(Closed) Anyone else cut a parent out their life? 👊

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
974 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

I’m an older Bee (56) – my dad is manipulative and selfish even now in his mid 80’s. He was physcially and verbally abusive to me when I was younger but he was really bad to my mother and I consider him partially responsible for her depression. I still don’t fully understand why she stayed with him. For the sake of my mother, I did not completely cut him out but, I definitely minimized contact. My mom passed about a year ago and I’ve been forced to have more contact with him and, even at my age, it’s exhausing and emotionally traumatic. I wouldn’t make a point of calling to let her know – just stop visiting, calling, taking calls, etc. I can tell you that, if your mom is anything like my dad, you will not for one moment regret it.

Post # 32
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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snugglebutt:  My parents also ended up dvorcing but that was before the cancer thank god…

But then it was all ‘Oh poor ____, she’s going through a divorce and now cancer’. I initially was really upset about her diagnosis and I dropped everything to be there for her through her surgery and most of her treatment. I totally put all the negative, manipulative and mean things she had said and done to me aside to be there for her. It was fine for a few months but as soon as she started to feel decent again the wrath came back out.

We have been on this rollercoaster for years….she does or says something terrible to me and I cut her out. Then the guilt sets in and I let her back in. Then it happens again. This last time was it for me, and considering that she hasn’t even attempted to contact me since September and she has missed all my wedding planning activities to date, I don’t even feel bad anymore. At some point the guilt wears off.

I keep hoping one of these days she will turn it around but I just don’t see it happening.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  Clove86.
Post # 33
Member
4227 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

After a lifetime of verbal/mental/emotional/occasionally physical abuse from my narcistic mother, I too chose to cut her out of my life. I also cut out my father by proxy (her enabler). 

Our relationship unfortunatly ended over wedding planning. She was playing another one of her ‘head games’, and told me that “for the sake of [her] emotional well being, she could nolonger have me in [her] life.” She was saying that to get a rise out of me, but I didn’t take the bait. I told her that if this were the case then there would be no more holiday visits and birthday phone calls. Someday I would have children, and she would never even know their names. She said she was fine with that. I told her to have a nice life.

When she realised I wasn’t playing her game this time, she spent the next few months trying to bully me into speaking with her again. Trying to make it look like it was all my fault, and I should be HONOURED by her wanting me back. I blocked her off all social media, so she started using other family members accounts to try and contact me and having them ‘spy’ on me…so unfortunatly I had to block them too. I blocked her phone number, so she started calling and texting me from other phones…and I kept blocking those numbers as they popped up. I was VERY tempted to change my phone #, but the calls stopped so I opted not too….plus I had the same number for seven years so it would be a PAIN to change it! She also started sending letters to my home. I sent them back unopened. When I moved (unrelated to this situation) you better believe she didn’t get my new address. My only worry is her coming to my work to make a scene. But my office is located in a building with security on site, so I have nothing to worry about so long as I could tough out her presence for the time it takes seciruty to respond to a page.

If I could do it all over again, I would have handled it much better. This WAS an accident waiting to happen…and while I was dreaming about it since I was 11, I didn’t want it to be so messy and over planning my wedding. Before I got engaged, I only saw my parents on major holidays and . Those encounters were traumatic at best, and would leave me extremely anxious for days leading up to – and after – the visits. That was all I was comfortable with. I tried to include her in the planning process in a futile attempt to build a bridge. I thought that maybe doing this traditional mother/daughter ritual would somehow ‘fix’ things between us…or at the very least make them a little better. I was VERY wrong! 

Things shouldn’t have gone this far. I moved out when I was 18, and spent ages 18-26 still dealing with her drama and bullshit from afar. I should have ended things politely and civily before I wasted all those years of my life. I would have come to visit her (with a backup support person and a getaway car) and calmly told her to her face we were through. Handled it with the same dignity I would have with any breakup. 

Post # 34
Member
3088 posts
Sugar bee

Yep, sure did.Much happier for it.

For the life of me, I don’t I understand  some of these parents.  On the other hand, there are wonderful people who would love and cherish kids but can’t have any.Life is not fair for real.

Post # 35
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

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anonynonynony:  I changed my phone number and moved. (Obviously, the moving thing won’t work and you might need a brief explanation in your case). Despite this, she was able to still get ahold of me (at work), I just hung up the phone. She will try to contact you and have other people do it too. The best thing to do is to ignore it when it happens. Don’t let her suck you back in because the cycle will just repeat. If she repeatedly shows up at your house after you have asked her not to, you might need to file a restraining order or trespassing charge. (I also had a restraining order against my mom and fyi it won’t stop them but just make them more careful to not get caught). Yes, it was hard but knowing/realizing the problems will happen all of over again stopped me.

 

It has been 12 years since I have contacted her. She tracked me down through friends to tell me she was dying. It was a very hard decision but I choose to not contact her. After everything she put me through, I just didn’t feel that was a good time to all of the sudden try to fix everything and apologize. (In addition to the fact that she had no idea I graduated college and with multiple degrees and have gotten married). She passed away a little later. I do not regret it. 

Post # 36
Member
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I stopped speaking to my father. He was abusive growing up. I was hit and told I was nothing more times then I can count. He also loved his first kids more then me. 

