(Closed) Anyone else dread hanging out with friends?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

anonymousbee12321:  

Unlike PPs, I do not think this is a huge characteristic flaw or “being rude”, unless you are outwardly unpleasant to your friends when you are actually out with them. Really, how many of us actually remember all our friends’ birthday, wedding anniversary, their kids’ birthday, so on and so forth?  Of course, many of us go a bit of an extra mile by marking our calendars to keep track – but does that really make us a “better person”?  I don’t think so….  We could say “happy birthday” on yearly basis, but not care about that person at all.

 

Have you always been negative or unmotivated towards socializing?  If so, I think it may be good for you to step back and take a break.  There is no need to force yourself to socialize.  Accept that you are an introvert, and work your way from there.  Don’t compare yourself to other social people and make your own boundaries.  Perhaps you will do better with smaller group of friends.  Or maybe just one or two.  Do what makes you happy.

If you weren’t always an introvert, think about when and why you began to feel unmotivated.  Once you find that reason, work on it to improve it.

Take this opportunity to learn about yourself. You’ve already done the first and the biggest step, which is to realize that you have a quality you would like to change or understand.  🙂  Good luck.

Post # 47
Member
47 posts
Newbee

I can relate. I am also a introvert and I realize as I get older I appreciate my alone time and doing things I enjoy more.  My friends are getting boring to me as well and I think it’s because when they want to link it’s only because it’s so n so birthday and all they really plan is to go to a lounge blah blah blah taking lots of pics and they can’t wait to post on IG..lol while I’m sitting there like “boring” it doesn’t excite me anymore I rather hang out with one friend instead of big crowds 😏.. I like trying new things, learning, reading even visit a nice museum but they don’t they do the same thing every year, every celebration, every birthday..don’t get me wrong I love my best friends and I’m always there for them and they are there for me too when ever I need them..but at times I feel they are selfish and it’s always about them..I have also noticed that they never call me to take our kids out for play day or to a movie, or visit me when ever. It’s only when it’s a celebration for someone’s birthday so now I what I do is I decline the invite if I’m not up for it.. Or decide that I much rather spend my time with my 5 year old at the park or getting ice cream😀.. 

Post # 48
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee

I do this constantly!!!! 

Post # 49
Member
5816 posts
Bee Keeper

anonymousbee12321:  Don’t under-estimate how burnt out a desk job can make you feel! I spend a good deal of my workday at a desk & it’s just as draining, albeit differently, as past more-physical jobs I’ve held. Add decreased physical activity to this and it can make you feel really sluggish. I’ve found squeezing in the gym after work when possible (even if dragging my ass there is the last thing I feel like doing) actually gives me more energy for the evening. I’ve also cut back on how far in advance I plan casual activities with a friend – Monday’s optimism becomes Friday’s obligation. I might say ‘great’ to meeting for coffee several days in advance, then am just too tired after a hectic week. So now I’ll say ‘call me later in the week and we’ll set something up’ that’s mutually convenient- which might, as others suggested, be coffee at my place or hers in her jammies. Or if you’re a morning person, try making early morning plans rather than later evening plans- coffee or a gym trip before work, a more leisurely Saturday brunch etc. 

Post # 50
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

Yeah, I get like that too. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends… But I like to text message them and see them maybe once every 2 months lol. I love to stay at home with my fiance and cats. Plus, I don’t drive, so I can’t really go visit anyone….But, thats not to say that I would anyway, considering I would prefer to stay home. However, I love going out for lunch or dates with my fiance… Its the only time I actually go out and spend time out of the house. 

Post # 51
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Heheh. There are aspects of your post that are so me too-another introvert!

However, I have also struggled with the fatigue thing and chronic pain over the last year and my interest in people and spending time out with them had severely declined too. I don’t think I’d say either case – yours or mine – is depression.  But I would say it might be time for some blood work. I had some done a few weeks ago and found out some interesting things.

 I already knew I have a minor heart issue as well and due to all sorts of biology and effects from a med, it turned out one of my adrenal glands isn’t working right plus very low on vitamin D (which is starting to really be understood as being important).  So , currently taking some supplements to help that and another vitamin deficiency. Hoping that getting my body in balance and therefore result in mental and emotional energy being renewed too.

& Honestly a tiring job is tiring. It can make dealing with social life hard and make one feel apathetic. But if your physical body isn’t getting everything it needs-it affects our minds, too.

 I’d consider looking at physical issues/bloodwork, etc, long before giving up friends-whether or not you still thoroughly click with them-it seems unusual to not care about them one on one. If you like them in groups, then stick with that. Make it small groups that get together. Introduce friends to each other whatever. 

But at the end of the day-these folks will eventually realize if your friendship is genuine. And if they’ve been real friends to you, I think you should try more to see what’s going on with your feelings toward them. And also- randomly-I can’t remember if you said you liked your job or not-but life is much more than just making money so if your job is “slowly sucking the life out of you” and you don’t even care about the important things to your friends, you should consider a new one, too. It might revamp your interest in life and help fight the apathy. 

Post # 52
Member
1451 posts
Bumble bee

I totally understand how you feel in your posts.  Before I got married, since high school to the time I got engaged/married (I’m an older bride who got married mid 30s) I used to be the biggest extrovert who had a very full social calendar.  I used to love hanging out with my friends, being super active socially (clubs, meet-up groups, did a ton of fundraising events, etc) and always having something going on every weekend.  But the moment I got married (actually it started when I was wedding planning) I just completely lost my energy to be this way.

