Post # 1
I wanted to ask if any of you have been disapointed by your MOH.. I have been disapointed and feel i cannot trust anymore my first MOH. She asked me if she could be my MOH in the first place and i was carried away by her enthusiasm and said yes but now i dont want her to be my MOH because i dont feel like i trust her lately, she has been acting weird and i feel like even though she says she wants to participate in the wedding planning stuff i dont think she actually wants to. I was thinking about having another MOH to my wedding who has been very supportive and has been going dress shopping with me and helping me. I discussed it with my SO and he said he doesnt mind.. Do you think it will ruin our friendship if i tell her i reconsidered her being MOH? Do you know what is the best way to deal with this?
Post # 2
I didn’t expect my MOH to help with planning or visit bridal shops with me, etc.. In fact, I chose the bridesmaid gowns myself. All the planning was all done between myself and my mother and FH – that was 3 opinions to combine, which was enough. My MOH did plan and host the bridal shower; I didn’t want or have a bachelorette.
I would never expect a MOH to be as excited about my wedding or spend hours and hours in planning it, helping with DIY projects, set-up and clean-up at the reception, etc., like some other brides-to-be seem to expect.
Post # 3
Brunette26: I agree with the PP. Your MOH/bridesmaids are only required to get the dress and show up on time for the wedding. Anything else that they want to do to help is nice, but definitely not necessary or a requirement for the position. I don’t think it’s fair to set expectations for what you want a MOH to do, not express them in advance, and then get upset for not meeting them.
My MOH did not go dress shopping with me. I paid for her dress. She wants to plan a bachelorette, but honestly, it’s not that important to me. I told her I didn’t want a shower.
I don’t see how not wanting to participate in a lot of wedding stuff makes her less trustworthy. It makes her less interested in your wedding than you, which is normal since it’s your wedding, not hers.
Post # 4
I totally agree with what other PPs are saying about unrealistic expectations of your MOH
BUT to answer your question – YES it will definitely affect your friendship in a negative way. How could it not? There is no nice way to boot someone from your MOH position/ wedding party.
Post # 5
Yes. Major disappointment. Mine didn’t throw me a bridal shower, or a bachlorette party, or go wedding dress shopping, or get her hair/makeup done the morning of with me, or be around me the morning of, or help with ANY of the decorations, or even stay for the duration of my wedding. But she’s still my best friend and I know her life is crazy. and I love her. so I dealt.
Post # 6
Brunette26: I have two MOH, my long time best friend is the one who is mostly in charge and it doing an awesome job, but I also felt my other best friend has been through so much with me that I couldn’t leave it all up to one person. The other best friend has been a slacker, but I immediately told her how I felt and she was super supportive and understanding and I haven’t had any issues since.
I think you just need to be honest with her, don’t come off like a bridezilla, let her know your expectations and just tell her you might not have been clear when you first told her to be your MOH but now you want to be honest and want her to be more involved. See what she says, she might be like my friend was and agree and apologize and be there for you, or she might just come out and say I can’t do it then, and in that case it will be easier for you to change it up. But I wouldn’t rule her out until you at least have a talk.
Post # 7
Brunette26: She’s your MOH, not your slave to go boss around. Give her a break. I would be frank and ask her if something is wrong and why she is not helping as much as you feel she should.
and yes this will probably destroy your friendship because you’re essentially telling her she’s not good enough to be your MOH.
