Post # 1
My family is not big on crying. Last night, what I thought was a 1 hr session ended up being 2.5 hours. We brought up some pretty intense issues about my family & how it would continue to impact my marriage, and I cried quite a bit! I was kind of embarassed & tried to make jokes, and my pastor called me for trying to hide my pain.
I seriously feel so exhausted this morning, and I’m having a hard time getting back into the work week! I never really thought about how much my family is going to impact our childrearing, etc in the future…the tough talks we will have to have about boundaries, and it was very upsetting to me.
Did anyone else cry during couseling? Do you think it’s better to feel the pain now than to keep ignoring the issues (since I’m not in a different state from my family)?
Post # 3
It’s always better to be proactive about stuff. Deal with it now before it becomes an urgent problem.
For instance- before we even got engaged my husband and I talked about stuff like whether to get married in a church, what religion to raise our children (since my husband and I differ dramatically on those issues), how to handle finances, where we would live, how we would split up holidays, etc.
He didn’t see why we shouldn’t just "cross that bridge when we come to it" and I tried to explain to him that it’s a lot easier to talk calmly and rationally about those kinds of issies when it’s not immediate.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2018 - Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay
I agree with rosychicklet. It’s best to get everything out in the open and dealt with now, before you’re married & then hopefully when these issues do arise in the future, you will both be better equipped with how to handle it.
It’s completely normal that you cried, so please don’t feel bad about that!
Post # 5
I am not married, but would still like to help you. Feel no shame about crying at marriage counseling! Deal with issues as they arise, before they become a huge problem.
Like I said, I’m not married, but I’ve had a few serious relationships. One boyfriend did not communicate with me at all, and then when we broke up two years later, he finally opened up and said "When you asked me to get you a piece of pie in front of my relatives 2 Thanksgivings ago, that really pissed me off." I was devastated! Not at what he said, but the fact that it took him 2 years to tell me something! Good for you for opening up and dealing with things…you’re on your way to a fantastic marriage! Facing things head on, even though they may hurt sometimes, will help you guys in the long run.
Post # 6
Marriage counseling was very eye-opening, and emotional. But we grew together much more through that experience, and were able to be much more supportive of eachother’s family backgrounds, insecurities, etc.
I would definitely recommend for anyone. The best thing we could’ve done. (especially with a pastor you know)
Post # 7
First it’s healthy to cry. I know you are tired… but I am guessing you have been through a lot with planning and juggling so much. ~*Hugs*~. Hang in there, and don’t focus on the fact you cried during a premarital session. Try to focus on what it stems from so that instead of feeling exhausted you can sense you worked something out. And try to find a way to get to that ‘good place’/ to terms with whatever made you cry. <?>
Post # 8
Of course you cried! Bringing up heavy issues that will effect you for the rest of your life will bring out the most serious emotions that you have!
*hugs hugs hugs*
My fiance and I have been with a therapist for a while now (mostly because we don’t have a religious faction to go through for pre-marital counceling) and the second session made me feel like I wanted to run away forever, the issues were so intense and hard to work through. AS my therapist always says, though, being there and trying to work through them just shows you how much both of you care. By the fifth or sixth session my relationship with my fiance reached new heights of comfortableness and clarity I never thought possible.
Hang in there. My relationship with my parents grew, too, when I started tackling the issues I have inherited from them. If you put your issues and problems off, you’ll likely start harboring all sorts of resentment or acting all snarky or behaving in ways you don’t like but can’t stop, and it will just take longer to right wrongs and work through the big issues (or even to discover what they are!). I’m sending all the support I can in your direction!
Post # 9
Girl hang in there!! I have issues with my mom too. Maybe you should consider having a session with just you and your family? There are some things you can settle without your Fiance having to be there. Sometimes it can get ugly. I know telling my mom that she would have to back off was stressful, but she will still love you even if she is mad for a while. In the end you are starting a NEW LIFE and it’s up to YOU how involved they are. Let them know that!! It gets better, chin up!
Post # 10
We’re having our first session together with a counselor on Thursday, and I’m 100 percent sure I’m going to cry.
I wouldn’t feel bad about it at all. Pastors/counselors are used to that sort of thing, and I’m sure your fiance wants to support you any way he can.
Post # 11
The thing is – if you can’t talk about it when it’s not an immediate, emotional issue, when you’re not in the middle of whatever situation all the baggage you have from the past is making worse, you’re not going to be able to talk about it when you really have to. Communication is key to making a marriage work. Getting everything out on the table might be painful, but getting it over with and realizing that your Fiance loves you just the same is completely worth it. Of course it’s exhausting!! I totally feel for you there. But it’s way better to for your spouse to understand where you’re coming from – why you react the way you do – than not. Hang in there.
Post # 12
I got in a big fight with my fiancee about how many kids go have! It’s ok. Everyone has challenges and crying and fighting are ok. Seriously. 🙂
Post # 13
It wasn’t premarital counseling, but it was basically financial counseling, your emotional relationship with your money, etc. I BAWLED. Completely out of nowhere AND my mom and sister were there and now my mom thinks my Fiance have nearly irreconcilable money issues. It was bad. Long story short, I’m with you on this one. And crying definitely helped, as awful as it was then. So as tired you are now, I’d bet it’ll be worth it.
Post # 14
I am a trained counselor and have been on both sides of the "couch" many times. It is totally normal to cry in counseling. I have sobbed like a baby myself (as the counselee, not the counselor) and had many clients cry.
Counseling brings up intense emotional issues to which you have natural, emotional reactions. The good thing is that the person doing the counseling is trained to help you work through the issues in a safe environment. So don’t worry, there is nothing wrong with you for crying. Unless, however, the counselor pushed you way too far. Did you feel unsafe? Or was it the magnamity of the issues that brought you to tears?
As to your second question, pain now vs. pain later, I vote pain now :). It is so good to deal with the issues when they are not actively plaguing you, in a safe environment, when you have a facilitator there, than when the issues are rearing their ugly heads and it’s four o’clock in the morning and there’s no one but your similarly upset husband to talk with.
Going to premarital counseling can be like getting a flu shot. It can hurt a little but not unbearably, and you might get mildly sick or experience some pain around the injection site, but that fleeting pain will save you from a world of hurt down the line. When the real flu bug comes knocking, you’re prepared to resist it! But if you’re not used to getting shots the pain might seem much more intense. But if you’ve ever had the flu, you know which is really worse….
Take heart. Keep doing this good work even though it hurts a little and the benefits to your relationship will be myriad. Not only will you resolve some of these issues (or at least know them better) you will learn valuable communication skills with your fiance. It’s going to be worth it.
Post # 15
Yeah, I cried. I’m a dork. It wasn’t over serious issues or anything like that-our pastor asked Fiance how he felt about me…I started crying when he was talking. I started sobbing when he started talking about how he felt about my twins. They will be 6 in October-their birth father left after 16 years together (6 dating, promised & engaged, 10 years married) when they were only 15 months old, so they’ve never had a paternal presence in their lives. How David feels about US…meaning the twins and I…touches me on a very deep level that I don’t think I can explain…and not to be rude, but I don’t think anyone else can understand unless they’ve been a single mom with the father absent. How your SO feels about your kids, when he falls in love with them, when he chose you AND them…more than I can ever express here.