Anyone else feel guilty for considering not having kids?

posted 1 year ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

Yessss, this is almost the same exact situation I’m in! I’m young so I definitely don’t want kids now, but I’m not sure I want kids at all. I’m just not very good with them and I feel guilty for saying this, but they’re totally dependent on you. Kids are forever. I’m terrified of being pregnant and giving birth with all the pain and different changes to your body it creates. I think I’d like to have kids one day, but it just freaks me out. If I were to have them, I know I’d absolutely adore them, but it just freaks me out that another person is growing inside of you. Your whole life changes and you have to worry about someone other than yourself and husband/bf/baby daddy. I feel so guilty!! 

Post # 4
Member
313 posts
Helper bee

It’s totally okay to not want children. The planet is seriously overpopulated, there are enough humans to go round. Please do not feel guilty. Kid or no kid, both decisions are equally valid, and you don’t need to justify this to anyone. 

Post # 5
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

My fance and I are adamently child-free and, nope, I don’t feel one single shred of guilt over that.

How old are you? I have found that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become much more comfortable with just making the decisions that are right for me and not caring so much about social pressures. So, in my early to mid 20s, yeah, I kind of allowed social pressures to make me feel like something was wrong with me for not wanting kids, but as I got older I realised that my choice to be child-free is no ones business but my own (and, now, my fiances). 

Your parents wanting grandbabies doesn’t obligate you to give them grandbabies, and you’re not selfish if you decide you don’t want to. 

Post # 6
Member
1959 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Tbh I don’t think anyone goes into parenthood not terrified and I also think there’s never the absolute perfect time. The thought of labour terrifies me as well and the loss of independence.  100%want kids though 

Post # 9
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

When I was about 15, I realized I didn’t want kids. At first, I toyed with the idea. I didn’t like children and didn’t think I would be a good mom. Everyone said I’d change my mind. And, as I got older, sometimes I considered kids again. But I always came back to a solid no. Now I am pretty confident in my decision. FH is even considering a vasectomy. 

In my mind, there is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but people will always tell you otherwise. So here are some good reasons not to have kids:

  1. Not liking kids
  2. Overpopulation
  3. Expense
  4. The desire for a career or travel, etc.
  5. Liking kids, but not wanting to be around them all the time
  6. More money and time
  7. Not wanting to bring kids into this uncertain world
  8. Not wanting to pass down diseases or histories of abuse or mental illness
  9. There’s no reason to actually have kids anymore (ie working the farm)
  10. It can be a more selfless option, in my opinion
  11. Not having the makeup to be a good parent
  12. Happiness levels decline when people have kids
  13. Divorce rates increase when kids leave the nest
  14. Marital satisfaction declines with children
  15. So so so many more 

It’s your body, so it should be your choice. Pregnancy freaks me out. I don’t find any part of it beautiful. Your body is changed forever. Your comfort with that should come before other people’s opinions. 

Fear and guilt should not determine this choice. Your parents’ wishes should not determine this choice. Being a grandparent is never a guarantee anyways.

Ultimately, you are in control of your body and your future. If you decide you don’t want kids, own that decision guilt-free. There is no reason for any guilt about that. In fact, I think more people should choose that route.

And if you change your mind, you don’t have to go through pregnancy. You can adopt. There are plenty of children who already exist that need a parent. 

Take it from me, people will try to guilt you into having kids, call you selfish (not sure why this makes anyone selfish but whatever), say there is something wrong with you, and so on. It sucks. But they are wrong and unkind. The guilt is normal but unnecessary. Most people just aren’t used to the idea of happy child-free people.

So when you start feeling guilty, remember: It’s your life, your future, and your body. 

Post # 10
Member
6588 posts
Bee Keeper

Nope, I dont feel guilty or selfish at all lol. In fact, I think wanting a “mini me” is more selfish than me wanting to travel the world or whatever. 

That said, I’m an only child, and both my husband and his brother dont want kids. So both our parents are SOL on the grandbabe front! 

Post # 11
Member
2644 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

camvicnol :  ahahahahahahaha. Sorry, read just the title and it made me laugh. I have 4 step kids and GIRL, if I could push my uterus out like a poop I swear I’d flush it and just be like Bye Felicia just so I wouldn’t have to worry about it. So no, don’t feel bad, your body your life your choice.

Post # 12
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I 100% applaud you for keeping this an open discussion with your partner, even if one of you were adamantly against having kids. This is something that you and your partner have to be 100% eye-to-eye on, because becoming a parent is so final and a true desire to many. If you were to be with someone who really really really wants kids, and you don’t want them at all, for example, it is hardly fair of you to lie to yourselves and/or become someone you are not.

I don’t think you have any reason to feel guilty at all, as long as you and your partner continue to be on the same page about this for the rest of your lives, whether you end up wanting kids or not. Your parents wanting grandchildren is not incentive to become parents. 

Also, you are very young and at a time in your life where you are education/career-driven. This could easily change in the next ten years, or even twenty years. I advise you to just keep your open mind on the topic, but above all, make sure your partner is on the same page, always. You don’t want to drag him into parenthood if he is not ready – and you certainly don’t want to BE dragged into parenthood, either. 

Post # 15
Member
3560 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

camvicnol :  im CFBC and don’t feel guilty about it AT ALL. like – what on earth is there to feel guilty for? if anything, it should be the other way around….having children is fulfilling a selfish, egotistic desire -you’re 1) having kids so that you can have the experience of being a parent (selfish) and 2) you’ve determined that your genes are so amazing that there should be more of you in the world (egotistic). so really, if anyone should feel guilt about their decision, it should be those who have chosen to have children, not those choosing not to. additionally, it’s creating more people which creates more resources drain on a world that already has too many people. so yeah, the guilt should be placed in the parenting court.

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