Post # 31
I think you are reading too much into potential comments based on your relationship with his step-mom. I’m 28 and I’ve been with my now husband since I was 18, almost everyone at every family gathering for the past few years always ask us when kids are coming and his mom lets us know how much she’s ready to be a grandmother.. I don’t take it as rude, they’re just excited..do the comments get annoying? ya.. it took me 9 months to get pregnant (currently a little over 5 weeks right now) and everytime I was asked during those 9 months it stung a bit, but they don’t mean it in a bad way. I would just walk away or smile and nod, or just ignore their comments. You need to build a tough skin in order to not let every comment get to you if not, when you give birth you’ll get so much unsolicited advise on how to raise your child and that will make you miserable if you don’t learn to ignore comments now.
Post # 32
highstrungmomtobe : its not a competition, but you make it seem like it is by worrying about “finally” comments. Just because you were afraid that you might face fertility issues, doesn’t mean you actually did face those issues. It’d be like comparing a cancer scare with someone actually facing death & going through chemo. Super insensitive. My opinion- having faced infertility (4 years trying for our son & almost 3 years for our daughter). Even I don’t advertise what I went through IRL, because I was able to finally have kids and many people can’t.
Post # 33
jannigirl : I think you summed this up very well. Thank you.
Post # 34
highstrungmomtobe : I think people are being a bit harsh with you. Your feelings are justified and based on your past interactions with this woman, I think it’s normal to have your guard up.
I struggled with our first, was diagnosed with PCOS and had a couple of losses before using fertility meds to get pregnant with our rainbow babe. I know several ladies who have had a much harder time and have gone through way more than I did to get their babes, I also know a few who haven’t been succesful despite their treatments. With that being said, they’ve never undermined my experiences or made me feel like I don’t deserve sympathy simply because my journey was easier than theirs.
When you want to be pregnant, every month that goes by that you’re not is heartbreaking. Also, it sounds like you had some concerns due to your age, which is valid; sure many people have kids in their 40’s, but fertility does begin to decrease in your mid to late 30s. Also, you were given a diagnosis of infertility, just because it was unexplained, doesn’t mean you didn’t have to go through the heartbreak of receiving a diagnosis and facing the possibility of not being able to conceive.
I can tell that you’re not trying to be insensitive to those people who have been trying for longer or have faced more hurdles than you have while TTC.
As far as dealing with the comments with your ILs, if you’re comfortable, I’d be honest with them. If they make it seem like they’ve been waiting forever, be blunt about your struggles and diagnosis – hopefully it’ll make them think twice before making a big deal out of waiting to become grandparents. Maybe it’ll also make them stop and think before they make such comments to others who also may be struggling. Best of luck and let us know how it goes.
Post # 35
jannigirl : I think your making my point. It’s not a competition or a comparison.
I don’t live every season of my life *comparing* myself to those who have been struggling worse than me.
So, are you saying is that a woman diagnosed with breast cancer caught at an early stage is not entitled to be upset or scared… because she isn’t dying or undergoing rounds of chemo? Cause, I think we need to just agree to disagree on that. I don’t think you can belittle someone’s experience because others having it more severe.
Again, the point of my post was not that I’m sensitive to infertility comments b/c I think I’m some spokesperson for the cause. It’s because the comments are rude and inconsiderate. The same way I don’t need to be gay or a minority to be offended and upset by racist or homophobic comments.
Post # 36
MrsMellyBean : Thank you so much for understanding. And I’m sorry for your losses, so glad you got your rainbow.
I wouldn’t have included the number of months we’d been trying had I wanted to pass myself off as someone who really had it hard. Those 8 months were hard for me, every month being worse than the last. I was reading about other women in our Facebook group trying to decide between adoption and donor eggs but that didn’t make me feel any better when I got my period or when the RE told me he had no clue why I wasn’t getting pregnant but due to my age, he suggested 3 rounds of IUI and moving onto IVF. I just didn’t feel comforted by other peoples “worse off” scenarios.
I went back and forth with whether or not to tell them that we had been trying since the summer. But my Husband specifically does not want us to share how long it took because his stepmother is gossipy and will tell the world. He feels like telling her anything will just feed future commentary and we just wouldn’t want this to be thrown in our face down the line.
I’m hoping she surprises me and doesn’t say anything but since my Husband is in agreement that she’ll say something inappropriate, I won’t hold my breath. So oh well. I’m too exhausted to put on my happy face, nod and smile through anyone’s BS these days, so she’ll likely just get a glare and my back as I walk away. She can take the hint or not.
Thanks again for being understanding.
Post # 37
MrsMellyBean : +1000
The criticism of OP is really rubbing me the wrong way today. This is not a competition, and just because someone had to try for years doesn’t mean shorter periods of infertility don’t hurt too. Plus the criteria for infertility over 35 is 6+ months of trying, and she got a diagnosis. Also some people get diagnosed with fertility problems before they’ve tried for an extended period of time. I was diagnosed and put on meds for 6 months before I even started TTC, and then TTC only took 6 months after that. I was lucky enough to conceive in only 6 months because of proactive treatment. I still have PCOS and endometriosis. I still rarely ovulate and have had surgery. I’m super lucky the treatment worked so quickly and I would never assume to say that I’ve suffered as much as others. I know I haven’t, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t suffer at all. And same goes for OP.
To stay on topic OP, I had people tell me I got pregnant because I was relaxed on vacation and other insensitive things. The best thing is to just ignore them and not give it any headspace before it happens. Congratulations!
Post # 38
I understand your being sensitive to infertilty, but you are pregnant now, so let go of it.
