Post # 1
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
One year and four days after our 1 year wedding anniversay my sister in law/husbands sister passed away. She was only 25. She fought for 1 month until she passed and today marks 1 month since she’s been gone. A lot of this may be written out of pure emotion because i need an outlet and support from others who may have or be going through the same thing. Obviously my husband is devastated and it’s been an incredibly painful journey. Today we had a fight because we were both raised with our own ways of handling death and he and I have never experienced a death so close to home. I dont have any siblings so I can’t imagine the pain he’s going through but it still hurts to lose the sister I was so longing to have. I’m the type to let myself heal on my own while he faces it head on. Not that either is right or wrong just different. No matter how much I hurt it doesn’t amount to the pain he might be feeling and because of that I feel bad whenever I dont want to be around the cemetary. This is what sparked the fight. Of course no matter how I feel I’ll always be there for him and my in laws. I’m not sure what to ask of anyone except to see if anyone has been in my shoes and found a way to deal with things. I don’t want to put the burden on my husband because ive been his rock but inside it’s been extremely hard for me.
Thank you for listening 🙂
Post # 3
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
I am so sorry to hear of you and your husband’s loss. I have not experienced anything like that with my husband, but I know being there for him is always going to be the best course of action. Providing simple comforts always helps like food, laundry, chores, etc.
Post # 4
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
@kryssbride: I’m sorry for your loss. Nothing can take away the pain that you, your husband, and his family are feeling right now. The very best you can do is continue to be there for your husband in whatever way he needs it. Only time can make the hurt more bearable. You’ll be in my prayers.
Post # 5
Member
1817 posts
Buzzing bee
two words for you: grief counseling.
I lost 2 of my brothers in 2006. I was no stranger to loss – my dad died when I was 3, my mom when I was 10, I only had 1 living g’parent + a step g’parent when I was born and lost them. I lost the aunt and uncle who raised me after my mom died. I also lost my super awesome MIL in 2000.
In the circle of life you know and expect to lose the g’parents and eventually the parents but you never think about your siblings. It has been 7+ years and after all the loss I’ve gone through, I still can’t put the loss of my brothers in its right place so I can move on from it. Losing a sibling has been something I never thought about and never realized the incredible hole it would leave in my heart.
And your in-laws losing a child? Unimaginable to me and I am so sorry for their loss.
Everyone grieves differently, but I really encourage you guys to discuss how you feel and how you can support your DH and his family. You are grieving too and must deal with that loss, but you also need to stand along side your husband and support him in the way he needs.
Losing my brothers was like someone kicking all the air and life out of my body (we were very close). I can’t imagine how it must be to lose a child.
Talk a lot, don’t expect him to grieve how you grieve, and vice verse. Tons of communication is key here. Please consider grief counseling. If he isn’t ready to go, you go and work on your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Post # 6
Member
2613 posts
Sugar bee
@kryssbride: My sister passed away five years ago. In some ways, it was harder than losing my parents. I think it’s because we expect to face losing our parents at some point – but not our siblings. We expect to pretty much get old together. It’s just such a horrendous shock. It also brings some guilt – why them and not us? It also makes us face our own mortality – if they could die so young, so could we.
Try to support your husband and in-laws. Suck it up and go to the cemetery with him/them. Your SIL was your friend, but she was his sister and their daughter. Their grief takes precedence over yours. That’s not to minimize yours, but do try to realize this loss is simply more to them.
I’m sorry.
Post # 7
Member
7656 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@kryssbride: I just wanted to chime in and say I’m sorry for you and your husband’s loss.
Post # 8
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
@mysterybee123: thank you 🙂
@dancingriss: thank you 🙂
@Zhabeego: thanks 🙂 I can’t even imagine the pain they’re experiencing which is why I feel guilty for even trying to say these things or feel the way I do. I came on here because I wanted to relate with other spouses who may have gone through this. I know their pain takes precedence over mine and I have been there for my family no matter what and therefore I don’t want to talk about my feelings to him. I’m also very sorry for your loss.
Post # 10
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband’s brother passed away a year ago, and it has obviously been difficult dealing with it. I’ve found it’s best to take my cues from him – I’m supportive when he wants to talk about it and I try to be sensitive to things that might be extra difficult for him and his mom, like birthdays, holidays and the anniversary of his passing. It’s also helpful for me to reach out to friends to process my own feelings about it. That way, I have support to work through my own feelings and grief without asking my husband to be that support for me. You might want to consider seeking a therapist or grief counselor even of he won’t go with you. It’s important to recognize your own feelings and needs as the wife of someone who has suffered such a great loss.
I wish you and your husband lots of peace and healing.