As I grew up, I tried to get past it, things got better when I moved out and in with my boyfriend. After 5 years that relationship ended, he never called me once. When I finally got ahold of him he told me he knew it would always end. There was no point in calling. I was really hurt. Then he started asking me for money. I told him I didn’t have it. I was paying for everything on my own and had no savings. He got pissed and told me he was going to turn off my sell phone.  (something they told me they were happy to keep because they wanted to help me) Pretty much told me I was an ungrateful bitch and ended a text with “have a nice life”. 

I found he talked about me to family too. How I only called him when I needed things, used him. my parents loaned me their extra car for 2 months when mine broke down. That was the only thing I ever asked them for. 

So yeah. After getting the shit end of the stick all my life, I was done. 

My SO’s family treats me like one of their own. I’m happy now. I don’t need people in my life being me down. 

Post # 37
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m dealing with this now. For the past year and a half she has been nothing but negative and has turned every big moment in my life into a crisis for her. My engagement was tarnished because she wasn’t happy about it. Then came he wedding that she tried to ruin. Then a few months of tension. Finally getting back on track when she decided to flip her shit when I told her she couldnt come for xmas and stay a few days because we already had plans. Screaming that my husband was a sociopath (I’ve discussed all of this in past threads). Now a month out from having my first child she started her shit again. She’s upset that she can’t stay with us if she comes to visit ( she should be happy she was invited at all.. Dh doesn’t want her around). Instead of understanding that I need to put my family first, she has resorted to a childlike behavior. She would rather not meet her granddaughter than to be told she cant sleep at my apartment. She apparently has been twisting things about me to her friend and asked her friend, who I’ve known my whole life, to unfriend me on fb. I decided I don’t need this drama, especially since I have high boood pressure and I need to think of he health of my daughter. I’ve blocked her number and email. If sucks snd I felt guilty but I know I’m being manipulated and I’m tired of of. At xmas she sent me an email calling me a disappointment and a bitch. When I brought it up to her recently she couldn’t even apologize. I dot want someone like that around my child. 

So no you are not alone. You have to do what is best for you. Just because someone gave birth to you doesn’t give them the right to treat you like shit. Good luck!!

Post # 38
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I cut ties with my parents about 7 years ago. they were both abusive one sexual and the other physical and emotional (they deserve each other) I have never regretted cutting ties. I do however regret not doing it sooner (I would have saved my daughter a lot of pain)

you need to do what is right for you, if you are doing it for the right reasons you will never regret it. Goodluck 🙂

 

Post # 39
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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anonynonynony:  I cut my dad out of my life almost a year ago. It was a really hard decision, but he is an extremely toxic person and I finally just snapped. I wouldn’t say there was a specific “moment” per se, it was more of a series of events. I originally wrote him a letter, when I still had hope of resolving our issues. That only last a couple of weeks before he went back to being himself. It probably was not the healthiest course of action, but I literally left him a note saying “I’m done” and didn’t speak to him again. He never tried to get in contact with me. Even after I got engaged, he never reached out, despite finding out from other family members. Sometimes I get really sad about it, but overall, I’m a thousand times healthier and happier since I ended our relationship. My dad is a very, very unhealthy person, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that he was dangerous to my mental health for most of my life. I will always love him, but that doesn’t mean I have to put up with his toxicity, manipulation, and emotional abuse. I’m inviting him to the wedding as a courtesy to my other family members, but I highly doubt he’ll show up. If he does, he will only be a guest, just like everyone else. My brother is walking me down the aisle. Good luck with your situation, I hope things work out for you! 

Post # 40
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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anonynonynony:  My Fiance cut his mom out of his life last year. He tried to explain it to the rest of his family, but they took her side, so by association he doesn’t speak to them either, although has kept them on Facebook. I have a lot of posts about this situation if you want to go read them! He sent an email that explained everything because he couldn’t get a word in on the phone or in person with her. He eventually changed his phone number as well. 

Post # 41
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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peegee:  I have the ‘distanced relationship’ thing with my sister. We see each other when we’re brought together by a family function but we don’t talk outside of that. I’ve made countless efforts to be a part of her life and at best she doesn’t care, at worst she make snide remarks about me to my parents. I am done trying for a close sisterly relationship with someone who couldn’t care less.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  misskate18. Reason: Spelling mistake
Post # 42
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

I’m permanently estranged from my father (for reasons similar to some of the previous posts). It was very upsetting, but after the initial shock it was a tremendous relief and one of the best decisions I’ve ever made! It’s over four years now, and I can honestly say I hardly ever think about him. I wish I had done it years ago. Good luck to you, OP.

Post # 43
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

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anonynonynony:  OP, I think cutting her out of your life should be a last resort after exhausting every possible attempt at reconciliation. Your mother seems immature and insecure, but that shouldn’t automatically mean you never speak to her again. I suggest you try therapy with her. You could do it remotely since you’re eight hours away. Try to make amends before cutting ties. You may regret not giving her a chance to change. 

Fiance has cut his father out of his life. The man is manipulative, violent, a felon, and set my Fiance up to be robbed. He viciously assaulted a wheelchair bound elderly couple and stole their meds and money. They were not resisting and he had no reason to assault them. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a sociopath.

Fiance will never see or speak to his father again for as long as the man lives. When his father dies, he will not regret having cut him from his life. 

Post # 45
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I needed to see this thread today as I am about to go through these experiences with my own mother. 

 

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