Post # 8
PABride: SouthernBee00: Scou: pinkcorsage: Thank you very much for your input which is highly appreciated! First of all my MOH lives in another country so I would like to clarify that i do not expect my MOH to be my slave or do all the planning with me, thats why i went dress shopping with my other best friend.. I would never want to pressure someone into being involved with my wedding if they dont actually want to (even though i thought that she volunteered because she wanted to be involved)..The thing is i feel like she is acting weird and i do not trust her for other reasons other than the wedding planning. She is coming to visit her homecountry (where i live) for Christmas and apart from the fact she was basically telling me she is going to plan engagement drinks to celebrate and we will go wedding dress shopping while she is here (which i do not expect of course) but most of all that we would be catching up etc. When i told her that my FI and i wanted to invite her and her boyfriend for dinner at our house only then she told me that she will tbe away on a trip within the country to a different city for vacation. Before that, she didnt even mention they were planning a trip. This was weird because my FI and i went to that city last year for Christmas and didnt she ask me for any information about a hotel or what to do there etc – whereas all my other friends which are not so close that are planning to go there asked me about this place and she always tells me when she plans on going somewhere on holiday or asks me for advise for somewhere that i have already been and she hasnt been yet.. This made me think that she was not honest and she was hiding this from me so that i am not disappointed that we will not spend time together during the holidays.. Anyway although she would be visiting for around 10 days, she will only be in our city for 5 days including holidays and that leaves only time to see each other basically for a coffee at most since during the holidays everyone spends time with family and friends. I do not mind because holidays are a super busy time but i do not appreciate the hiding she is doing.. and she has also done something similar when she was invited to a party of an ex-friend of mine (who treated me very badly) and she was asking me about advise on what dress to wear but did not tell me who was having the party and then only the day before the party she called me out of the blue to tell me that the ex-friend is the one having the party and i undestood that the only reason she told me was that she was planning to upload photos on facebook from the party and she told me so that i do not just see it from facebook and realise that she was hiding it from me, which she was actually doing so that i do not get mad she was planning to go to a party of thsi ex-friend of mine.. The thing is that i will see her for say a coffee if i even see her during Christmas holidays and next time i will see her will be in summer if i even see her then because she goes on vacation. I feel we have been drifting apart.. My other friend on the other hand has been very supportive and she is my best friend who i would have chosen in the first place if the other MOH hadnt asked me first and i feel she deserves it more to be my MOH and i would prefer her to be.. I will definitely discuss these issues with MOH but do you think it will ruin our friendship if i tell explain these issues and why i think its best if she is not my MOH after all..??
Post # 9
Brunette26: You don’t sound like a very good friend. You don’t own her and you certainly are not entitled to every last detail of her life. Not telling you every detail of her life is not the same thing as hiding things from you.
You are definitely over thinking the travel advice.
Post # 10
You can make her your matron of honor. I’ve know girls to have 2 but don’t demote her from her position in the wedding. Just embrace the fact that you do have someone there helping you. If this other friend wants to do all this with you and she knows she is not the MOH then you have a good friend. Don’t let this upset you just continue about your wedding business and have a good time.
Post # 11
My maid-turned-matron of honor ended up being a bit of a disappointment. I oticed as soon as I had started planning my wedding she became less and less interested in talking with me. She quickly threw together her own wedding in about two weeks, and after that all communication pretty much stopped aside from two in-person times we managed to talk to each other, and a few texts over the course of three months.
It’s been nine months since my wedding, where she stood as matron of honor, but we don’t talk much anymore, and haven’t at all in three months or so. Your wedding could very well end up being your last hoo-rah with this girl.
Post # 12
this makes me feel better about myself as a MOH…I always thought I kinda slacked when I was a MOH for my friend, but jeez some of these stories are bad!
Post # 13
Being a MOH or bridesmaid is more than a cute dress… It’s a job and I told each h of my girls
Post # 14
I won’t be having a MOH since my brothers will be standing with me, but I remember being disappointed with a MOH in a wedding I participated in a couple years ago as a bridesmaid.
Right from the start she was very bossy toward all the bridesmaids, telling us exactly the hairstyles we were going to have, etc. She specifically told me that she booked an appointment at a salon for her, mysef, and another bridesmaid to get our hair done on the day of the wedding. ONE DAY before the wedding, she told me she “forgot” to include me in the appointment, and that I’d have to make my own. Of course, that salon was booked up by now. What a b*tch. I ended up letting my mom do my hair and it was beautiful.
Post # 15
I hired and fired my sister as my MOH probably a solid 5 times. In the end she was my MOH because I love her and she means a lot to me. A MOH is a title of honor, someone you are close to not because you need someone to do all these random wedding tasks for you. I was so frustrated for the longest time that she wasnt participating or excited in wedding planning or activities, but that’s just her, I can’t make her interested in things she’s not. If I picked my MOH based on who did the most, I would have regretted it in the end. So ill repeat, MOH is someone you love and are close with not someone who does wedding work.