(Closed) Anyone else cut a parent out their life? πŸ‘Š

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I haven’t completely or “officially” cut my mother out, but I only see her about once a year at family gatherings like Christmas. She tries to call maybe once every couple of months, if that, and I just don’t answer. She doesn’t email or text or anything like that. I haven’t bothered letting her know that I don’t want her in my life anymore because on the rare occasions I see her discussion is limited to small talk, and although it stresses me out I can deal with it. 

After years of verbal abuse, our relationship pretty much ended when I was 18 and she told me essentially the same thing OP’s mom did; if my dad didn’t want me she would have aborted me.

I sometimes feel guily about cutting her out and not answering her calls because when I was 10 she was diagnosed with brain cancer, and has never been the same since. When she went through radiation some parts of her brain got fried (like she can’t do simple math anymore and her fine motor skills aren’t so great), so this likely explains some alterations to her personality. However, while she was ill (she’s been in remission for nearly 15 years), I think she discovered that she liked being taken care of, and has continued to totally take advantage of the people around her.

Anyway, this is getting much longer than I intented! When I start feeling guilty I just remind myself that it doesn’t matter how she got to be this way, she’s a nasty and toxic person, and I don’t have to subject myself to that.

Post # 18
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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snugglebutt:  My mother got breast cancer shortly after the first time I cut her off. I think she very much enjoyed being taken care of like you mother. She continued to expect everyone to drop everything for her when she needed us. I feel you pain! So sorry you had to experience this as well!

Post # 19
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

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anonynonynony:  This thread hits close to home. I have had a broken relationship with my mother my entire life. She is selfish, a drug addict and takes advantage of anyone who will let her. I am at the point where being in the same room and hearing her breathe turns my day upside down. I am highly considering eloping just so I don’t have to tell her she isn’t invited to my wedding. I don’t have any advice for you, but I just want you to know that you are not alone.

 

biggest hug ever*. 

Post # 21
Member
1153 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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anonynonynony:  My Fiance and I cut contact with his entire family back in January. We didn’t want to cut ties with everyone, we only wanted to stop having contact with his parents. But unfortunately, when you cut off the parents, the rest of the family follows along. It’s been tough at times, but my Fiance is incredibly happy and his anxiety levels went from 100 to 0 instantly. 

His mother is extremely toxic and we suspect she is narcissitic (like she could be diagnosed by a clinician it’s that bad). FI’s father is an enabler, and he allows his wife to treat my Fiance like absolute shit. My Fiance is definitely the scapegoat in the family, and FI’s sister is the golden child. And even though she is the golden child, it doesn’t prevent her from being emotionally abused. My future Mother-In-Law has told her own daughter that she is to blame when she miscarried. She said it was because she wasn’t a “good enough mother”. To her own daughter. Seriously, she is so unhealthy it’s insane. 

We were definitely surprised when FI’s sister stopped speaking to us because she knows exactly why we cut ties with his parents, and she has even said herself that she wishes she could cut ties with them. But unfortunately, she just won’t do it. FI’s father only called when he wanted money (because FI’s mother would get pissed with her husband and spent all the money that was meant for bills…) and that’s the only time we heard from him. In person, they always started talking about what a horrible son Fiance was and how he was such a disappointment and how embarrassed they were of him. 

My Fiance is an outstanding man. He’s working as an EMT, has put himself through school completely on his own, has paid off his car, and is very much loved by all of my family and our friends. It’s a shame they will never see their own son as the wonderful person he is. That is our personal experience as to why we cut ties.

Honestly, we haven’t told his parents “We are going no contact with you” because they would lose their shit and they would never understand. They would think it’s our fault and never take responsibility. So we just stopped speaking to them and seeing them, without warning. I know that sounds harsh, but its’s exactly what we needed to do. FI’s mom still calls and leaves voicemails, and pulls the entire “Woe is me. I’m so sad, you’re breaking my heart” crap. And we live in the same city as them so if they stop by, we simply don’t answer the door. You can write a letter, I strongly recommend keeping everything written down and sticking to a text based communication. Think of it as keeping records. 

It might be hard for the first few months, and there will probably be a moment or two where you feel sad or guilty. But those moments pass quickly when you realize you’re better off without the toxicity. Just make sure your Fiance backs you up 100% on your decision. It’s extremely important to have his support and to also stick to your guns when you make this kind of decision. Best luck to you bee

Post # 24
Member
1153 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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anonynonynony:  I am so glad to hear your Fiance is supportive. I have noticed that makes a world of difference in a situation like this. Also, thank you for that last sentence. That touched me so much.

Post # 25
Member
3109 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

My husband has cut his mother out of his life completely, I’ve never met her.

