Post # 1
We are planning to tell our families Fathers Day weekend.
Darling Husband and I are both 36 and have been married about 18 months.
We started trying after 12 months of marriage but it took 8 excruciating long cycles.
We had to see a fertility Dr and have several tests, bloodwork, procedures done.
We fortunately got pregnant naturally before starting IUI but we (me specifically) am very sensitive to infertility.
I have mentioned that I would be disappointed if we received comments like “well it took long enough!” or “finally!” from any of our family members. And he said “well, in that case, I guess we shouldn’t tell my stepmother”. Which is the exact person I was thinking of and the exact response I think she’ll have. I would put money on the fact that she will make some remark about how long we “waited” to get pregnant. As if it was intentional.
Is there a response to something like that? This woman is not my cup of tea and never has been but after dealing with months of heartbreak and negative HPTs and just talking with women who have been through IVF and years of infertility…. I want to shut down a remark like that immediately. It gets my blood boiling now so I don’t know if I’ll be able to do my usual “nod and smile” routine if she starts making ignorant jokes.
Post # 2
You seem very sensitive? You tried for a very limited amount of time… idk.
Post # 3
highstrungmomtobe : I think in reality while 8 months may have seemed long to you, it is not as long as some mothers have had to try for a baby (especially naturally). I think in some terms you may just want to go with the flow. I dont’ think in anyway you’re going to like what she has to say, but you’re going to have to deal with it regardless.
If she says something along the lines of took long enough I would let your husband answer and just say I guess it did or that you didn’t realize she had a timer on. In her mind she may have thought you were trying from the moment you were married (so 18 months to her) when it has only been 8 months.
Post # 4
I don’t think there needs to be any focus put on someone saying “finally” or something of the sort. You ARE pregnant, so it’s not as if they are really poking at anything. Who cares what they say. Everyone has their own timeline for other people’s lives. Just be happy you’re expecting!
Post # 5
Is he close with her? Can he tell her that you are sensitive about it because you had a stressful time getting pregnant?
If he’s not close enough to her to confide in her, I think you should try to prepare for the comments so you can let them roll off of your shoulders. I would think it would be a comment that happened once when you announce and hopefully she won’t make it some kind of ongoing thing
Post # 6
You have the power to let comments affect you or not. Especially if you’re expecting it, you can prepare yourself to let it roll off. She doesn’t know you’ve been struggling, so surely she doesn’t mean any harm. I don’t think it’s necessary to make a comment to her, or respond, unless you want to be really open and let her know it took you awhile because you were struggling…most people don’t really think about that.
Although, 18 months of marriage isn’t a long time. Most couples I know wait a least a year before they think about kids. Maybe you can avoid her comment altogether.
Post # 7
Is it unusual in your family that people wait to get pregnant after getting married, that she would say something like this? 18 months post-marriage isn’t that long to go before having kids in my circle, so I wouldn’t even expect a comment like that.
All questions aside, it almost seems like you’re already offended over a comment that hasn’t been made. If you are pretty sure it’s coming, my advice is to just ignore the comment and pretend it was never said or brush over it with a joke.
I mean this kindly, too, but as someone who would’ve loved to get pregnant in just 8 cycles and without assistance, I suggest that you might want to be careful about to whom you complain about your length of ttc to. You might inadvertently hurt a friend who tried/is trying for a lot longer.
Post # 8
jannigirl : Yes, I am very sensitive when it comes to this woman bc she has a history of saying rude and insensitive comments.
8 months isn’t not as long as others have tried, but at 36, we went through all of the initial infertility testing and procedures, we were diagnosed with “unexplained infertility” and told that our next step was 3 rounds of IUI.
It’s more the principle of her making inconsiderate comments and not ever being challenged or held accountable for who she offends.
Post # 9
I’m very sure it’s coming b/c it has been years of inappropriate comments and no one ever says anything. My husband is non confrontational and won’t entertain her rudeness.
I realize and have friend who’ve tried for years and undergone rounds of retrieval so I’m not under the impression that 8 months is long in comparison to others. However, for myself, it was a dark period of time towards the end with all the Dr appointments and testing…. so I am sensitive to comments like “FINALLY!” because we would have loved to have been pregnant months beforehand, it just didn’t work out that way.
Post # 10
highstrungmomtobe : when people that I don’t feel comfortable putting in their place say rude shit to me I just settle on a long confused stare and then change the subject/walk away. Some people get a rise out of being offensive so just don’t give it to her. I wouldn’t go down the path of explaining why other people who struggle with infertility would find her comment offensive since you didn’t actually go through infertility – it took me 2 years of trying and ultimately IVF to get pregnant with my daughter and trust me, tell people my story hasn’t make most people less rude or insensitive.
Post # 11
kiram : We’re in the south and when H and I were just dating, I was quizzed at the dinner table about whether I wanted children. When I answered “Sure, at some point I’d love kids”. The response was “How old are you?”. When I responded “33”, their remark was “Oh, well some point better come sooner rather than later, huh?”.
At every holiday someone asks about children and our plans. It’s pretty relentless b/c his family isn’t big on college educations and lots of children out of wedlock in 20s, which I think is fine, but tends to make H and I look like we’re waiting forever.
I’m just over the rude comments. I’m was raised with a certain amount of etiquette and decorum when it comes to celebrating engagements, pregnancies, etc. Just say congratulations, we’re so excited, how wonderful… there are dozens of nice comments you can make without making us feel like we fked someone’s schedule.
Post # 12
I would probably just say “Huh???” and look very confused like you have no idea what she’s referring to. Any explanation she offered would also be met with “what?!” or “what do you mean?!” Hopefully having to overexplain her “joke” or rude remark will take the wind out of her sails.
Post # 13
My response would be something like “Yeah, almost as long as it’s taking for you to kick the bucket.”
But probably not advisable.
Post # 14
highstrungmomtobe : “We recently started trying for a baby…Anyone want any refreshments?” and just change the subject. I dont like ppl prying into why i did things or when i did and etc. Just be vague.
Post # 15
I just wouldn’t tell her. Try to enjoy the pregnancy but I wouldn’t announce it to everyone so she gets attention for her dumb comments. Let others know privately and if she asks why you didn’t tell her or asks if you are you can tell her yes we are expecting.