Anyone been at this point? (Dating)

posted 1 week ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - New England

It sounds like you’re in a great place! 

I don’t think it sounds like you’re letting fear hold you back.  Personally, I think your attitude is healthy. You’ve worked hard to build a life that you love and, understandably, you’re protective of it. You want to make sure that you don’t give it up for some guy that’s not worth your time. That’s not fear, that’s healthy skepticism. 

I think if you meet a great guy and refuse to pursue it just because of previous relationships that went went wrong, that might be conisered ‘letting fear hold you back’. That’s not what this sounds like at all at this point. 

Post # 3
Member
650 posts
Busy bee

“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?”

 

Girl, you are in a good place.  Keep living your best life, confidence is sexy. Sounds like your past experiences have taught you to have healthy boundaries, not fear.

Post # 4
Member
7774 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’d much, much rather be happy on my own than miserable with someone else. After my divorce I was quite content and not at all focused on dating or the possibility of ever marrying again. And then I met someone. 

A friend used to say “it takes a hell of a man to beat no man at all”. Live your best life and if someone worthwhile comes along–great, if not it’s okay. 

Post # 5
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

Don’t let your friend’s negativity bring you down! You sound like you are happy and thriving. Society sends women messages from the minute they’re born telling them they’ll need a relationship (specifically, a man) to have a full and complete life. You’ve discovered that’s bullshit, but your friend may still find it hard to believe. Don’t doubt yourself! Keep living your best life.

Post # 6
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee

Someone who is fully content with their life as a single person is in the best possible position to date.  If you’re content with your life as a singleton, you’re not going to date unsuitable guys or ignore red flags in relationships because you’re so desperate to settle down.  And someone who is content with their own company tends to be very attractive company to others.  

Speaking as someone who was a contented single for many years and who had a lot of people criticising me for it, I think society as a whole has an issue with any woman who is happily single.  The idea that marriage and motherhood are the only ‘true’ goals for a woman is so engrained in society, that many people have difficulty accepting someone who is truly content without those things.  But I think it is a very positive place to be.  Being happily single means you are only going to choose marriage/motherhood if and when it is right for you, instead of just desperately rushing into unwise commitments.  So ignore your friend’s negative comments and keep enjoying the contentment of your life.

Post # 7
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

If you’re happy I don’t think you are fearful!  I think it’s so wonderful that you have made a life you love.  That’s what matters, and it also means you are secure in yourself and only good can come from that.  What a great post, bee!

Post # 8
Member
13785 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I think you’re doing what a lot more women ought to do from the start which is screening out anyone who sets off your radar. In any case you barely know these men and owe them nothing. No red flags up front is no guarantee either but by setting high standards you risk less and have a lot more to gain. 

That doesn’t mean being unreasonably picky, but good character is never a place to compromise. 

Post # 9
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

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@shortbread0410:  This is wonderful! Go you! 

 

In my opinion, you can only love someone else if you love yourself first. And it sounds like you’ve achieved just that! It’s better to go out into the dating pool knowing that you don’t need anyone to complete you, but looking for someone who will complement you and bring you added happiness. I think this confidence and security will also be immensely attractive to others and hopefully you’ll find real chemistry with someone who makes you really happy. 

Post # 10
Member
600 posts
Busy bee

Wow….your current outlook is one of the healthiest I’ve ever read on this site! Seriously, I’d give anything to have been this content and at peace with myself at twenty-nine!

I’ve definitely felt this way, not in relation to dating specifically, but career-wise, relationship-wise and even health-wise, absolutely. You’re wondering what’s missing because you feel like….nothing’s missing. It’s just that your version of “happiness” looks different than what we have been conditioned to expect, so you’re doubting it. Our culture has given us the message from birth that we can’t possibly be fulfilled without a partner, so any time you spend alone should be defined by the quest to find a husband/boyfriend. This is SUCH bullshit. In my experience, it’s when you’re confident and at peace with where you’re at, that’s when real opportunities come along, because you’re in the right frame of mind to take advantage of them. Your friend might be trying to be helpful, but honestly, I think all you need is to stop looking for a problem where no problem exists. Like my mother says, “Don’t buy trouble.”

Congratulations ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 12
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@shortbread0410:  I’m trying to give your friend benefit of the doubt and hope she was truly trying to be helpful, but she was not helpful. Nothing you said about your outlook right now sounds fearful. On the contrary, you sound very happy and healthy. This is absolutely the best position to be dating from — happy with yourself, open to allowing in others who will add value to your life, and blocking out those who bring you down. Everyone should be so lucky! (Not “lucky” — it takes self-reflection and work, but you know what I mean) Best wishes to you.

Post # 15
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
@shortbread0410: I reached that point before I met my husband. I didn’t actually want to start a new relationship but it was too perfect to walk away from just because I liked being on my own

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