I have my parents on what I think of as a distanced relationship (mostly due to my mother), we talk every few months, I see them once or twice a year and I’m the only one even making even that little effort. They relationship is completely one sided, and they’ve let me down time and time again, so although at this point I’m not willing to sever all ties, I need to keep my space.

Sometimes it hurts too much to keep trying and keep being let down, do what ever you need to do for your own mental health.

Post # 26
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I was 13 when i cut my abusive father out of my life. It was simple, but chaotic, and emotionally difficult; not because I felt guilty or regretted the choice to live with my mom and cut all ties, but because every emotion I had stoically repressed throughout years of abuse came unexpectedly flooding out. It was like a dam broke. It sucked for everyone involved. Since then he’s tried multiple times to weasel his way back into my life, and my awesome family has been fully supportive of me telling him to cram his false sentiments and weak efforts to rebuild a broken relationship only when it suits him. He’s always been a toxic person, a manipulator and an abuser, and I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life, nor do I miss it. He doesn’t know me anymore, and weddings are dignified and intimate events, reserved for friends and family. He forfeited the privelage of attending years ago. 

Life is too short to allow toxic people to drain you, especially during such a monumentous time in your life. I think if you feel that cutting ties is what’s best for you, the best thing to do is make it quick and clean. Trust your decision, and yourself, and just stay kind and confident.

Best wishes, Bee. I’m sorry you’re going through this. 

Post # 27
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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anonynonynony:  It’s been this way for me for years now, so in time you’ll be able to take a look back and sort through things more. When this was all fresh for me it was awful and so, so stressful. It’s like the ultimate rejection, and it hurts so much to be rejected by the one person that is supposed to love you unconditionally. I also definitely recommend talking to a therapist, that has also helped me out a ton. E-hugs!

Post # 28
Member
2356 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m seriously thinking of cutting out my father after the exchange I had with him yesterday in regards to the wedding.

He’s a miserable man. CHeated on my mother for 20 years then decided one day to leave(though I guess he was planning it all along). He cares about no one but himself. His gf died so he found another chick to fill her spot in short order. His other two kids don’t talk to him and I’m the only one left standing on the island. He’s done nothing for me, yet I’m the one who drops everything and helped when his gf died of cancer, was there emotinally etc. etc. I make time out of my way to include him in Xmas although its my most hectic time of the year.

Yesterday he told me to elope because “I don’t give a shit about those people.”

…wait..what? The same people you knew for 20 years you don’t care for…at all? Maybe he doesn’t but do I really need his negative vibes at my wedding or in my life. I’m not 16 anymore. He can’t boss me around and spew out his rude comments whenever he feels. Or he can…I just wont be there.

 

 

Post # 29
Member
3030 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

It depends on your family. I went no contact with my family almost three months ago. I read up on all the appropriate ways to do this and the most recommended was to simply cease contact. So that’s what I tried. It did not personally work for me as my family lives close to me.

So, after they kept trying to contact me, I sent a clear message stating that I wanted no contact for my health and that I would no longer be answering any forms of communication nor would I see them in person. Everyone, for the most part, listened to this at first except my father. He threatened to send police to my home and camp on my lawn. He said we had to meet in person for him to leave me alone but then he added that these visits would need to continue every so often. So, naturally I said no because that defeated the purpose of no contact. The police did come with him about a week later. It was evident that he did not tell them I specifically told him to leave me alone because they were surprised when I had told them that I had. They asked if I wanted to tell him in person and I said no. So, they helped me get to my car ensuring he didn’t try to follow me and I assume they told him he had to leave since he was gone by the time I got home later.

Since then, I had two weeks of them not trying to contact me which was great health wise. However, recently I got a couple different messages from family members. I cannot change my phone number just yet for other reasons. However, I will be changing my number later this year. I can block them but it still lets voicemails through. I have blocked them on all social media. So, that’s about it. Fiance and I plan to move in a few years so I just have to get through things till then. I think ultimately the distance will help from what I’ve read from others going no contact.

Some people stop contact all together, some write a letter, and some fade out by slowly reducing contact until there is none. There’s no right or wrong way. However, be careful not to get pulled in by their manipulation. Stick to your plan and remember not to justify or try to rationalize the reason you’re doing so to them or to anyone. Best of luck to you.

Post # 30
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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Clove86:  I’m sorry you went through this too but it is somewhat comforting to know that other people have experienced this.

My parents ended up divorcing because of this and my extended family on my mom’s side was so angry with my dad at first. How could he abandon a sick woman? It was so frustrating living with her and seeing a side that other people not as close to the situation didn’t see. Over the years though the rest of the family has started seeing how she really is and understanding why my dad had to get out.

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