeral, “Don’t worry, she wasn’t a good mother anyways”, got my husband arrested for something he didn’t do the weekend before our wedding (he’s never even had a speeding ticket FYI) and hit my mentally ill teenage brother, just to give you an idea what she’s like.

I refuse have this desructive woman in my life, and she won’t let my dad do anything alone (she’s super posseive of him). I’ve seen him alone literally 3x in 6 years. She’s also had 5 previous husbands and all of them have died!! I try my best to shut up and avoid her at group family functions, and choose to not attend immediate family ones. I make ones for just my brothers, our spouses and I instead. I tried to make it work, but it just wasn’t worth the stress. My dad totally disrepects and disregards our (my brothers and I) feelings in any matter where she’s involved. I have very little respect left for him. I still love him, but our relationship has been severely damaged.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. The best advice I have is don’t engage with her, tell your Dad how you feel, and then let it be. Your dad, and mine are adults capable of making their own choices (poor as they may be), but so are you, and you have the right to choose whether you want this woman in your life, and whether the loss of a relationship with your father is worth it. For me it was.


Post # 15
1 posts

You are not mom passed away 4 years ago on the 24th of this month.  My dad met and moved in with his now wife that he met online 2 months later.  At first, we got along great.  She showered my daughter with gifts and attention, and forced my dad to be more involved in our lives. (He lived in our same town for 2 years while my mom was alive, and never once came to see me or his grand daughter).  When I became pregnant with my son, she drove me to all of my doctor appointments, refusing to let me drive because I was a high risk pregnancy.  She even drove me to a high risk doctor 2 hours away.  We talked on the phone constantly, and I ate up all the attention- it was like having a mother of my own again.  She owned several storage lockers with extra furniture she said she would never use, and off loaded them on to us as she would “never need them” One day, I made a post on Facebook about my mother in law and how she had helped me through when my mom was sick.  She had always been my rock, and I laid it all out for her telling her this.  Almost overnight, my stepmother’s personality split.  I was no longer welcome in her home, when I called I was bothering her and my dad, when I asked if she wanted to watch the kids, the answer was always no.  Toys and clothes that she had kept at her house for when the kids stayed over started coming back to our house.  Tired of walking on eggshells, I picked up the phone one day and called my dad.  He immediately handed the phone to super witch-she let loose a barrage of insults that still brings tears to my eyes, and I remember at the end of it all I was speechless and all I got out was “Family doesn’t treat each other this way.”  She had the phone on speaker the entire time, and not once did my father try to stop it, intervene, or come to my defense.  2 months later, after no contact with my dad or stepmother at all, I received a hand written letter from her in the mail.  It outlined even more reasons why I was a horrible human being, I was pretty much worthless, and was terrible to my father.  I was told that they had gotten married without me there, she was now my stepmother, and I should just deal with it.  I went the past 2 years without speaking to that woman, during those two years, I saw my father twice, talked to him on the phone maybe 3 times.  Of those 3 times, 100% of them were to make me feel bad about not calling him, and telling me to reconcile with his wife.  My dad had knee surgery about 4 months ago, during which he got blood clots in his lungs and almost died.  My brother and sister were at his bedside, I never visited.  It was at that moment I decided that having a relationship with my father was more important, even if forced, than carrying regret with me the rest of my life.  So one day, I invited my dad and his wife to lunch with my 2 kids and I.  Since then, I have been on speaking terms with her, but my relationship with both her and my dad will never be the same.  I honestly feel that the dad I had when my mother was alive died with her.

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