Post # 1
I’m just getting into posting on the boards instead of lurking. Here’s my brief story/dilemma.
I moved to a new state with my company at the end of 2013, knowing no one. My SO and I met in 2014 online. We talked for two months before meeting in person and have been almost inseperable since. He’s a Vet on disability and not working (but he’s looking hard). We’ve been together now for a year and nine months. We live together and have not had sex yet (it was my decison to wait and he has been the best this whole time). I made it clear before we became official that I only date if I think you’re marriage material and that was what I wanted. He wants the same. We have had many talks about getting married and all of that. He even asked me in January why the wedding wasn’t planned yet which led me to telling him that I needed a date to accurately plan/budget. I gave him two options, our anniversary (9/3) or 10/8 (which has a few meanings for us). His reply: 10/8 is the perfect day to make you my wife. Happy tears!!! So I went into plan mode, told my mom and besties, went dress shopping, everything. I am 80% done with wedding plan, just have to order my dress from a replica store, and buy centerpieces.
He doesn’t want to be rushed into proposing or do it on my timeline. His thing is that it’ll happen the way he wants since this is the only thing he has absolute control over. I get it, really do. But I feel crazy telling my out of state/country family about a wedding when I’m not engaged. Has this happened to anyone else?
Post # 2
If you’re planning a wedding and already have a date, I’d say you’re engaged.
Post # 3
this happened to us. We had several conversations about getting married, and due to immigration (he is American I am not) and concerns about his fathers health and my grandfathers health, we had to decide on a time line for engagement and marriage. We set a date, told close family and friends and a few weeks later he got down on one knee and proposed with a ring. I understand how you feel- it does feel silly to have had the logistic discussions first, and then a proposal later. But this is what worked for us because we are both anal retentive planners, and tend to approach everything with logic over emotions. when you have a ring, you will feel “more engaged” but effectively you already are. I know other couples who have done this — made the decision (and once you have that talk and make the decision to get married really who can help from pinyeresting and planning??) and then got the ring and proposal later. I say what works for YOU TWO works. Every couple is different and not every engagement story is a dramatic surprise proposal. that doesn’t mean that you will be “less engaged” than other people, or that you love eachoyher any less. Please do not let any one, or this weird wedding industry, make you feel badly about the big decision You two have made!
Post # 4
before i read the whole thing, i was thinking you were crazy for planning a wedding without being engaged, BUT you are totally engaged, you just don’t have a ring. it is kinda weird that he wants you to plan the wedding without a ring though. it’s not weird, just probably annoying to explain to everyone, because the first thing is always “let me see the ring!!” i feel like he has this elaborate plan though that’s going to blow you away and waiting for the proposal will be worth it!
i guess though, i’d tell the people that i absolutely MUST have there so that they can make whatever arrangements they need to so they can be there! if they’re close to you they’ll understand. if you don’t think he’ll wait too long, you can hold off on letting everyone know that you don’t want to have to call and explain. just get invites or STDs ready and drop them in the mailbox right after he proposes.
Post # 5
lolis: k8goeslz: Hyperventilate:
He says he’s planning to give me the proposal/ring I’ve always wanted and will remember. I’ve had eyes go straight to my hand when I say I’m getting married, thankfully no questions. I don’t plan to send out STDs, just invitations. I’m too cheap for that. Those who have to travel know about it. After he told his father, who has to travel to get there as well, I asked him if he considered us engaged yet or what. According to him we’re unofficial since he hasn’t proposed yet. But things have moved quickly/out of order from the beginning with us so I guess this follows suit.
Post # 6
We did this too. We agreed that marriage was definitely in our future pretty quickly and we called each other fiances on so e occasions but the official proposal wasnt for another five months. My guy wanted to wait until he could give me the best ring he could afford and he didnt want people to pass judgment on us for being engaged so soon. By the time we got our rings though, we’d pretty much agreed on the theme and guest list for the wedding.
Post # 7
In the same boat. We are also planning on getting married in peak season which is another reason why planning the wedding had to come first (for budgeting and to save the date). However, we are doing a custom made ring and my ring is no where close to being ready and my Fiance doesn’t want to propose without a ring. So formally, we are not engaged. However, in essence we’ve been engaged since I met his parents 2 months ago.
Post # 8
I think a lot of people do this. Honestly though, I don’t really get it. If you two have started working together to plan a wedding you are already engaged.
Not all proposals are a one sided question and a man on bended knee with a ring. But if it’s important to him to still do that ritual even though you are already engaged, power to you.
Post # 9
the word fiance is derived from the french “promise” aka you are promised to be married. which you are. so, you might not be “engaged” but he’s still more of a fiance than a boyfriend.
Post # 11
this would stress me out so badly. I’m so sorry you are engaged but told you aren’t. That is so confusing.
Most of the ladies I know who planned a full wedding without a big ring….don’t get the ring or get it on the wedding day. Why not ask him for a wedding band in the meantime and get a big one in your wedding day? You say he isn’t working maybe it’s the financials that are stressing him out and delaying things?
Post # 12
Dude. You’re engaged. Just because he didn’t propose doesn’t make you less engaged. He waited and missed his chance if proposing was a big deal to him.
Post # 13
stcott: fioreh: icelady:
Thanks I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one. I always do things differently, this shouldn’t be the exception right? lol
Financials is a part, we actually talked about it yesterday. He has options. I don’t require much, I don’t even want a diamond.
Post # 14
We knew we wanted marriage. Talked about it a lot. Fiance wanted me involved in the ring process and didn’t want to do the engagement without the ring. We went custom. Spent a month on one jeweler, had issues with them, and had to switch to a new one. New one took forever…forever. We also go to visit his family at a certain time each year so we had our flight booked. We figured we would have the ring well before then and he could do his “proposal” that he wanted to do. However, we didn’t…the ring was finished shortly before our trip earlier in the month. Fiance didn’t want to rush it because we were leaving out of town. We also needed to tell them in person and we only see them once a year so. So we announced our engagement to everyone as normal. He still plans supposedly to do something before our wedding day but he knows I don’t care. Unfortunately he let it slip that it was going to be planned around a gift he was going to make me…but his brother just let it slip to us both that he was making the gift for me as a wedding gift. So, poor FI’s plans just got slaughtered lmao…😢😓We’re engaged and I’ve felt engaged since we started ring shopping. I did a “proposal” of my own to him a month after we got back from our trip. I had always planned to do one of my own whether before his or after his.
Like PP said…you seem perfectly engaged to me. However, nothing wrong with if you guys are still planning a proposal still. Do what’s best for you.