Post # 1
Regular bee going anon in the hope of some honest, non biased opinions.
I have made the decision to cut my mother out of my life.
There has not been one, pivotal moment which caused this decision, simply a long burning consistently negative relationship where I’ve finally realised I don’t need this in my life and the negativity isn’t something I can put up with any longer.
To give a few examples:
– she has told me several times that she never wanted me and, had she not been 5 months pregnant when she found out, she’d have aborted me and I wouldn’t be here
– she always acts like life is a competition. If I had a black cat, hers would be blacker.
– will no answer phone calls or texts for weeks on end, then when I finally take a stern line and tell her it’s unacceptable she used every “poor me” excuse in the book
So, I’ve decided to cut ties for my own mental health and happiness.
Considering Fiance and I live an 8 hour drive away, what is the best way? I initially thought phonecall, however I highly doubt I would get a word in and her name calling and crocodile tears would start. Is an email, text, letter more appropriate?
Anyine out there done this? How did you do it? Was it due to one huge thing, or lots of little things?
Thanks in advance!
Post # 2
Yep. I cut out my dad 15 years ago when I was 15. I loved him dearly as a child but as I grew I realized he was incredibly manipulative and made me have intense feelings of shame and guilt and anxiety I still deal with today. I decided I was just done w his BS and stopped visiting him, refused his calls, ignored his emails– nothing. I literally have not spoken to him since. Every once in a while he’ll try to send me an email but I don’t respond (my sister cut him out too and she has “weakened” and let him back in a few times and its ALWAYS ended horribly). I don’t regret it at all, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders.
Post # 3
I had to do this with my mother. It was a long built up process. After many years of emotional and verbal abuse I had enough. I decided to call it quits when she started yet another fight with me the week before my first bridal appointment. It has been hard but I think its well worth it for me to have some breathing space and regain my sanity. She was so negative all the time that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was always so stressed out when I was with her or talking to her.
Basically, I set my boundaries with her one last time, I gave her the opportunity to decide for herself if she wanted to maintain our relationship. I told her that if she was not respectful of said boundaries that I would have no problem cutting her out of my life. She agreed…two weeks later she blew up on me again and I said enough is enough. I hung up on her and we haven’t spoken since.
It certainly isn’t easy and there are times when I miss her (all these Mother’s Day commercials are hard) but it was the best decision for me right now. Good luck Bee. Stay strong!
Post # 4
Thanks for sharing your story, I appreciate it.
I’m glad you have no regrets, that is a worry somewhere in the back of my little mind. I have tried limited contact in the past but that has left me feeling worse as that’s when the emotional manipulation starts, so I am sure a clean break is what’s needed. Thanks bee 🙂
Post # 5
you’re welcome! I do feel sad that I don’t have a dad – I have a great father-in-law though. I did have moments of guilt a bit when I was pregnant with my first child (his first grandchild) but I decided to not contact him (he knows now I’m sure that I have 2 children). Of course finding out he was a sexual predator really had made me thankful for my decision.
Post # 6
“She was so negative all the time that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was always so stressed out when I was with her or talking to her.”
This resonates so much!! That’s what I haven’t been able to put into words, I feel more stressed when she is present than when she isn’t.
I’m sorry you had to deal with this while wedding planning. I understand you still missing her occasionally, it’s natural.
I’m so glad it was a good move for you and you did what you felt necessary to enjoy a happy life. Thanks for sharing your story.
Post # 7
Yep and it was well worth it. (Mine had many other problems though). I just simply walked away one day and never looked back. I gave no warning and did not even mention my plan because I did not want to be sucked back in.
Post # 8
FIs family are amazing and truly treat me as though I was blood. His family are so respectful of us as a couple, our boundaries, our hopes and dreams and they take a genuine interest in our lives. I’ve never had that from my mother. I think I’ve finally realised that what I want from her just isn’t possible and I’ll always be disappointed.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that news!
Post # 9
Thanks for sharing your story. I considered that, however I worry about her constantly calling, texting, fear she would turn up at our house so think a clean break briefly outlining why is what is needed. I feel any other course of action would prolong reaching the outcome I hope for.