Today, I am exactly like what you wrote in your OP (minus the tuning friends’ stories out).  I can’t tell you how many times I made plans to hangout with my friends and was initially super excited, but when the day arrives I’m totally dreading the event and am scrambling to find an excuse to not go.  Now I don’t make any plans ahead of time except for big occassions I can’t skip out on (Bdays, holidays, etc).  

When I was younger, my mother would always tell me that after I get married my friends won’t matter so much anymore and that the family that I create will be the biggest thing in my life.  I used to think she was super old-fashioned and out of touch with reality.  But now, I understand what she was saying.

I believe this has to do with the “nesting period” we go through once we settle down.  Plus our energy levels are not the same as they were when we were in our younger 20s the older we become.  If I were you, I wouldn’t worry too much about being anti-social and wanting to stay home.  There are SO many benefits and amazing personal growth opportunities that you can experience during your time of being alone and not having so much outside stimulation in your life.  If this is atypical for you (i.e. you’re not an extreme introvert whose always had social problems all your life), then just as the seasons change this time of quietness and solitude is what’s “in season” for you right now but then a time of being social and active again will come back around.

Post # 53
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

How old are you? Mid 20s? I just turned 26 and have been having the same feelings. I love my friends as people but I don’t have a huge desire to see them or hang out. I care about their well-being but we are growing apart, and both people are just trying to hang on. I’m now realizing how many of my college friendships were superficial (i.e. Partying, drinking), or “fluff.” No real substance. Even my best friend since 6-years-old and I have been distant. People change! You probably just need new friends that align with who you are now. Lately I’ve been hanging out more with DH’s friends wives/girlfriends and I actually look forward to it. 

Post # 55
Member
438 posts
Helper bee

anonymousbee12321: I don’t hang out with my friends much, but when I do sometimes I can relate.  Until I got to the part about tuning out when they say they got a new job or are having a baby. I think your definition of friendship may be a little off. Even if I’m tired/don’t feel like hanging out/don’t want to talk, I still take interest in their lives, esp if it’s something as big of a deal as a wedding or switching jobs. It sounds like your more like acquaintances with your “friends.” It’s okay to feel that way, but don’t pretend to be their friend if your not. 

Post # 56
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

I’m big on family, and my SO and I spend a lot of time together. My friendships have kind of dissolved into texting or calling each other once every couple weeks to talk about life. 

I found that it’s hard to make friends after high school.  

Post # 58
Member
9089 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

This makes me sad.

I am excited to see my friends every weekend. We get together and play Dungeons & Dragons. They’re all wonderful people and my life is better because they’re in it. Even if we don’t always have the same interests, or always agree, we still have a wonderful time together.

I’d be devastated if one of them felt this way.

Post # 59
Member
207 posts
Helper bee

I agree that it feels like a chore, sometimes. There are times when my job is very demanding and when I have some free time, I just want to chill out and do whatever. However, I know that once I’m actually out with my friends, I’ll have a great time.

I don’t ever feel like I’m uninterested in what’s going on in my friend’s lives. I suppose you’re just introverted.

Post # 60
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

anonymousbee12321:  I feel the same exact way. I love the idea of plans, making plans, getting all worked up for them, but then the day of, its like “ugh, why did I make these?” I’m very introverted and I have social anxiety, so I know all of that factors in (social anxiety so bad that I always think people are mad at me… including my mom and Fiance. I even ask them that all the time because I just “feel” it). 

I think lately I’ve also not felt as excited to hang out with friends just because I seem to be in a different life place than most (I have three best friends who we’ve all been best friends since middle school). Two are married with two kids each (and the other also has two stepkids) and the other has a daughter and is in the middle of a divorce. While I have been married and divorced before, I just don’t feel all on the same page with them and so its hard to get excited about what they’re excited about (kids birthday parties) while curbing my excitement (wedding planning) since they’ve all been there (and I don’t want to approach the topic with someone getting a divorce… rude and hurtful as I’ve been there). Maybe its also because Fiance works SO much out of state and so even if I do go out, it’s 99% of the time alone because he’s gone, so its the anxiety of always being the odd one out (3rd, 5th, 7th, etc, wheel). 

I talk to my friends a lot though, and so even though I don’t go out much, I’m talking to one or the other almost every day at least. 

When I was younger (as in middle school/high school age) I always felt left out. I was the only one of my close group not to have a boyfriend, or drive, or have an afterschool job) [my parents werey VERY strict about all that, except the boyfriend part, which didn’t happen until senior year] and then they all moved on their ways, out of town colleges, etc and I stayed put because, as I said, I felt so behind. I didn’t get to do college days, or any of that stuff because I didn’t know what I was supposed to, and being so socially anxious [except I didn’t know what it was calleda t the time] I was afraid to ask for help… even from teachers or school counselors because I was afraid of being judged]. I stayed local, went to community college and then later earned by B.A. online (which all in all was great) but I felt like I had missed vital parts of my life because I was scared to branch out. 

I’ve REALLY been working on it lately though. 

I know that got way off topic, but it sounds in part thats what this is. Not the anxiety part, but maybe just being in diffrent areas of life with people? 

And I can understand the new job, having a baby, etc because I’ve been there too. It seems (which is the key word) that its all exciting (yay!) for all these to take place, but when I do it, get a new job, or got engaged, etc, it was all “oh, well when I….” and they’d launch into theirs and it suddenly became not fun to tell them because I just once wanted someone to share in some excitement with me. 

Then I started hanging out with a couple people who are younger than me and haven’t hit those milestones and it clicked… and in the end made me value my friendship with the others more and now we’ve been working on it. 

So maybe that is some of the case?

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