(Closed) Anyone Else Been Through This? Warning – Long Post Ahead

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Well, it’s only 2 hours and 45 minutes so I dont’ think it’s so bad. Maybe once he’s there he can work out a 4/10 schedule so he doesn’t work on fridays. We were LDR for like….oh, maybe 5 years total. 15 of those he was deployed. We got married and then spent the first 6 months LDR. It was not a big deal to us…it was same as ever. I have a coworker who works/lives here and his wife works/lives in Chicago where she is a professor. He said it’s not like they could pay student loans for 2 off 1 salary, so they’re making it work. They put a 3 year cap on it though.

How long would you be OK doing LDR? Would you move with him if you were engaged? Because I could easily see him doing this for a month and then proposing and begging you to come move in with him! What would yo do? Can you find a job there?

Frankly, I guess it’s me, but I don’t think you guys are that far apart =]. I”d have considered myself lucky!

I think you’re being very selfless by encouraging him to take the job since you think it’ll be so good to him. But i’d evaluate why you wouldn’t move to be with him, since you’ll now have TWO sets of living expenses again. Would putting a rock on your finger change everything? I guess I never got this concept–most of friends won’t move without a rock, but I feel ike the committment was made long before the tangible ring, so I never fully comprehended it

Post # 4
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I suppose my question would be if you guys have discussed engagement.  I couldn’t imagine my boyfriend feeling like he had to choose me or the job, he should say “hey, I have this great job opportunity and I want to have you also”.  Unless there are other specifics for not moving forward with engagement and marriage (i.e. finances).  Have you had a conversation about what direction this is going into?

Post # 5
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I must say you are in a hard position… I unfortunately had to pick living four hours away in another city or staying in the current town… It was very hard as it was like choosing my parents or him… I chose staying but not with him. When he realized that I was going to be doing my own thing, he felt he had to step up and ask me to move in with him. I agreed under the condition that we we have to have some plans for marriage.

Here we are two years later and he is finally buying my e-ring. While I understand your postion, consider speaking to him  kindly along the lines of the “future” talk. You guys have been together long enough to know what your relationship can sustain. I sacraficed my college life and living my 20s but what I can tell tell you is that it has probably been the best decision I have ever made. Love conquers all.

I wish you all the best and good luck.

Post # 6
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I totally understand where you’re coming from.  When my Fiance got into an amazing graduate program, there was no question that he would go, and he seemed to have no question that I would go with him.  We’d been together for five years, and I made it clear that I needed a commitment first–a ring and a date.  He was a little uncomfortable with being rushed, but it wasn’t a huge deal because he was already ring shopping.  I had already moved once for him, and it had worked out great, and I was happy to do it again because the school he got into was my number 1 choice (it has the #1 PhD program in the country in my subject area), but there was something that just didn’t feel right.  To me, it was like, “if we’re so committed that we’re building our lives around each other and making these decisions together, then what’s the delay on the engagement?”  For him, the delay was that he’s the pickiest shopper ever….and he ended up proposing well before the move.  But the point is, that you’re not out of line–if you’re building your lives around each other and making decisions together….why no ring?  The feeling that you’re moving backwards if he goes without you is understandable, but perhaps that will be just the impetus he needs to realize that he doesn’t want to live without you.  I’m so sorry you’re going through this!  ((HUGS)) 

Post # 7
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

J and I actually did have a similar conversation lately, and I told him that me planning to move with him was putting the cart before the horse. I said that even though I love him and plan to spend my life with him, that it wasn’t fair to ask me to plan “our life” when there isn’t an official “our life” yet.  I felt a little harsh when I said that but I also think that it was the right thing to say– since then, J’s been talking a lot more about getting engaged– last night he asked he how much I’d like for him to spend on the rings and if we’d do engagement pictures. That may not be the right approach for you and your guy, but I felt like I needed to stand up for myself as well. 

Post # 8
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

yup. Mr. Berry moved 4 hours away from me a little more than a year and a half ago for a job. He had been laid off from his previous position, and because of the industry he is in, he had to take what he could get.

