Post # 1
We hear a lot from people who can’t wait to get married and start a family, but what about you girls who aren’t planning to have kids? Yes, we all know plans can change, but is anyone else out there who doesn’t feel it’s for them? How did you know? How did you and your SO decide?
In my case, I have never felt like it was something I wanted. I feel like it’s something you just *know* you want, innately. My mom + family keep telling me to “just wait” and “you’ll see”… like one day I’ll just wake up baby crazy (pardon the term), but I’m already 28 and I just don’t see it happening. Fiance and I talked about it many times, as far back as a few months into the relationship (we’ve been together 7 years next week). From the start I knew he was the one and didn’t want to get too involved if we wanted different things. He does want kids, but says he’d rather have me without kids than have kids without me. (Awww). So we’ve decided on travel instead of children. Not that the two are necessarily mutually exclusive – they just are for us.
Post # 3
right now Fiance and I are on the fence… i feel like we could go either way.
I was always the type that thought i’d never have kids… in college when my friends/roomates would always talk about having kids and i was “the girl” that was like “hells no”. I didn’t grow up with young kids around me (no cousins or anything) so i’m terribly uncomfortable around babies and kids and i just don’t consider myself the maternal type. Fiance is horribly unpatient and jokes that he couldn’t have the patience for a crying baby or a bratty 7 yr old.
BUT Fiance grew up with babies and small children around him (he has tons of aunts/ uncles with children) and he is VERY comfortable.. seems natural to him. and people i talk to are always surprised that i’m unsure of kids because they think i’m very loving and would make a great mom..hmm funny.
i know i can’t say we are 100% sure we DON’T want kids but i can’t say 100% the opposite either. We both just “don’t know”.. its not really a decision you can back out on either so i feel like you should *know* one way or the other.
we are 27.. i guess we still have alot of time to figure it out. who knows.
Post # 4
My husband and I don’t have desires for kids right now. I’m honestly terrified of them and the thought of having to clean up someone’s throwup, poop, and messes around the house grosses me out. Occassionally, I have little fantasies about wouldn’t it be nice to have a baby but the reality of it really doesn’t appeal to me right now.
Post # 5
I was one of the “Do not want kids” people… For sure… Then I met Mr. DG and things changed. Several of my friends stuck to their guns and are not planning for children (and are actively avoiding it with permanent birth control solutions). I don’t know why I changed… maybe it was being a pediatrician and interacting with kids all day. A part of me wanted to be stubborn and continue down the childless path, but I had to acknowledge that this was something I wanted in my life.
I’m sure my mom is thrilled!
Post # 6
We’re on the fence, too. Sometimes I think about how freakin’ amazing it is that two people can create life, and then they raise that kid with all the knowledge they have and greatly influence them. The greater picture, I guess is what I’m referring to.
But then I think about how hard it can be. Money issues (they’re so expensive! Especially college … ), needing a bigger house, catering to their every need, not having a life of your own, etc. That stuff worries me. Being a mom who’s only identity is being a mom is probably one of my greatest fears. My husband keeps telling me, “We won’t be child-obsessed parents” but I dunno, I feel like it can’t be helped 🙂
So, we’ve onviously talked about it a ton, and we’ve decided that each other is more than enough for a lifetime, and if we change our minds, we’ll go for it, but that we’ll definitely be older parents (mid to late 30s or possibly 40s). We absolutely love our free lifestyle right now with only the dog and cats depending on us, and I have no desire right now to give that up for hectic mornings. But, like I said, we’re open to it, but neither of us will be upset if we never want to make it happen.
Post # 7
@Mrs DG – I think it’s great that you’ve decided it’s something you want in your life – no reason to deny yourself out of principle, you know? I mean what principle would that be anyway? And yeah I bet mom is happy.
@MissAsB – I feel very similar. Although we do have 2 cats which forces me to deal with poop and puke way more than anyone should have to.
@krissy – I’m sure if you changed your mind, you’d be a great mom. But i totally get what you’re saying. And you do have plenty of time – my mom had me when she was 30, my sister when she was 35.
Post # 8
My fiance and I are 100% sure we don’t want kids…and families, friends, and even co-workers are relentless about trying to convince us that we do want kids! We love other people’s kids, and we are going to be an amazing aunt and uncle when my brother has kids, but we just don’t want the responsibility. We like our carefree lifestyle. Everyone tells us we are going to change our minds, but I am 31 and he is 34 and I think we would know by now if we wanted children!