PPs who say just respond with a slightly puzzled silent stare, or possibly a ‘really, you have been timing us have you?’ are right. Do not share details, do not attempt to justify , do not explain. . Stare , slight smile, change subject. Apart from anything else, it’ll drive her crazy!
Post # 39
catmom17 : Thank you so much.
PCOS and endo must be so hard, great that you and your providers were proactive. Gosh.
Yeah, we got a dog *days* before we conceived and when I told my best friend, she was like “SEE!!! YOU WERE DISTRACTED WITH THE DOG, THAT’S WHY IT HAPPENED!!!” and I know she means well. But realistically, it could have been a dozen different factors as to why we got our BFP that cycle, I’ll never really know. But I am pretty sure 2 days of dog ownership wasn’t the magic bullet. In fact, we didn’t have as much sex bc he had seperation anxiety and would bark if we locked him out of room! LOL
Post # 40
elderbee : Just because she’s pregnant now doesn’t mean that she’s not able to feel any kind of way regarding her struggles though. A lot of people who deal with infertility feel a lot of mixed emotions for extended periods of time despite having a child/children. It’s a complex thing so telling her to get over it is a bit insensitive IMO.
highstrungmomtobe : Have you told her yet?
Post # 41
highstrungmomtobe : In general I think people have a hard time thinking up the right thing to say with pregnancy. I know I have put my foot in my mouth a few times by accident because I simply was struggling for something to say in the conversation and was grasping as straws. Sometimes socializing is harder than it looks! If I am visiting with a cousin or something and looking for conversation topics it does occur to me to ask about their next life steps and the most obvious one after marriage is kids. I now know that comes across as pushy, or intrusive etc. But I and most people don’t really mean it that way, we just are trying to make conversation.
IN your SMIL’s case I say you just be upfront and be ready to address any inappropriate comments about anything from now on. Whether its about your announcement or anything else rude. I say you “play dumb” She makes a comment on wow that took a while! You say, why would you say that? With a genuine curious look on your face. THen watch her squirm to find something to say. If she still doesnt’ get it and actually explains by saying, well you have been married a while, we were all waiting for grandkids! You could say, I understand that but this process is really about Darling Husband and I and as fertiility is an issue for many couples, comments like that are inappropriate and hurtful. Then turn to someone else in the room and completely change the subject before she can respond.
If she tries to say nevermind after you ask her what she meant you can say, SMIL regardless of why you made that comment, each couples journey to have kids is private and can be difficult. Comments about how long it does or doesn’t take aren’t appropriate anymore.” Then change the topic and talk to someone else.
Post # 42
highstrungmomtobe : I can empathize, we are “older” (30’s- me, 40’s- d.h.) and tried for 9 months before having a CP and then a BFP which is now my 7mo son. It sucked, we did tons of bloodwork, HSG, acupuncture, temping, charting, specialized lube and old wives tales (Mucinex, Red Raspberry Tea, Vitex pills, etc). Those 9 months were a struggle for me, emotionally they were hellish– and I took things pretty hard some days– especially since my d.h. already had another child from a previous marriage. We also sought some help from my doctor and we about to start IUI once we hit the 1 year mark. So, I totally get it.
That said, the sting of TTC does wear off the more removed you are from it– especially given the relatively short time it took me and you to get pregnant. It’s crazy to me that my son is almost as old as my TTC journey. He’s so tiny! And while there’s absolutely no formula for why we feel the way we feel sometimes, it does make it easier to try and readjust our own perspective before trying to get ahead of someone like your SMIL. Because let’s face it, you can’t get one step ahead of her. She will always “outplay” you in this game of rude comments, snarky remarks, gossiping and being brash because she’s perfected it. Even trying to anticipate her next move is futile because people like her thrive on keeping you on your toes– she’s just nice enough to let you put your guard down and then comes back with the 1-2 punch because doing that keeps her relevant.
The best thing to do besides ignore her is ignore her even more. Even a snarky response back is playing into her game. When she quips off with something out of line during the announcement or ever, really… don’t react. Nothing drives a person like her up the wall more than knowing that what she is doing means so little to you that you don’t even care to respond.
Congrats on the pregnancy, BTW!
Post # 43
My Mother-In-Law has a history of making rude and insensitive comments too so I get how you are feeling. She’s the type of person that seems to get bothered by happy things happening to others so she’ll make a comment to make things less “happy”. We know that once we do get pregnant and tell her, deep inside she will be happy for us, but we just don’t know what will actually come out of her mouth.
If you’re telling everyone on Father’s Day and she’s there then I’d recommend clinging tosomeone who’s always positive after you make the announcment. Like “We’re pregnant!” and run and hug your awesome grandma/sister/aunt. There’s no way to control other people’s behavior but you can try your best to limit your exposure to behavior that brings you down. It will be easier for you to “take” whatever comment she makes if you have others around you that are making you happy
Post # 44
MrsMellyBean : we haven’t told her yet… waiting til Father’s Day.
We did see her Saturday at a cookout at she was telling another couple that they hold their 3 month old baby too much and kept urging them to just leave him in his carseat. Lol. They just ignored her which I thought was great.
Post # 45
asummerbridet7 : This is a good idea. I don’t think her comments are malicious but I think they are kind of ignorant and insensitive. H has a counsin who writes a blog and she’s experienced recurrent miscarraiges… I just think about how comments like “FINALLY” or “IT’S ABOUT TIME” make her feel. Sure, it stings for me, selfishly I would have loved to been pregnant months ago. But in hindsight, it doesn’t matter, we’re talking months… not 2 D&Cs ago. It’s just a crappy thing to say to say to any couple in this day and age when infertility is so rampant. I hate the idea that no one will ever call this woman out on her dumb comments.