anyone "brace themselves" for rude comments from family when announcing?

posted 5 months ago in Pregnancy
Post # 31
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think you are reading too much into potential comments based on your relationship with his step-mom.  I’m 28 and I’ve been with my now husband since I was 18, almost everyone at every family gathering for the past few years always ask us when kids are coming and his mom lets us know how much she’s ready to be a grandmother.. I don’t take it as rude, they’re just the comments get annoying? ya.. it took me 9 months to get pregnant (currently a little over 5 weeks right now) and everytime I was asked during those 9 months it stung a bit, but they don’t mean it in a bad way. I would just walk away or smile and nod, or just ignore their comments.  You need to build a tough skin in order to not let every comment get to you if not, when you give birth you’ll get so much unsolicited advise on how to raise your child and that will make you miserable if you don’t learn to ignore comments now.

Post # 32
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

highstrungmomtobe :  its not a competition, but you make it seem like it is by worrying about “finally” comments. Just because you were afraid that you might face fertility issues, doesn’t mean you actually did face those issues. It’d be like comparing a cancer scare with someone actually facing death & going through chemo. Super insensitive. My opinion- having faced infertility (4 years trying for our son & almost 3 years for our daughter). Even I don’t advertise what I  went through IRL, because I was able to finally have kids and many people can’t. 

Post # 34
1671 posts
Bumble bee

highstrungmomtobe :  I think people are being a bit harsh with you. Your feelings are justified and based on your past interactions with this woman, I think it’s normal to have your guard up.

I struggled with our first, was diagnosed with PCOS and had a couple of losses before using fertility meds to get pregnant with our rainbow babe. I know several ladies who have had a much harder time and have gone through way more than I did to get their babes, I also know a few who haven’t been succesful despite their treatments. With that being said, they’ve never undermined my experiences or made me feel like I don’t deserve sympathy simply because my journey was easier than theirs.

When you want to be pregnant, every month that goes by that you’re not is heartbreaking. Also, it sounds like you had some concerns due to your age, which is valid; sure many people have kids in their 40’s, but fertility does begin to decrease in your mid to late 30s. Also, you were given a diagnosis of infertility, just because it was unexplained, doesn’t mean you didn’t have to go through the heartbreak of receiving a diagnosis and facing the possibility of not being able to conceive. 

I can tell that you’re not trying to be insensitive to those people who have been trying for longer or have faced more hurdles than you have while TTC. 

 As far as dealing with the comments with your ILs, if you’re comfortable, I’d be honest with them. If they make it seem like they’ve been waiting forever, be blunt about your struggles and diagnosis – hopefully it’ll make them think twice before making a big deal out of waiting to become grandparents. Maybe it’ll also make them stop and think before they make such comments to others who also may be struggling.  Best of luck and let us know how it goes.

Post # 37
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

MrsMellyBean :  +1000 

The criticism of OP is really rubbing me the wrong way today. This is not a competition, and just because someone had to try for years doesn’t mean shorter periods of infertility don’t hurt too. Plus the criteria for infertility over 35 is 6+ months of trying, and she got a diagnosis. Also some people get diagnosed with  fertility problems before they’ve tried for an extended period of time. I was diagnosed and put on meds for 6 months before I even started TTC, and then TTC only took 6 months after that. I was lucky enough to conceive in only 6 months because of proactive treatment. I still have PCOS and endometriosis. I still rarely ovulate and have had surgery. I’m super lucky the treatment worked so quickly and I would never assume to say that I’ve suffered as much as others. I know I haven’t, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t suffer at all. And same goes for OP. 

To stay on topic OP, I had people tell me I got pregnant because I was relaxed on vacation and other insensitive things. The best thing is to just ignore them and not give it any headspace before it happens. Congratulations! 

Post # 38
8327 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I understand your being sensitive to infertilty, but you are pregnant now,  so let go of it.