I freaked out about him moving, but I knew he had to follow his dreams (as corny as that sounds). I also was not willing to move with him at that point in time, for a variety of reasons (primarily my job and my unwillingness to move 4 hours away without a deeper committment). After a lot of talks and many tears (mine) we decided that we’d be long distance for a year and then re-evaluate the situation.

Fast forward a year and a half, and I have quit my job and moved in with him. And we’re not engaged. Yet. I haven’t pushed this issue, because I didn’t want my moving here to be a bargaining chip — he didn’t force me to move here, and I’m not going to force him to propose just because I did. That said, we talked very very seriously about the state of our relationship, where it is going (and when) before I moved.

Distance is hard, but I agree that it can really solidify your feelings for each other and strengthen a relationship. I’d be careful about basing your decision solely on engagement (but trust me– I get where you are coming from. It was one of my reasons to stay) because it’s not everything. For me, it ended up being enough to know that we each intend this relationship to be permanent, and that we will be taking those steps soon.

Are there other reasons you are hesitant to move? Can you and the bf come up with a plan that has you staying behind at first, but setting an end date? Or a time to re-evaluate?

Post # 9
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

This is all I can tell you.. Mr. Tee and I have been LD for about 10 months now.. but we have been LD friends for OVER 8 years. I love him and it sucks because he is 11 hours (driving) away.. we see each other every 6-8 weeks but in the end for me it is worth it. We have talked about me moving up to Pittsburgh, in which I told him I wouldnt mind doing, but I wouldnt do it without a ring (or official engagement even without a ring).

Post # 11
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - Catholic Ceremony, Cultural Hall Reception

This sounds very much like Mr. Pudding and me.  After college, we both moved home because neither one of us were willing to immigrate without a clear idea of where we were headed (we didn’t consider marriage at that point).  To tell you the truth, it only took a couple of months of travel to figure out that we desperately, passionately wanted to be together.  I have a feeling that after a few weeks of being away from you, Mr. Chicken Wing will do the right thing ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 14
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

There’s not much to say that hasn’t been covered, but I am curious with all of the great reasons you have for staying put for the time being, even if he proposed would you immediately want to move? It sounds like your reasons are very valid and would an engagement change those?

I know going from living together to long distance sounds really difficult, but having gone through it, I can say that a long distance relationship hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. Since my SO moved cross country, we’ve grown closer as we’ve had to rely completely on phone conversations to stay connected and we make more of an effort to make the time we do get together special. I’m not going to say long distance is ideal, but it IS workable.

Also, have you considered moving midway between the two places? That’s another solution that isn’t ideal, but if its temporary, an hour(ish) long commute for each of you could be preferable to living apart.

Post # 15
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

@ Miss Chicken Wing:  I think we might be!  And it really will work out, I’m sure!  You’ve got a good head on your shoulders and you’re making decisions for all the right reasons–everything will fall into place for you!  I think Mr. Chicken Wing will be less than enamored with his solitary existence, and you two will start making other plans shortly–but I totally think you should stick around for the 401k and the vacation!  That is NOT easy to come by!  Getting time off for a wedding, etc. in a new job is a pain. in. the. badonk.  Trust.  I solved that by quitting my job two weeks before the wedding.  OK….that’s not why, but it’s really very helpful.  I don’t know what I would do, otherwise.  I’m glad you’re feeling better, that’s what the Hive is for!

By The Way, every time I read one of your posts I get an uncontrollable urge to eat wings, and I start craving my favorite wing sauce from Quaker Steak and Lube, which we don’t even have here in Nashville.  Anyone have one where they live and want to help a girl out??  ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 16
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Good luck to you, Miss Chicken Wing! It was hard for us, but many of my reasons for staying behind were really similar to yours (work related, logistical). There is a part of me that wanted to hold out and stay where I was until we were officially engaged, but I also knew that the #1 reason I didn’t (don’t) have a ring yet is financial…and I’m okay with that. I’m sure it will work out great for you and Mr. CW.

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