Did you have that person or people try to get in touch after? How did you handle it? How did you feel?
Post # 10
I cut my mother out a decade ago after she kicked me out of her apartment and left all my stuff on the curb, including a laptop and other expensive items. I sent a registered letter explaining how I felt, and that I will speak with her if she can recognize the damage of her actions. I checked to be sure she signed for it so the ball was in her court. I didn’t hear from her for years, until she had cancer and needed someone. I helped her, as I would a stranger and after she was recovering I knew I just had no care left. She doesn’t want to be in my life anymore than I want to be in hers.
As for my father, our relationship was severly damaged in my early 20’s. We remained polite but distance until my wedding. We had a huge fight and I do not expect a resolution.
It is tough because so many do not understand and can be very judgemental. It hurts, its lonely at times. But you have to do what is healthiest for you. Skip the phone call. Write a letter if you want. Or simply stop engaging
Post # 11
I don’t speak to my mom. She has a relationship with my son but not me. I was close to her until around the time I turned 20, five years ago. I just woke up and realized that she wasn’t a mom to me my whole life. She was a weak woman that never truly raised any of her children. She bought us alcohol – I drank like an alcoholic when I was 15. She took me off of birth control when she knew I was sexually active. She let me drop out of school. She just didn’t have any responsibility for me and because of it, I just kind of went wild. I got pregnant at 16 and had a little boy when I was 17. She was so happy, it was sick. She always wanted me to have a baby ‘for her’ that it later struck me as basically intentional that I ended up getting pregnant so young. I was just so young and I feel like my mom ruined my life in many ways by not being a mother at all for me or my brothers. They’re depressed and obese. She hasn’t changed.
What really sealed it was a couple of years ago I asked her why she never told me she loves me and she said, “I just can’t.” When I was younger, I use to bother her all of the time telling her I love her, as like a weird game, and she wouldnt respond. As an adult, I realized I never loved her either.
Anyway, it happens. Sometimes the best thing to do is admit that you didn’t *choose* for this person to be your family and in that same regard, neither did they in the end. I wouldn’t write or get in touch in any way personally unless you do need some sort of attention or perspective here. I let it go and just stopped speaking to my mom outside of “hi, bye” small talk if I see her. If your mom doesn’t really try normally to be in touch then it probably won’t be hard to maintain the silence without conflict.
Post # 12
In a weird way it is comforing to know that other people have gone through this and are doing alright.
and like the PP I also have no regrets….for me I basically put the control in her hands. I laid out my expectations and clearly stated that if she couldn’t meet them then I was out. You have to follow through when you say such things though so be prepared to follow through if you make the threat!
Post # 13
I’ve seen you share little insights into your family on other posts over the last year or so, and thank you for the more in depth story.
I think the lack of acceptance of how her actions make me feel is a large part of this decision. I’ve given her several chances, clearly and maturely explained what she did and how it made me feel, only to be told I’m too sensitive and she “didn’t mean it like that” which I now realise are just classic techniques.
I also remember you speaking about you father before the wedding. I’m sorry it turned out this way, but hope you feel happy in your decision and feel happier without his presence.
Thanks again for sharing, I appreciate it.
Post # 14
I’d just ghost her. Stop replying to texts/calls/etc.
I guess I sort of have cut my dad out of my life. Though, he wasn’t really there to begin with. I have his new Girlfriend on FB (new as in, like 4 years), but I haven’t seen him for probably 10 years, and haven’t talked much more than that.
It really sounds like it would be better for you mentally to have her out of your life. I’m sorry she is being so terrible to you!
Post # 15
I cut off my entire extended family, started with just my parents and siblings, and I don’t regret it a bit. I always thought I was overly sensitive, annoying, dramatic, etc. Only because that is what I was told by my parents all my life. They were high all throughout my childhood and physically abusive. It took having my children to realize they’re assholes and I’m a normal, semi well adjusted woman. The cut off lead to therapy and it is SO validating. The last thing you want to regret is keeping negativity in your life as it is too short. I’m sorry you didn’t get the mother you deserve.