Post # 16
Just tell her you and your hubs wanted to be able to have as much newlywed sex as you could before becoming parents.
Some families are very direct and joke with one another about anything and everything. Some are more proper and respectful of appropriate boundaries. It doesn’t sound as if stepmother is going away and you’re not likely to change her. The only thing you can change is through what filter you let her comments impact you. “Oh, she’s socially awkward, poor woman” can be easier to get past than “Oh, she’s so fucking rude and inappropriate to ME”.
Post # 17
Well it may not do you many favors with your in-laws (or your husband), but there’s no law that says you have to be polite to people who are rude to you. Here are my suggested responses if she says something like “finally!” or “It’s about time!”:
“I wasn’t aware we were holding you up.”
“That’s a rude thing to say.”
“Many couples deal with infertility, ourselves included. I think you should be more sensitive to that, and keep your comments either congratulatory or to yourself.”
I’d probably just do an exaggerated eyeroll and conspiratorial smile at my husband, and then if she notices and comments on it, say something like, “pay up, hubby! I bet him $5 you would say something like that.”
Post # 18
I guess I wouldn’t even want to let her know that there had been a delay in TTC. It would sound like you were trying to keep things on her timetable but were unable to. Instead, I’d want her to think we did things exactly when we wanted to – on OUR schedule instead of hers. So if she says, “It took long enough” I’d reply, “Good thing we’re doing things on OUR schedule and not yours!” I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of telling her there was any delay (because then she’ll probably harp on your age).
Post # 19
I would probably try to make her feel bad like the petty little monster I am. I hate when people make comments like this when so many people have infertility problems, telling her that will hopefully prevent her from making more rude comments to anyone else in the future.
Post # 20
highstrungmomtobe : Honestly, right now the real estate you are giving her in your head, is only affecting you, not her.
You are pregnant!!! Congratulations!! Nothing she says can take that away from you!
Honestly, I think it would be better for you if you just ignore any rude comments she makes, but you do have the right to put your foot down if she makes one. Just tell her that she’s being rude. Call her out.
Post # 21
If she says ‘Finally!’, you could always respond with ‘Yes! Finally! And now you can FINALLY stop asking!’
Post # 22
highstrungmomtobe : My sister copped a heap of shit from people when she announced. But, she had only been with her lad for 6 months before they started trying, he worked FIFO 4/1 (away 4 weeks, home 1), didn’t live together, so everyone was like “wtf what are you doing….”
But it all worked out in the end, sort of, but she vowed to wait until she was engaged or married before announcing number two to avoid the same looks of judgement.
Post # 23
Yup, that’s a brilliant way to respond because the commenter is then forced to realise how dickish their comment was! Jessi2883 :
Post # 24
- Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard
Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy!
I’ve been TTC for 12 months (really trying hard for 7) and while there are a lot of people who have been trying longer than me it still feels like a struggle for me personally, because for most of us we think it won’t take so long, and whenever you’re trying it seems like everyone and their dog around you get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It’s a tough, frustrating place to be.
Anyways, I also sympathize with you on the rude comments. I feel the exact same way about my incredibly rude, insensitive stepmother. We made the mistake of telling people when we started trying which was Nov ‘17. We took a break from trying for awhile but in their eyes it looks like we’ve been trying for over 1.5 years. I am not pregnant yet but I am already dreading the shitty comments she will make.
I heard some good advice recently for how to deal with rude people. When they say something rude, literally look at them and say “what’s your point?” Or “what exactly did you mean by that?” And if they give you a snarky response just tell them “actually, that’s really rude and a simple congratulations would suffice, it’s really not that hard.” But the trick is to not appear upset because people like this are trying to get a reaction out of you.
Post # 25
“DH and I guessed you’ say something hurtful like that. Way to stay on brand “
Post # 26
rosadiaz : You’re right. I need to just let it go but just her existance in my life stresses me out. She’s this overbearing woman with no filter. She talks trash behind our backs and when she does see us, she straight up lectures us and gives us guilt trips about visiting more. Mind you, this is only his stepmother but she considers herself the matriarch of the family so no one says a word to her. Before we were engaged she tried convincing H he needed to find a Southern Baptist church to join, knowing full well that H hasn’t stepped foot in a church since he was a child… but knowing that *I* am a practicing Catholic. She hides behind her Southern accent and Religion and it just gets to me that EVERYONE lets her continue with her bad behavior. Even the Maid of Honor at my wedding, who spoke to her for all of 10 minutes, was like “WHOA, you’ve got your work cut out for you” b/c she somehow offended my PREGNANT maid of honor during a 10 min convo. Ugh. Sorry for the vent.
Post # 27
- Wedding: June 2019 - Cortland, NY
Eight months isn’t a horribly long time in the grand scheme of things. I know it’s easier said than done, but if they are rude, just smile and nod. And when they start asking to be godparents and suggest baby names, I would squash them.
But I’m petty XD
Also anondotcom : I love your response XD
Post # 28
As someone who is currently experiencing fertility problems, I can sympathize with the rude comments. My in-laws love to make them. Let your husband handle telling them, and if she still makes rude comments, I’d get up and walk away.
On another note, I’d like to echo what a few previous bees have mentioned. In the world of infertility, 8 months of trying is an extremely short time. We are going on 18 months, and $50k spent, and I’m not yet pregnant. I know people who try for 10 years to get pregnant. So if I had to listen to someone complain that it took them 8 months to get pregnant, and it happened naturally, I’d be rolling my eyes pretty hard. Be careful who you vent to about your infertility problems, because it can come can come off as really insensitive if you don’t know your audience.
Post # 29
To be honest I would just make her feel bad. If she says “FINALLY” you should just say “yes finally. We would have loved to announce this great news months and months ago but sometimes things take more time than we’d like”
Post # 30
pigpug10 : I’m sorry for your struggle. I hope you get your BFP soon.
I didn’t tell anyone when we started trying, or that we had to see an RE, and we haven’t announced we’re pregnant, so luckily I haven’t had the opportunity to “complain”. I don’t consider myself infertile, I don’t have war stories, but I can still be sensitive to it. (The same way I’m sensitive to homophobic comments but I’m not gay…)
I’m fully aware that in comparison to others, my journey was not a struggle. I realize that it may have felt like forever to us, while we were in the thick of things, but in the grand scheme of everything, it was only months. You’re right – we got pregnant in 8 months and with only a few grand spent on diagnostics. But like I said before, it was a dark period for me personally *BEFORE* getting a BFP. I was in the midst of going to an RE, having ultrasounds, HSGs and bloodwork after bloodwork done, was diagnosed with unexplained infertility and scheduled for IUI. That all weighed on me. Obviously no where near the anxiety and emotional toll as IVF or multiple rounds of IVF. But whether a woman has been trying for 6 months or 18 months or 10 years, she is entitled to her feelings. I’m part of the Ava bracelet facebook group – there’s a wide range of women who vent and complain on that group…. but they’re supportive of eachother, whether it’s someone’s HSG, their first IUI or 3rd round of IVF… they listen and provide advice and support, because it isn’t a competition.