anyone "brace themselves" for rude comments from family when announcing?

posted 1 month ago in Pregnancy
Post # 16
Member
6016 posts
Bee Keeper

First, congratulations!!

Just tell her you and your hubs wanted to be able to have as much newlywed sex as you could before becoming parents. 

Some families are very direct and joke with one another about anything and everything. Some are more proper and respectful of appropriate boundaries. It doesn’t sound as if stepmother is going away and you’re not likely to change her. The only thing you can change is through what filter you let her comments impact you. “Oh, she’s socially awkward, poor woman” can be easier to get past than “Oh, she’s so fucking rude and inappropriate to ME”. 

Post # 17
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Well it may not do you many favors with your in-laws (or your husband), but there’s no law that says you have to be polite to people who are rude to you.  Here are my suggested responses if she says something like “finally!” or “It’s about time!”: 

“I wasn’t aware we were holding you up.”

“That’s a rude thing to say.”

“Many couples deal with infertility, ourselves included. I think you should be more sensitive to that, and keep your comments either congratulatory or to yourself.”

I’d probably just do an exaggerated eyeroll and conspiratorial smile at my husband, and then if she notices and comments on it, say something like, “pay up, hubby! I bet him $5 you would say something like that.”

Post # 18
Member
6045 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I guess I wouldn’t even want to let her know that there had been a delay in TTC. It would sound like you were trying to keep things on her timetable but were unable to. Instead, I’d want her to think we did things exactly when we wanted to – on OUR schedule instead of hers. So if she says, “It took long enough” I’d reply, “Good thing we’re doing things on OUR schedule and not yours!” I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of telling her there was any delay (because then she’ll probably harp on your age).

Post # 19
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I would probably try to make her feel bad like the petty little monster I am. I hate when people make comments like this when so many people have infertility problems, telling her that will hopefully prevent her from making more rude comments to anyone else in the future.

Post # 20
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

highstrungmomtobe :  Honestly, right now the real estate you are giving her in your head, is only affecting you, not her.  

You are pregnant!!!  Congratulations!!  Nothing she says can take that away from you!

Honestly, I think it would be better for you if you just ignore any rude comments she makes, but you do have the right to put your foot down if she makes one.  Just tell her that she’s being rude.  Call her out. 

 

Post # 21
Member
760 posts
Busy bee

If she says ‘Finally!’, you could always respond with ‘Yes! Finally! And now you can FINALLY stop asking!’

Post # 22
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

highstrungmomtobe :  My sister copped a heap of shit from people when she announced. But, she had only been with her lad for 6 months before they started trying, he worked FIFO 4/1 (away 4 weeks, home 1), didn’t live together, so everyone was like “wtf what are you doing….”

But it all worked out in the end, sort of, but she vowed to wait until she was engaged or married before announcing number two to avoid the same looks of judgement.

Post # 23
Member
1364 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Yup, that’s a brilliant way to respond because the commenter is then forced to realise how dickish their comment was! Jessi2883 :  

Post # 24
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy! 

I’ve been TTC for 12 months (really trying hard for 7) and while there are a lot of people who have been trying longer than me it still feels like a struggle for me personally, because for most of us we think it won’t take so long, and whenever you’re trying it seems like everyone and their dog around you get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It’s a tough, frustrating place to be. 

Anyways, I also sympathize with you on the rude comments. I feel the exact same way about my incredibly rude, insensitive stepmother. We made the mistake of telling people when we started trying which was Nov ‘17. We took a break from trying for awhile but in their eyes it looks like we’ve been trying for over 1.5 years. I am not pregnant yet but I am already dreading the shitty comments she will make.

I heard some good advice recently for how to deal with rude people. When they say something rude, literally look at them and say “what’s your point?” Or “what exactly did you mean by that?” And if they give you a snarky response just tell them “actually, that’s really rude and a simple congratulations would suffice, it’s really not that hard.” But the trick is to not appear upset because people like this are trying to get a reaction out of you. 

Post # 25
Member
203 posts
Helper bee

“DH and I guessed you’ say something hurtful like that. Way to stay on brand “

 

Post # 27
Member
1446 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Cortland, NY

Eight months isn’t a horribly long time in the grand scheme of things. I know it’s easier said than done, but if they are rude, just smile and nod. And when they start asking to be godparents and suggest baby names, I would squash them. 

But I’m petty XD

Also anondotcom :  I love your response XD

Post # 28
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

As someone who is currently experiencing fertility problems, I can sympathize with the rude comments.  My in-laws love to make them.  Let your husband handle telling them, and if she still makes rude comments, I’d get up and walk away.

On another note, I’d like to echo what a few previous bees have mentioned.  In the world of infertility, 8 months of trying is an extremely short time.  We are going on 18 months, and $50k spent, and I’m not yet pregnant.  I know people who try for 10 years to get pregnant.  So if I had to listen to someone complain that it took them 8 months to get pregnant, and it happened naturally, I’d be rolling my eyes pretty hard.  Be careful who you vent to about your infertility problems, because it can come can come off as really insensitive if you don’t know your audience.  

Post # 29
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

To be honest I would just make her feel bad. If she says “FINALLY” you should just say “yes finally. We would have loved to announce this great news months and months ago but sometimes things take more time than we’d like” 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors