Post # 1
Growing up, I never had a really good friend that stayed that way. You know when you meet someone and you just click immediately with them, and you have equal interest and effort invested in the relationship? That has only happened once in my life: when I met DBF toward the end of high school.
Shortly after I got to know DBF, I sort of drifted away from my other friends. I realized how the people I spent time with at school would ignore me compared to DBF, and how those girls never wanted to spend time with me outside of school.
Once I got to college, I immediately noticed that everyone was different from me. I’ll admit that I come off as a little standoffish to my peers, but my classmates and I just had different priorities. I had a roommate who would never do things with me, but then she decided to move in with two other girls that she actually knew. This just made me feel even more isolated the first time I had ever left home.
I live alone, my floormates are mainly obnoxious even if you’re talking about the sober ones, and I can’t find anyone who I click with. Granted, I chose my particular university knowing it had a “party school” reputation, but I decided to go there because it had the best program in my state for my major and because I liked the campus. To give you an idea, there was boy in my college success course who bragged about how he almost got arrested because his friend urinated in public and didn’t have any ID on him. Everyone found this funny. Also, it’s not unusual to find my dormmates sitting outside around a bong, even in the open daylight.
I have tried joining organizations there, but everyone who joins seems to be upperclassmen. I can’t find anyone who will still be in school when I graduate. Granted, I should be writing a column for my school newspaper when I get back from break (assuming my horrendous, depression-induced GPA doesn’t get in the way – I’ve been getting counseling, but the damage was done when I started to get help), but I just need general advice.
Post # 3
What about joining intermural activities or a faith-based organization (BSU, CSU, etc.)? Maybe get a PT job? Most colleges have interest-based groups. When I was in college back in the dark ages there was even a pottery shop where students could go. Also, look off campus…join a book club or volunteer organization. There are lots of places you can make friends but you have to make an effort.
Post # 4
I can relate completely. Social anxiety is a real issue for me. I have a hard time making and keeping new friends. Maybe try some cognitive behavioral therapy for it, if that’s the case. If not then I agree on trying some groups.
Post # 5
@Luvdisc: do you have Alpha Phi Omega at your school? It’s a coed fraternity built on public service. I joined when I was a freshman (your school sounds exactly like mine) because I wasn’t really into the superficial girls in my dorm. Everybody was super nice, the events weren’t built around drinking, etc. Also, do you have an equivalent to the Sierra Club there? It’s a group of folks who are focused on ecosystem sustainability and they do a bunch of cool stuff. Both of these groups had males and females of all ages. Both we’re very welcoming. I eventually transferred to another school and met all of my friends in theater (theater geek here, huzzah!), but the other two clubs were a great way to proactively get out there.
Post # 6
I struggled at uni – I made a couple of friends in my halls of residence but then couldn’t do it during lectures so ended up knowing no one in my course. Meeting people is difficult, especially if you feel like you’ve “missed the boat”. See if you can find one group that is friendly enough and settle it 🙂 For me it was joining the karate club (had never done anything like it before). Ten years later I’m still good friends with a couple of karate even though I don’t train any more.
Post # 7
The only advice I can think to give you is to not judge your peers, and instead look for their positive attributes.
I have a friend who likes to smoke pot. I do not (personal choice). If I based our friendship off that, I never would have gotten to know her clever sense of humor, or her passion for travel and nature. We are friends because I find her to be facinating and I enjoy hearing her perspective. She, in turn, never pressures me to smoke with her and merely enjoys my company.
I have another friend who pissed on a couch and lit it on fire. I might roll my eyes at that, but otherwise he’s an extremely smart individual who can answer any question you have about how something technical might work. In addition, he’s probably one of the most well-meaning and sweet people I’ve ever met.
You have to peel back the layers of your peers to see inside in order for them to see who you are.
Post # 8
I have hoooorrible social anxiety. I take most of my classes online or at the community college that has a setup with my university. Big groups and being around more than two other people for a long time reallyyyyy messes with me. I do get very lonely sometimes. I tried making friends at work but no matter how hard I tried the other girls didnt want to be friends I suppose. Anyway I’ve actually realizes even though I feel lonely I really don’t think I could handle the time with too many friends haha…
anyway feel free to message me if you’d like because we sound very similar. I messed up my GPa in the beginning because of my depression but I have been able to fix it.
Post # 9
First off, thanks for all the replies. I thought that you bees could help me, if only because this is a little bit of a “been there, done that” topic for must of you. Now I’ll add a little more info to help: I’m not really interested in religious groups, intramurals, or sororities. Also, I think my high school had more diverse groups than my college does. My high school had a quiz bowl team and a creative writing club. My university has neither. Additionally, the social anxiety I’m describing is caused by Asperger’s syndrome – and it was diagnosed at a below average age (I was four).
Prior to leaving for vacation, I was seeing an amazing therapist for my depression. As much as I liked her, I didn’t really get much help, since I was seeing her when I was feeling better, so we didn’t have much to discuss.
@WillyNilly: There are some interesting environmental organizations where I go to school. One even focuses on cutting down my university’s coal consumption (it is in a coal-mining region, so it’s a tall order). I’ll try checking into them when I get back in about two weeks.
@BeachBride2014: That sounds like something my parents would say, and I don’t mean that in a negative way. Honestly, the only reason I “limit” who I talk to is because I prefer sharing values with my friends. Now that I typed that out, it makes less sense – for example, I am a very secular person, but I tend to attract friendships with religious people in general. And I tend to not give certain people a chance mostly because of past experiences. For instance, when I was in high school, only the “bad kids” who did poorly in school smoked pot, or even regualrly smoked cigarettes. Here, the biggest smoking problem I’ve encountered are people smoking cigarettes really close to buildings.
And also, it feels like I left most people I was friendly with behind when I went away. Although I still keep in very close contact with DBF (he’s the only person I talk to every day), I lost touch with many high school peers simply because we do different things. I’ll try and reexamine this issue when I return. Thanks again. 🙂
Post # 10
@Luvdisc: Oh and by ‘fraternity’, Alpha Chi Omega is not GREEK greek. Like there is not a douch-ie rush period or anything. It’s the equivalent to a society for linguistics majors that happens to have a greek name, and looks great on your resume. So don’t fret about it being a fraternity, it’s really not. It’s just a bunch of people who clean up public areas, feed the hungry, and fundraise for battered women, and the like. They do have socials to get to know one another, but I actually don’t remember there being alcohol involved, now that I think about it. Sincerely, it’s not a ‘fraternity’ fraternity. Check them out, you will be pleasantly surprised.
Good luck sweets! Your friends are out there, you just gotta do a little digging to find them. 🙂
Post # 11
Well, if you only share values with friends you’ll never make any because they’ll stay strangers.
Talk to anyone you can. Honestly you never know who will be a friend and who won’t, but you’ll learn pretty quickly.
A lot of the people I’m good friends with now I could not stand when I first met them. People grow on you so give them a chance.
Post # 12
@WillyNilly: Hmmm, I should try giving it a chance then. The Greek culture at my school is pretty varied from what I can tell. Thanks! 🙂
@meetmethere2013: I’ll try to tell myself that first part next time I see someone I’d rather not talk to because of something superficial.
Post # 13
I’m sorry you feel that way =( I am very worried about friendships once I graduate in May, and idk how I’ll make friends, but the only solace is moving in w/ my SO. That sounds a few years past where you are now, but it will get better. my sophomore year I spent ALL my time with SO, so I sorta alienated myself.
My one bit of advice for connecting with people is honestly try to find some nice people in the religious groups. Ironically, I have very little/undeveloped faith myself, but I have met some of the most honest, genuine, and caring girls in the intervarsity groups on my campus. They don’t mind that I don’t believe as much as they do, and I have no problems with their beliefs. We can just have fun watching movies/hanging out together.
Post # 14
Sigh, I feel you. I had a new best friend every year in grade school because people would “move on” to someone else the next year, and I became the outsider when they all had their “real” best friends. All of my “friends” from high school moved away after college, fell out of touch with me, but stayed in touch with each other. They all hang out and talk and are bffs now. It pisses me off, mostly because I put a lot of work into my friendships and then they just get thrown in the trash. I have a few close friends now, but we either live far apart or don’t have the time to hang out. I spend most of my time hanging out with FI’s friends.
As for college, I made a couple of friends, but only one close one (and that was because we have many shared interests, and we’re both older). I was about 4 years older than all of my classmates, so they wanted to go out and get wasted (I went to a big party school, too), and I wanted to go home and take a nap. I didn’t have the time or money (or desire) to join any sort of fraternity/sorority. I worked full time and had full time classes plus papers and projects (group projects were the worst because I could NEVER meet up with the group), and no one understood that.
Post # 15
I feel friendless sometimes too.
Most of the time, I just prefer to hang out with my sister and my parents (and my husband of course). Luckily, they are local. A lot of times, I find that other people are a lot of effort to deal with.
A couple of months ago, I lost a years long friendship because this person was taking advantage of me and I stood up for myself. Now that I’m not mad anymore, I’m sad about it, and it hurts to think about. So trying to create another friendship is kind of scary right now.
Post # 16
i am pretty friendless but that’s because i judge people way too quickly, and i don’t make any effort with the friends i do have.
it’s taken me a LONG time to realise these qualities within myself!
a big part of it is social anxiety (the whole ‘why would they want to be friends with me?’ which i suffered really badly with at university) and the fact that i was bullied whilst i was at uni, a horrible thing to happen at any time, but very much unexpected at 20 years old!
my best friend and Maid/Matron of Honor couldn’t be more different to me. i had a good upbringing, she had a shitty upbringing, i’ve got a good job and live in a beautiful place, she is a single mother of 2 children living off the state. if i met her now i would judge her straight off the bat and not want to be friends with her, but instead i met her 14 years ago and we grew to love each other. she can tell me to stop being a judgemental bitch and i can tell her to ‘grow the fuck up’. we work well because we’re honest with each other.
it’s the ‘friends’ that i’m not honest with – they’re the problems. we’re all so catty that almost everything that’s said is bitchy and mean. i have no idea why i’m friends with them, but thankfully now i live 300 miles away and don’t need to deal with them on a daily basis.
one thing i did do though, which is a sort of social taboo but really worked for me, was like a ‘friends’ dating website. i met a girl on there and we get on really well and go out for drinks and stuff. i try and make an effort with her because she’s really nice. it’s been 18 months though and we’re still not close, but hey – i try!
being an adult sucks.