Post # 1
Hey Bees – I’m curious if any other newlyweds are thinking the same thing as Darling Husband and I. We were both raised that if you are invited to a wedding you give a gift, whether you can attend or not and that there is absolutely no way that you attend without a gift. We have always followed this with all of our friends and family who married before us. We have tended to give about a $100 from the two of us as a couple.
After our own wedding, we had only 3 or 4 “No” RSVPs send a gift, had numerous people attend completely empty-handed, and had a large number of gifts in the $25-$30 from friends/couples. We are very happy for the gifts we did receive and we had a wonderful time sharing our special day with everyone.
But – call me crazy – we don’t really want to now spend $100 on a gift for a friend who only got us a $30 one. Or to send a present to someone who’s wedding we can’t attend when they didn’t do the same for us. Darling Husband and I are really planning to re-assess our gift giving for future weddings.
Any other Bees change their gift giving following their own wedding?
Post # 3
I commented on the other thread where this was discussed, but to answer your specific question I did not change my gift giving after our wedding. I choose to give or not give and how big depending on our closeness to the B&G. It’s never been an automatic: we received an invite so therefore sent our $100 gift. But every invitation we receive is treated with the same courtousy, we at least respond with congratulations and mail back the RSVP card.
Post # 4
@moderndaisy: We do always give the gift based on our closeness to the B&G – the $100 was more of a ballpark. I’d say it ranges from $75-$80 for more general friends up to $125-$130 for our really close friends and family. It isn’t just an automatic thing. But even our lowest gifts far exceed what many of our guests thought that their closeness to us dictated (and we didn’t invite anyone and everyone to our wedding – it was only our very closest friends and family).
Post # 5
I found that I was more surprised by the generous giving of some guests, than by the seemingly less-generous giving of others… I have not altered my gift giving, except to send the future B&G a gift as soon as possible, so that they can make note of it and write a thank you long before the wedding date approaches. I know I was extremely grateful to the guests that sent us a gift sooner than later!
Post # 6
I haven’t been married yet, but the whole process has change the way i treat others’ weddings.
Post # 7
We do gifts also based on how close they are to us – usally $250-$350 for my husband and I total.
However, if someone only gave me $150 for my wedding, that is what they are getting back – I don’t feel the need to give them more than they give me.
I got married on 8/21 and am still waiting for 10 gifts – yes, because I expect something – I would never show up to a wedding empty handed – We have a wedding coming up for a couple that gave us nothing, not sure how to handle this one, but if they didn’t feel they didn’t need to give me a gift, I likely won’t get them one.
I know you have a year technically to get a gift, so we’ll see how that turns out.
Post # 8
We will be giving the same amount to others that they gave us. My mom always made me keep my list of gifts for everything so she knew how much to give her friend’s kids for things (bar mitzvah’s, graduation, etc). But i could never not give a gift, so even if someone didn’t give us something we’ll still give.
Post # 9
I agree with pps with regards to the cost of the gift being directly relational to how close you are to the B&G, but I think its equally important to consider the financial status of your guests. Maybe they only got you a $30 gift because that was all they could afford. Times are tough right now, and people might not have $150+ to spend on a wedding gift. Especially if they’ve already spent money on things like transportation, accommodations, babysitters, something to wear, etc. All of that adds up, and in their mind they might be thinking “Well, since I’ve already shelled out $100 just to BE there, I really can’t afford to give them an expensive gift.” Both my family, and SO’s family have very little money, and I don’t expect much in the way of gifts from them. Nor would I want them to break the bank just to get us some fancy crap, and end up scraping by as a result of it. At the end of the day…its just stuff, and the memories I’ll create with these people at the wedding will last much longer and mean far more.
Besides…isn’t it more about the honor of their presence, than the cost of the gift they got you?
Post # 10
Amen MissAdventure, I couldn’t agree more! I would hate to assume the worst of people, especially if they are in a tight spot. There are so many things to be grateful for, why not let the other worries go and cherish the people that celebrated with you. I know it’s easier said than done, but that’s what Darling Husband and I have tried to do.
Post # 11
I agree with that..if someone can only afford $30, that is fine with me – its more of the gesture that counts and their presence – but because I can afford more, should I be expected to give more? My rule now that I am married is that I will give back what I received..
Post # 12
Mostly, I was surprised by the generosity of some, and stinginess of others’. Like, a not-very-close cousin who I actually accidently forgot to invite and had to call a week before the wedding and explain my gaffe gave us several hundred dollars, but a groomsman’s parents (who are quite well off) gave us a $20 chip bowl.
I wouldn’t say I’ve changed anything. I’ve been to three weddings since my own, and I’ve all given my standard cash gift, regardless of what they gave me.
Post # 13
Yes, I will usually gift in-line to what we received for our wedding. I think the one thing that’s changed now that I’m married is that I’m very good about making sure they get their gift before or very soon after their wedding! I have to admit to procrastinating for months back in the early days when my friends first started getting married and I didn’t know any better :oP
Post # 14
Since I’ve always gifted according to my relationship w/ the B&G, I haven’t changed how much I give, but I definitely changed how I write the check out and be sure the gift receipt is attached where it wont get lost.
I didn’t have expectations of what we’d receive as gifts, so I was actually surprised by the generosity of many people, including several gifts we received from people who weren’t even invited!
Post # 15
I don’t give gifts with the caveat that they must respond in kind. Gifts are supposed to be gifts, not a measure of how much the other person chooses to spend on you. I enjoy giving gifts to other people, and I enjoy spending the time selecting something that I think they will like, in whatever price range I can afford. Past gifts that person has given me have no bearing on how much I spend on them…
I think if you’re so upset about the amount of gift someone gives you that it forces you to rethink your own gift-giving, I just wouldn’t give them a gift. Gifts are supposed to be measures of generosity, not scorekeeping.
Post # 16
I think we will be changing how we do things. Some people got us WAY more than we expected while others who we are close to or who are well off got us absolutely nothing – not even a card! I think my husband is more upset about all of this than me! He just cant believe that people came to a wedding without bringing a gift and I had to go over all the etiquette with him! We will give for future weddings based on what people have given to us. My Maid/Matron of Honor got me a non-returnable gift that is not our style at all and we have no use for it. So I will be returning that favor to her down the line whenever she gets married!