Post # 11
Member
1651 posts
Bumble bee
@kryssbride: First off, I just want to say how sorry I am for your and your husband’s loss.
I’ve never lost a sibling, but my mom lost her sister (and best friend) twenty years ago this past May. She has never been the same. I think that’s partly because she was the eldest (her sister was the second; they have two younger brothers) and her sister’s emotional confidante. There is no doubt in my mind that my mother feels an immense amount of guilt (for the record, my Aunt committed suicide).
Mom and her brothers all did grief counseling. My older sister remembers seeing her taking anti-depressants that summer after she died (I was only 5 at the time, so I don’t remember that part). I would recommend that you both go to at least one counseling session. It could be incredibly helpful in the healing process. . . although, my Grandfather went (at the insistence of his three remaining children) and was told he didn’t need it. He has always been an incredibly emotionally and constitutionally strong person. He really was, and continues to be, the rock of the family.
Also, maybe there are ways for you guys to better communicate about this. Have you explained to him that being in the cemetery is difficult for you? Have you asked what you can do to help show them that you care and love them and want to help them heal?
Maybe you could make a compromise of some sort? For instance, if they hold a memorial service in her honor or if there will be a mass (if they are religious) of some sort where people will be asked to pray for her, maybe you could attend that and skip the cemetery visit. Or maybe you could go once in a while for special days; like a holiday visit or on her birthday.
Just try to stay calm when you guys talk. It’s an incredibly sad and emotional time in your lives right now. It’s understandable that there will be some yelling and fighting at times. . . just always remember to tell him you love him and are always there for him no matter what.
Post # 12
Member
1651 posts
Bumble bee
@KatieBklyn: +1 Excellent advice!
@Zhabeego: +1 Agree 100%.
Post # 13
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
@KatieBklyn: thank you for your response 🙂 it helps to hear other peoples experiences that have gone through the same thing from a spouses pov. I find that I should stick to talking to my family and friends to sort out my own issues. Through hard times were supposed to talk about our feelings to one another but this is different. How can I expect him to know how I’m feeling when he’s hurting worse than I am. Now that the holidays are approaching I will have to stay strong for everyone but then at the end of the day I vent to my cousin because it’s so overwhelming. It’s hard to not feel selfish or guilty talking about how things are for me but I don’t think it’s wrong to want help for myself. Again, thank you for sharing I know it still may be difficult for you and your husband. I’m also sorry for your loss.
@LoggerHead91207: thank you for your response. I did bring up the cemetery thing being tough for me and did say that no matter how much it may hurt me I’ll go to support him. He called me selfish a bunch of times and thought it was disrespectful. I can’t say that I wasn’t surprised by his response and of course I felt even worse. This is incredibly emotional like you said and difficult to talk about and sort through. I am hoping that things will get easier and maybe he’ll see that I do care and do whatever I can to be there for him and my in laws. Going to the cemetery every week is tough for me and I feel guilty for saying that when he’s able to go.
Post # 14
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
@kryssbride: I am so so sorry for your loss. I understand what a hard place you are in right now. It has been one months since my husband lost his younger brother, who was only 20 years old and had died suddenly from a bad reaction to some medication. It has been an extremely hard and difficult month for all of us and every day is different. We unfortunately lost my brother-in-law just 3 months after our wedding and so we have spent a lot of time watching our wedding video and looking at our wedding photos. But my husband and I have been spending a lot of time at my in-law’s house to try and help them through the day to day activities. I have made it my mission to be there for my husband and my in-law’s and to be the strong one when I am around them, and then when I am alone or with my family or friends do I let my feelings out. So far that has worked for us, but it could change at any time. I say to just let your grief and healing happen organically and be open to trying new things. I also think going to a grief counselor would be good for you. We have not done that yet, but we are thinking of going when the holidays get closer.
Post # 15
Member
1651 posts
Bumble bee
@kryssbride: I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. Like you said, you guys simply have different ways of coping. When my Aunt died, we used to go to the cemetary with my mom a lot. She would bring our bikes with us sometimes (or something else to keep us busy) and let us play a bit – but only on the paths; she would have skinned us alive if we went onto the graves.
As time goes on you guys will go less and less to visit her grave. I haven’t actually been to “visit” my Aunt since I was very young. I don’t even remember where she was buried. It’s a bit sad, but it’s the natural course of things. It’s good that you are being so open and honest with him about how you feel about visiting the grave. It’s also really good that you are being so supportive and understanding, despite the fact that he isn’t really being fair or nice. Just keep doing the best that you can.
Post # 16
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
i agree with the bee who suggested grief counseling.
I’ve not dealt with this issue but wanted to say I’m so sorry for your and your husband’s loss. Prayers for your family during this difficukt time.
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