Post # 9
The same way other people say they’ve known they’ve wanted kids since they were very young… that’s how I’ve felt about not having kids. As long as I can remember, I’ve been pretty secure in knowing I don’t want them… My partner initially didn’t want them, but has started to get a little bit of baby fever as we’ve gotten more domestic and he edges in on thirty. I’ve talked to him seriously, though, and he admits there is no way he’d be the tyoe of partner I’d want or need – he’s not even willing to go in for 50% of the responsibility. At least he’s honest enough to come to grips with that, and decide what’s really more important.
People tell me I’ll change my mind and I’m 27 so there is still time for that, but I doubt it. It’s not that I don’t think I could handle the responsibility or that I’m scared. I’m perfectly aware of the challenges and could deal with them if I wanted to… I just don’t want to… maybe this is really harsh, but I just don’t see what the upside is.
Post # 10
Right now we are in the NO camp, and very happy with that. We just got our contract accepted on our house (less than an hour ago) and so now we’re going to be broke for the next 30 years lol. I love it being just me, him, our dog, cat, and fish. we will revisit that when I’m 30 and see if we still feel the same way. My boss and her husband don’t have any kids and they go on vacation like 5 times a year, at this point that’s what we want too
Post # 11
We aren’t planning on having kids either – I have been on both sides of the fence but now I am on the no thanks – I am like you SweetAdelineXO we would rather travel and enjoy each other. I am heading into my mid thirties and I also think time is a factor – I don’t want to have a kid going to university around the same time I would be retiring. I know it might sound selfish but I think it is smarter to be honest with yourself rather than have a kid just to have a kid and resent the child later. My Future Mother-In-Law would love for us to have kids – we are her only chance for grandkids and every month I think she is wishing I get knocked up but it just isn’t what we want – we did give her a fur grandbaby which I told her from the start is all she is getting.
I am getting sick of people asking us when we are having babies (we aren’t even married yet) and feeling like I have to explain my reasoning and when I bring the up the age thing they say well my sisters friends aunt just had a baby at 42 – and I saw good for her – that is obviously something she wanted … I don’t *phew little vent there sorry*
Post # 12
interesting topic…I was waiting for it, but was too chicken to bring it up:))
Well, no kids for us either. I’m going to be an aunt soon and that is just perfect for me. I’m almost 32 and my husband just turned 34 and we’ve been together for over 10 years and got married last July. We’ve never considered kids part of our life. And the resons are not because kids are messy or noisy or take away from your independence…no, our reasons are different…there’s things we completely dislike about the type of society we’ve built (with minor exceptions, of course). Having a kid would mean I become dependent on a society I don’t agree with – so, I refuse to do it. There’s too much greed and selfishness all around and too much harm is inflected on the planet to support us. It’s a very personal decision, with pros and cons both ways. What’s important is that both of us think along the same lines and are increasigly content with our decision.
Post # 13
It’s looking like we will not our own kids but we may adopt. If that doesn’t happen I honestly would be okay with not having them too.
Post # 14
@Pammyd + @Entangled – I think it’s really interesting that you both mention feeling selfish, or that it’s “harsh” to say out loud that you don’t want to take on all that responsibility. I’ve felt that way too at times, but I wonder if it’s valid. Is it selfish for me to want to enjoy my time and my life on my terms? It *would* be selfish to behave this way if I did have children, but I don’t, so who am I being selfish towards? An interesting thought.
@mandM I see your point there and I agree. I’ve also had a bit of that “What kind of a society am I bringing this child into?” feeling. But I get the idea that every generation feels that way to some extent. It’s a great point though.
Post # 15
i’m glad to see some people respond here! I feel like my husband and I are very much on the fence, though we both say “someday”. but i’ll admit, both of us sound like we’re just going through the motions when we say it. Does that make sense? Kind of like what we’d say if someone asks if we want to go to Russia. Sure, that sounds interesting someday.. but i’d rather go to Mexico, all islands of the caribbean, england, france, italy, greece, egypt, morocco, colombia, peru, etc before Russia. I wouldn’t be sad if I didn’t get to Russia at this point.
Even now that we’re married! i might get the spark… occasionally. We’ll have to see in a few years when I’m older. Or if i get sick of birth control and accidentally get knocked up, whichever comes first.
Post # 16
Oh, I agree that it’s not a bad kind of selfish to not have kids. Maybe it’s self-centered to say “hey, no kids, more time and money for me and my partner” but it’s not bad to live your life in the way you want when no one is harmed by it. What I thought might be harsh is my saying “wait, what’s the good part?”
Actually, the having/not having is selfish argument annoys me. Either neither decision is selfish or both are. Not making the decision that you want (i.e. making it because other people pressure you one way or the other) is what’s really unhealthy and likely to lead to a bad situation.