PPs who say just respond with a slightly puzzled silent stare, or possibly a ‘really, you have been timing us have you?’ are right. Do not share details, do not attempt to justify , do not explain. . Stare , slight smile, change subject. Apart from anything  else, it’ll drive her crazy!

highstrungmomtobe :  

Post # 40
1671 posts
Bumble bee

elderbee :  Just because she’s pregnant now doesn’t mean that she’s not able to feel any kind of way regarding her struggles though. A lot of people who deal with infertility feel a lot of mixed emotions for extended periods of time despite having a child/children. It’s a complex thing so telling her to get over it is a bit insensitive IMO.

highstrungmomtobe :  Have you told her yet?

Post # 41
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

highstrungmomtobe :  In general I think people have a hard time thinking up the right thing to say with pregnancy. I know I have put my foot in my mouth a few times by accident because I simply was struggling for something to say in the conversation and was grasping as straws. Sometimes socializing is harder than it looks! If I am visiting with a cousin or something and looking for conversation topics it does occur to me to ask about their next life steps and the most obvious one after marriage is kids. I now know that comes across as pushy, or intrusive etc. But I and most people don’t really mean it that way, we just are trying to make conversation. 

IN your SMIL’s case I say you just be upfront and be ready to address any inappropriate comments about anything from now on. Whether its about your announcement or anything else rude. I say you “play dumb” She makes a comment on wow that took a while! You say, why would you say that? With a genuine curious look on your face. THen watch her squirm to find something to say. If she still doesnt’ get it and actually explains by saying, well you have been married a while, we were all waiting for grandkids! You could say, I understand that but this process is really about Darling Husband and I and as fertiility is an issue for many couples, comments like that are inappropriate and hurtful. Then turn to someone else in the room and completely change the subject before she can respond. 

If she tries to say nevermind after you ask her what she meant you can say, SMIL regardless of why you made that comment, each couples journey to have kids is private and can be difficult. Comments about how long it does or doesn’t take aren’t appropriate anymore.” Then change the topic and talk to someone else. 

Post # 42
2055 posts
Buzzing bee

highstrungmomtobe :  I can empathize, we are “older” (30’s- me, 40’s- d.h.) and tried for 9 months before having a CP and then a BFP which is now my 7mo son. It sucked, we did tons of bloodwork, HSG, acupuncture, temping, charting, specialized lube and old wives tales (Mucinex, Red Raspberry Tea, Vitex pills, etc). Those 9 months were a struggle for me, emotionally they were hellish– and I took things pretty hard some days– especially since my d.h. already had another child from a previous marriage. We also sought some help from my doctor and we about to start IUI once we hit the 1 year mark. So, I totally get it.


That said, the sting of TTC does wear off the more removed you are from it– especially given the relatively short time it took me and you to get pregnant. It’s crazy to me that my son is almost as old as my TTC journey. He’s so tiny! And while there’s absolutely no formula for why we feel the way we feel sometimes, it does make it easier to try and readjust our own perspective before trying to get ahead of someone like your SMIL. Because let’s face it, you can’t get one step ahead of her. She will always “outplay” you in this game of rude comments, snarky remarks, gossiping and being brash because she’s perfected it. Even trying to anticipate her next move is futile because people like her thrive on keeping you on your toes– she’s just nice enough to let you put your guard down and then comes back with the 1-2 punch because doing that keeps her relevant.

The best thing to do besides ignore her is ignore her even more. Even a snarky response back is playing into her game. When she quips off with something out of line during the announcement or ever, really… don’t react. Nothing drives a person like her up the wall more than knowing that what she is doing means so little to you that you don’t even care to respond.

Congrats on the pregnancy, BTW!

Post # 43
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

My Mother-In-Law has a history of making rude and insensitive comments too so I get how you are feeling. She’s the type of person that seems to get bothered by happy things happening to others so she’ll make a comment to make things less “happy”. We know that once we do get pregnant and tell her, deep inside she will be happy for us, but we just don’t know what will actually come out of her mouth. 

If you’re telling everyone on Father’s Day and she’s there then I’d recommend clinging tosomeone who’s always positive after you make the announcment. Like “We’re pregnant!” and run and hug your awesome grandma/sister/aunt. There’s no way to control other people’s behavior but you can try your best to limit your exposure to behavior that brings you down. It will be easier for you to “take” whatever comment she makes if you have others around you that are making you happy

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